I Might Actually Make It!

Well they're predicting more snow in Denver. Woo frickin hoo. I freaked out this morning about not being able to get out of Denver again. The snow forecast was getting worse and worse and I finally got a flight out tomorrow instead of on Friday. Yay! So I'm hoping to make it out.

I have to pack. And I'm exhausted instead. Hope I'll get it done soon!

More than just a Shovel

I'm getting ready to have Christmas Eve dinner and then later take in a Christmas Eve church service. I took a break to take pictures of the snow that has started to fall again in Denver and there was a knock on the door. It was a neighbor - a neighbor I know a teeny bit about because the door to his place is near our porch and so I see him come and go a lot when hanging out on the porch. In any case - he asked to borrow my shovel because I had it set out in the hall so not to get all the slushy snowy wetness in the apartment. I was more than happy to loan the shovel mainly because it's not even my shovel to begin with - a very very nice girl whom I like to call Jenny from the Block - loaned it to me on Friday morning and I have yet to bring it back...oots! In any case what Jenny from the Block doesn't know is that by loaning it to me she's so far (that I know of) loaned it also to Nick & Wendy and two of my neighbors.

It made me think actually in this Christmas season of something I was taught on a number of occasions in the past 2 years - first at Mars Hill and then here in Denver - that it's not good news unless it's good news for everybody. It's a stretch I know - and bear with me. I've been thinking a lot today about God the Father and his love for the world and I've been struck with this sense that if it's not good news for everybody then it's not really good news. I guess all I'm trying to say is that in this Christmas season I want to live my life in such a way that I'm good news for everyone. Good for me. Good for you. And good for the World.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
Love, mgd

Asking for Trouble

There was a story on the local news website about the officials at Invesco Field working hard to prepare for the Bronco's game tomorrow. There will be limited parking and since the stadium is not a dome they had to clear the field and the stands. Pretty standard story here in Denver (which is in itself crazy) until I got to the last line of the article:

"The Broncos also want to remind fans that the throwing of snowballs at any time is prohibited."

Seriously - I'm positive that snowballs will be thrown. Especially now that they've given people the idea. Is this really funny to anyone else - or just me?

Wendy and I went all the way to Stapleton this morning to Target to beat the last Saturday before Christmas rush. It felt so good to get out of the neighborhood! I'm so glad that the repercussions of this storm are starting to let up.

Pooped...I am Pooped

I just got done shovelling my car out of this spot. It doesn't look too bad from this angle - look on the other side of the street though to imagine the plowing in that's on the street side of the car. I'm supposed to be trying to make it into work. I'm trying alright. After I got the car out I was driving it around for a bit trying to find somewhere else to put it. I got stuck, some very nice people helped me get unstuck and then Vivian helped me put it right back into this spot because there's no place else to put it.

I'm done fighting with this storm. I'd like to be laid back and take things as they come - it's a way I prefer to live my life. However - I don't feel well, I'm not going to go home for Christmas, and I feel fairly trapped here in Capital Hill. I'm not in it alone and yet I'm done. I want to go home. I'm tired. I'm angry that the storm disrupted my plans. Is that so bad? It's off to the shower for me now. We'll see what the rest of the day brings.

Damn Blizzard

Shortly after the last post officials decided to close DIA until noon tomorrow - effectively cancelling my flight. Now I'm trying not to be self-centered about this. On Wednesday morning the newscasters were saying that over a million people were scheduled to fly in, out or through DIA this weekend. I'm certainly not the only person affected by this.

In any case - I'm going to be spending Christmas in Denver. There are beautiful people I love to spend it with and I do not want to negate that. People who have already invited me to join the party. I'm still however disappointed, sad and even a bit angry that I won't be spending Christmas in GR with my family. I'll make it. And it's gonna take a minute - or more.

Let it Snow

I only say let it snow because there's not anything I can do about it! Denver is going to have a white Christmas - there's no doubt! If you've been watching the news at all you may know that we've gotten (as of 7:15 this morning MST) 22 inches of snow since yesterday morning and it's still coming down!

When I got up yesterday around 5:30 it had just started to snow so I went into work and it got quickly worse and worse and worse. We were sent home around lunch time after a brand new Dodge diesel pick-up truck and a big box truck got stuck in our parking lot. At that point I thought we may be stuck in the building over night and I was not happy about that. I did make it home safely, parked my car on the street in what seemed like a foot of snow because the snow drift in the entrance to our alley was above my tires and I did NOT want to get stuck there! Then I spent the rest of the afternoon here with Sheralee and Vivian who works just a block from our house. She ended up staying the night because she didn't want to walk home in the blizzard (she doesn't have a car and wouldn't have wanted to drive either).

This morning even the post office is closed and we're being told not to go into work at all. The airport and the road to it - which is a 10 mile road - were closed yesterday around 3 and there are thousands of people still stranded out there. Right now they're saying it's closed until further notice. My flight leaves at 6:30 tomorrow morning - even if it does leave on time it is going to be a zoo!!

So for today I'm going to try and enjoy the snow day and pray very hard that the airport and the roads that get there are cleared up by this evening or tomorrow morning at the latest.

Oh Holy Snowballs Batman

It is snowing like crazy here! Supposed to have 16 - 24 inches by noon tomorrow. I watched it get worse while I was getting ready and at this point I'm just praying that we get sent home early and that I can get back to Michigan on Friday!

A NON-exhaustive List

This is a highly non-exhaustive list of songs I'd like to stage a protest to have taken off the radio:

1 - Gayla Peevy, I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
2 - James Blunt, You're Beautiful
3 - John Mayer, Waiting on the World to Change
4 - Sixpence None the Richer, Kiss Me

I only write this list in this moment because I have been hearing numbers 1 and 3 way too much lately! #1 is just irritating and dumb. #3 is irritating and dumb because if you're going to waste a bunch of time singing about or listening to a song about waiting on the world to change why not use those minutes and create some of that change you'd like to see.

Whew - feels good to get that off my chest.

Happy 200th Post!

So according to blogger this is my 200th post. I haven't gone through and counted, I'm going to take their word for it. I am however feeling some self-imposed pressure to make this a good one.


In my very first post I made some general statements about what I wanted this blog to be about including the following:

I'm hoping this blog will be a healthy place to continue to explore transformation. Plus - wierd stuff happens to me all the time, which I always love to share, so hopefully I can entertain someone out there with the bizarreness of being me.

I hope that I've entertained you with some of the bizarre things that I experience and the crazy that is living inside my head. Most of all though, I hope I've pulled you into the painful, intense, beautiful, glorious transformation that the past year has been for me. I have learned so much about how to love, how to hurt, how to become even more independent (sorry Mom), and how to lean in and on those around me more. I've learned how to search for God and Truth, I've learned so much about love and Love, and on most days my orientation toward the world is 180 degrees from where it was before I moved to Denver. I use the move as a benchmark because it's easy to pin point and the loss of almost everything familiar catapulted me headfirst into this process. In a way that I don't think living in Grand Rapids ever would have.

As much as this process has and is kicking my ass I want so much to continue on this path. The changes I see in myself I love. I truly believe I'm a better person than I was before. And this process makes me long for more - like I said a couple posts ago - the more I taste of it the more I want. Simultaneously it scares the crap out of me to say that - because transformation comes at a cost that I'm not always sure I'm willing to pay

So to every single person that has been a part of this - those of you I see, those of you I only interact with digitally, and those of you who just come and read - THANK YOU! And to the God I'm beginning to know and can not even pretend to understand - take me where you will and make me who you want and comfort me when I'm paying the costs.

Love to you all, mgd

Rule #1 of Online Stalking

Don't slip and let out facts that you only could have found on myspace in conversation until after you let on that you've found someone on myspace. When you do be sneaky by saying "Hey are you on myspace? Cause we should be friends." Then, the next day, after you make myspace friends...that's when you mention something that you only could have learned on myspace. Now, be aware that many people will see through this little piece of etiquette. That's the point of etiquette anyway though isn't it?

And here's a silly picture of the brunette:

Doubt

I've been spending sometime today when I needed a break from tedious data work reading and for the first time in a while participating in a discussion at badchristian.com about doubt and it's place for a Christian. As I was growing up I distinctly remember being told that it was okay to doubt your faith and to ask questions - however it seemed as though it was okay as long as you were working yourself back to a good CRC belief system. Or at least reformed.

This doesn't seem to be enough for me however. I've always been one to have to do things my own way, just ask my Mother, she'll be happy to tell you that my first words were not mama or dada they were a complete sentence: "I can do it myself". But I digress. I reached a point probably during college where the reasons "that's the way we do it" or "that's the way it's always been done" were not enough. There had to be a reason the first person did things that way. My favorite anecdotal example being the woman who cut the ends off of her pot roast before putting it in the oven to cook. Someone asked her why she did it that way - she said it was because her mother did. When she asked her mother, the mother answered that her mother had done it that way. When the mother/grandmother was asked about she answered that the roasting pan she had was too small to fit the entire roast in so she cut off the ends. It had everything to do with getting by, nothing to do with the quality of that meat.

I wanted to know about the why of the practices. I was taught a lot of theology and catechism and right and wrong ways to act. Except the right and wrong ways to act were never tied into the theology and catechism - it was more about the way everything had always been done and worrying whether people were thinking you were holy enough. And when there wasn't a satisfying answer to why we did the things we did I started to question why we believed the things we did and in my quest I've found so many things that make more sense to me. And I've found when I understand why some of the old things are I identify with them as well.

All this to say I don't know that I really knew what I believed, what I wanted, where I was going until I started doubting and asking questions. With no target in sight except that of Truth with a capital T. I still don't have really much of any answers - in fact the more I question things the more questions present themselves. It's like when you hit that moment in school where the more you learn the more you realize you really know a speck compared to what is available to be known. And honestly I feel as though I've grown in relationship to God (however you choose to understand that) in the questioning - it's as if the message I'm getting is "Hey, you're finally trying to get to know me. I like that...let's keep doing it ." So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm a Brunette

For the first time ever. And I'm freaking out a bit. I think I like it - and it's a big change. Hope I'm not crying over it in the morning.

Prioritizing

So it seems that I'm not correctly prioritizing my job functions at work. I think this stems from only being here 8 weeks to this point and so I'm still figuring things out. However - I think that perhaps a bigger issue is that I've been naturally drawn to the tasks I've been spending more time on. I have more experience with those tasks and I enjoy them more. The function I've not put enough time and effort toward is something that I don't enjoy so much and haven't practiced and therefore am not very good at. So it seems it's time again to push outside the box and learn and grow.

I understand this cognitively. I have no motivation aside from wanting to keep my job to do it. Partially because I believe that persuasion is not one of my strengths. I don't think it ever will be. Is that so terrible? What I really want to do is ask to have this job function be taken away from me - I have more than enough work to keep me busy with all the other things I'm responsible for. And - with the way the company is structured I'm fairly certain that's not a possibility.

So - now I'm going to stop avoiding with this blog posting and start working. Wish me luck!

When I'm Thankful for Self Control

We had a work party on Saturday night. I had a great time - Dave even came out and danced - how sweet is that! Anyway - to the picture - a portion of the party was a karaoke contest. Brianne and I entered singing Glora Gaynor's "I Will Survive" which is in fact in my opinion a perfect karaoke song. (Did you know that Mary once met Gloria Gaynor...she says that every time the song is mentioned and so now I always think of it too.) In any case this morning a bunch of pictures were posted on our company's internal website - including about 5 that look like this. I'm so glad that I didn't do anything more crazy because I think it would probably have been captured forever. I'm a little dissapointed though that there weren't any pics of the dance lessons. I would love to be able to remind Dave how good he is. So he'll keep dancing with me.

PS - Look at this cute pic too :)

So Worth It

Oh my! I am a dork. I had so much fun at Messiah last night. The chorus I couldn't think of last night was "He Trusted in God" and of course I forgot to mention the trumpets at the end. I heart those trumpets.

Here's to Christmas! I am still completely affected by the Christmas spirit!

I am So Excited!

Perhaps some would say my inner grandma is coming out. Others would say she's out. That she's a big part of me. I tend to agree to a point. The reason I bring this up now is because in this moment I am so excited to go see the CSO perform Handel's Messiah. Messiah has been a part of my Christmas tradition since about middle school I think. I used to hate going! I can't believe my parents brought us as much as they did because I think we fell asleep through a lot of it. Now though, especially after analyzing the snot out of it in music classes at Calvin and singing it for a few years, I love going every Christmas. So to me it's not so much my inner grandma as it is Christmas tradition. I'm sure you have some. I really hope they haven't cut my favorite chorus "Let All the Angels of God" - it's one that gets cut a lot. There are other favorites that I'm sure haven't hit the cutting board though - like "Comfort Ye" and the line "They shoot out their lips" (what does that even mean) and there's another one I can NOT think of right now because there's other music playing in my house. It's bothering me...I'll let you know if/when I think of it. It's a fun one to sing...in part two or perhaps three. Anyway...I'm off to celebrate my Christmas tradition.

What the?!?

I've had a lot of crazy experiences. Today, Thursday, December 7, 2006 is nearly at the top of the list. By 9:00 this morning I had been kicked out of my office with all my coworkers for reasons we didn't really understand. We're told it's back to work as usual tomorrow. That in my opinion, is not possible under the circumstances. I don't know what to believe, or who to trust. I just know that I'm disappointed that I've finally found a job that I like and now it's time to start keeping tabs on the job boards again. I'm trying to calm down. I just have no trust in management at the moment - especially since I heard bunches of different stories about what was happening today. And I'm the new girl - totally fireable. So here's to calming down and finding the truth in the circumstances.

The Sound of Sheer Joy

Cheyenne has learned to sit up. What a big girl. And it sounds like she's pretty proud of herself too...

New Perspective for Advent

I think I'm starting to feel better. Snuck out of work a bit early today because I was just plain done. And now that I'm home I'm starting to feel more like myself. I even have a bit of an appetite. Who knew? I hate to say it, and I think it may have something to do with all the salt water I was forced to gargle this weekend...

I was struck today by Vivian's post about Advent. I think this is the first advent season that I'm identifying more with songs of longing like "O Come O Come Immanuel" and "Lo How a Rose Eer Blooming" and I'm sure there are more. There's so much of me that in a new way understands that longing for Messiah to show up and save me from circumstances. It's bigger than that too thought - save me from a way of life that could be so much better. Save me from the things around me. Save me from me. I think I still love the songs full of joy, however, it's the songs of longing that have more meaning for me this advent.

Made Myself Sick

So I think I may have worked myself sick this weekend. I was out of town for a conference that I was hoping would be kinda fun. Turned out to be the exact opposite. Every time I turned around there was some sort of "emergency" placed on my shoulders complete with blame and shame and condescending. For the record everything went off fine and much of the stress placed on me was wasted energy. And I think that's part of what makes me the most angry.

But back to the sick part. I had a sore throat most of the time we were up there. When I got back to Denver I took a nap - because if I didn't I would have burst into tears over just about anything - and then went over to Dave's. Except while I was getting ready I decided to look at my throat and it really was fairly disgusting. So Dave got convinced I have strep throat (I don't) and very sweetly took care of an exhausted me for the evening. Then this afternoon my stomach started to feel very very upset. So I took another nap and ate some chicken soup and now I'm starting to feel a bit better...thankfully.

I'm sure I'll be able to explain the horror of this weekend a bit more when I'm feeling a bit better. It was fairly horrible though.

Case Dismissed!

You may recall that about a month and a half ago Vivian and I drove over a curb and knocked off the front header pipe on my car. If you don't remember that you may also remember me posting that I was driving a different car. Well - here's the whole story, now that it's resolved!

Without a front header pipe my car was making a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad noise. One morning I had to be to work for a 7:30 meeting and got pulled over at the butt crack of dawn. The cop gave me a ticket for a bad muffler (after not writing me for a couple other things...) and told me to "take care of that god-awful noise." Which of course made me angry - did he think I LIKED driving the car like that? In any case at that point the part was ordered and I was just waiting for it to come in from the auto parts warehouse. Which I don't think is anything like Santa's warehouse. The part came. Dave and his friend Jeff fixed it - without needing the part actually - and last night I had to go to court because the ticket the officer gave me required that I appear before a magistrate.

So I went. I was really impressed with the patience of this magistrate - and that made me hopeful. He sat and asked people questions and they gave him sometimes heartfelt explanations and sometimes crap. It was amazing how after listening to even a couple people it was fairly easy to tell the difference. When it was my turn I had to plead guilty (I mean the muffler was broken when I got pulled over) and then told the magistrate the same story I just told you. And he said "Because of the circumstances I'm going to dismiss the charges. You're free to go." I said "Thank you sir" and left. Woohoo!

So in retrospect...don't drive over curbs! It can cause bunches of trouble :)

I've Caught It

I've caught a huge case of the Christmas spirit. I have no idea how this happened - I mean I was practically skipping in the Target parking lot today because it was starting to snow. I want to go retrieve my Christmas boxes from the storage room and get out a bunch of sparkly things. Not even sure what I have down there any more because I had no desire to get anything out last year. I think part of it is that I'm generally in a happy content place in life right now - and the joy of Christmas flows pretty darn easily from there. I apologize if it obnoxious...I'm fairly certain parts of it are.

Jen: This is mostly for you

Please note that a-Dave is at your house and b-you are not. Please do not mind the fact that I am paying him off. That is all.

Oh - and I uploaded some new pics to my picture site...please use the link on the right of the page labeled "My Pictures" to access them.

This is Not Obligatory

I am usually quite resistant to the Thanksgiving activities that include everyone going around in a circle and saying what they're thankful for. It rarely feels authentic to me - for plenty of reasons some of them having to do with the fact that for most of my life I was a kid and didn't really understand.

Today however - at least for this moment - I am sitting in what feels like a state of true thankfulness. Certainly triggered by the holiday, and genuine nonetheless. For those of you who have read this blog from it's inception a little less than a year ago you've probably caught a glimpse into the struggle that was this last year. I hope as well that you've caught a taste of the turnaround that has been the last couple of months. I sit in gratefulness in this moment for much of it. I'm thankful for

• the sense of growth that I feel - I'm not the same girl I was a year ago
• the discovery of the life cycle for myself - and by that I mean the sense of a life that hit a wall, died a little bit and is coming back to real life in beautiful ways
• a new job where I feel as though my skills and strengths are used, appreciated and encouraged
• a new relationship where I feel happy, loved and all those little butterflies people tell you about
• a sense of God for the first time in a long time - perhaps really honestly ever
• friends, beautiful people, who have stuck by me and listened, laughed, cried and given counsel
• 70 degree weather the week of Thanksgiving - perfect for open toed shoes
• all you crazies who keep reading this thing
• family, the blood related part that's thousands of miles away today and the family I do life with

And of course - here's to the feast of later today. I'm excited to relax and eat!

I Remember

I remember now why I didn't like the last two jobs I had. It's because I was bored. I wasn't engaged for more than 10% of the day and it just left me feeling ick. And that's how I feel after today. Only today I chose to be bored. This morning we found out that the company decided to make the day after Thanksgiving a vacation after all. Only not for those of us still in our 90 days of probation. 3 of 75 people. I felt completely singled out. We're already not getting paid for vacation days during the probation time which I think is bull shit. We were given the option of not working for no pay - which felt entirely not generous - and with the holidays coming up that day of wages seems entirely necessary.

I got all worked up over this. And did not really have motivation for working the rest of the day. So I didn't much. Work that is. And I walked away feeling icky. One because I was not acting as I promised when I took the job. Two because I spent the day putzing around on the internet. I'm not going to do that again. It's time to get to work :)

Tomorrow. For now I'm watching Bridget Jones Diary on TV doing some dishes and laundry and getting ready for Thanksgiving.

Wind it Up

Well I guess it's the weekend of the fall. Not unlike the summer of the skirt which was two summers ago officially. Last night after a dinner of sushi - which I'm really beginning to enjoy - Dave and I went over to play cards with some friends of his. I of course insisted on wearing open toed shoes because I love them except since it was cold and my feet were a bit smaller they didn't fit real well and I fell. Again. After almost falling twice before that. I learned my lesson about sensible shoes at least for today. I don't think I'll be able to learn it all that long though.

Also - I know I posted about this before. However - the more I listen to this song the more I LOVE it!

Another falling story

Last night was random - my life is so random - and I heart it! It all started with a party for work to celebrate a milestone achievement for the entire company. It's always a little off for me to be out with everyone from the company - a few people who I connect well with outside the office is fine - the entire company is an entirely different story.

From there I headed downtown for the final installment in the month of celebrating Jim's birthday. I had mentioned where we were going to a couple people I work with and they had mentioned they may stop by - which was great. Turned out that a whole bunch of people came by and it just felt random - and a bit off.

Then we went dancing - which was quite fun - although for some reason I wasn't feeling like staying out all night. So I headed toward home with the cake in tow. My car was parked on the street and I had to walk through this old warehouse district to get there. It's not as creepy as it sounds - it's all offices - a lot of design companies actually now. However sometimes the sidewalk has steps in it because of an old (or working) loading dock. I got to the final set of stairs down and my phone slipped out of my pocket. I watched it fall, took a step down and totally slipped and fell down 6 or 7 cement stairs. My knee is all bruised up today. I did NOT however drop the cake!!! I think hanging on to the hand rail is what saved me. Usually I can laugh pretty hard at me falling - this one kinda hurt...I think it's gonna take a few days before I can really laugh about it.

Curiosity May Kill Me

However - I don't enjoy having a conversation with someone I don't know. This is already a fairly impersonal venue for communication - so I'm turning off the anonymous comments. Please be kind enough to leave at least initials if you'd like to comment. Thanks so much! Maria

I'll Probably Jinx Myself

I heart my new job. This week has been strangely intense and exhausting - and I still enjoy what I do and where I'm doing it. That said - I feel quite lucky and at a loss for words because I've found myself on the good side of three fairly difficult personalities in the office. I love it! I also wish I knew what I did - and in the end I'm just going to keep doing my job as well as I can and know for myself that I'm doing the best work I know how to do.

Also for the record in 37 days I'll be home for Christmas!!

It's a Wonderful Life

Do you ever sit back and realize how lucky you are? I had a busy day today. By 10:30 Vivian and I were already talking about happy hour plans because it had been a rough morning. In the end we chose the Coral Room because we'd seen their chef at a cooking demo at the library. It was a fantastically relaxing way to end the work day. I thought it would be helpful to vent for a while and found that in the end it wasn't necessary. That enjoying a bottle of wine and a good friend was fantastic and enough.

The more I sit back though the more I realize I'm really content and happy at this transition into year two in Denver. Sure there's crap - work is crazy busy to the point of frustrating at the moment. The reconstruction of Radius is beginning and that's hard - mostly because it triggers everything from the past year and yet:

• I have a job where I get paid to do the things I love to do.
• I have beautiful friends who love me no matter what.
• I'm dating a wonderful man who treats me like a queen.
• I get to go home for Christmas.
• I get to make fun choices on the weekends because I don't have tons of responsibility.
• I live in beautiful country - the sunsets are amazing and the moon's been quite beautiful lately.
• I generally have a great life.

I am struck with this on a regular basis lately. In amazing and beautiful ways. So here's to life and living it to the full. I'm thankful to the Jesus for this. Seriously!

Two of my Favorite Things

Have you heard the new Gwen Stefani single? Vivian told me she had a new single and that it samples from something we all love from childhood. The Lonely Goatherd from The Sound of Music. Then she went even farther and sent it to me! Ithink it's a fun song - enjoy it when you hear it :)

I'm Famous!

The Wall Street Journal online quoted my blog post about voting! How cool is that?!

http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB116292754906715812-fHan41i6iQ0YezIbB_xQ8_41PFE_20061207.html

Therin Lies the Catch

Well it's all coming back to me. Except not in that Celine Dion way where the two lovers are getting back together. Instead in the oh man was that hard and painful way. Last night was a beautiful dinner celebration for Jim's birthday. (Happy Birthday Jim!!) Over the course of dinner somehow Dave started asking Luke and I questions about Radius. We talked and described and answered the questions to the best of our ability. As it was all going down I realized (as I've realized on a number of occasions recently) that I have a number of open wounds yet. Wounds that have fragile scabs that crack off easily. I think I'm in for a good cry fairly soon.

A second thing that hit me kinda hard when Dave and I were driving back to Denver. He could totally tell that I was off and then very sweetly said "You know you can talk to me about this." It hit me that I wanted to. It hit me that I was afraid to because I was afraid of exposure. It hit me that this fear of exposure is part of the wound. It hit me that it would probably help to talk about. It feels like a catch 22. I didn't start talking about this last night because the fear of exposure is what feels biggest - the most real. Today I got more angry about that. Which while exhausting I'm hopeful that I can use that anger as energy. Energy to push through the fear or exposure to at the very very least speak truth about that fear. Also in there of course is the fear that he'll figure out I'm crazy. That you'll all figure out I'm crazy.

Time I Will NEVER Get Back

I've been taught that voting is a privilege. Today after 2 hours in line for 2 minutes in the voting booth it felt like a chore! At least it was a nice night and there was a beautiful sunset. Denver apparently has a new voting computer system and a new voting center strategy that needs some work. And congrats to Sheralee for being the last voter to slip in before the 7:00 cut off at the voting center she's voting at. If the pics make it online I'll post them.

McChicken

Apparently a couple glasses of wine in McChicken is where I'm from...Michigan - McChicken...you see the resemblance. I sure did have fun though playing euchre last night. I hadn't played in a long time!

I Wasn't Going to Do This

I'm so curious! I put the map of hits up on my blog to see if more people were looking at my blog in Denver or in Grand Rapids. Certainly those two have the largest readership - and there are tons of little dots up there that represent places I don't think I know people. Who are you? It's so fun to me to look at the map - and {insert whining here} I wanna know who you are!

I Still Heart It

I got pissed at class tonight. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that some buried anger came up to the surface tonight. And it was surprisingly strong. Do you think anger comes back stronger the second time around? I do. It had time to grow in there and I didn't even realize it.

When I got home The Parent Trap was on TV. And while I don't want to bury the anger and let it grow once again it sure is comforting to watch an old favorite movie. Maybe Mary Poppins will come on next! I can't wait to share the entertainment with this one:

A good day

At my new job I actually have to work and I'm pretty busy actually. Which is what I wanted and seeing as I've successfully slacked off for the past year it's taking a bit of adjustment. I'm tired. I'm sure it could also have something to do with the fact that it gets dark at 5:00.

I love it though. My new job is so random! I get to do all sorts of different things all the time and somehow, the ways unbeknownst to me, I've impressed the pants off of them (not literally) and there's a new employee coming who I'm responsible for keeping on track - which is interesting seeing as when she starts I'll have been there a month. One month. And every time I turn around I'm responsible for something new. I really like it - and I'm doing my best not to screw it up!

They like me so much that today I didn't even have to beg for a day off at Christmas. I just had to say please can I have a day off to go to Michigan for Christmas. Sigh :)

Homesick

It's amazing how homesick hits here and there. Today I was homesick. I called home yesterday to tell my family to watch for me on TV - even though there was a snowball's chance in hell that I was going to make it on seeing as I was in the back of a box schmoozing and making sure every had food and a drink in their hand. And then later, after the game, I was talking to my Mom who was telling me all about how my beautiful little niece can hold things with both hands. And how she loves the toys my sisters and I have sent. I wanted to be there. I want to cheer her on when she holds things. I want to give her kisses and squeeze her. I miss sharing things with my family on a daily basis - even though I know that I got fed up with stuff when I had that opportunity.

I've been watching the ticket prices for going home for Christmas and that doesn't help. They're not getting any cheaper. I'm still hopeful, and there's this reality that I may not get home for the holidays this year. That would be a first. A first I'd rather not experience.

I Take it Back

I've been complaining about having to work this afternoon. I had to go to the Bronco's game to schmooze for work. It was a Sunday afternoon, and I didn't want to work - that was pretty much all I was thinking about. And it was so much fun! The company has a box suite and there was food and drinks and it was like you could touch the field. I'm sure if I ever get to go to see the Bronco's again I'll be sitting in the top row of the stadium somewhere! So I take it back. I went to my first NFL game in style. And for that I am thankful! I do still want comp time though. It was still Sunday afternoon :)

Dammit Tigers!

I'm not any type of hardcore fan. In fact I'm not even sure I knew the Tigers were in the playoffs until my Dad came to visit. And I'm still disappointed. And a little embarrassed. The Tigers were not looking strong any of the times I watched them.

I slept hard and well last night - and it was awesome. No alarm. Waking up when it's light out! Here's to a good night sleep.

Not much more to say than that...feeling a compulsion to post on the blog though. So it's what you get :)

Hit the Ball!

I'm sitting here letting the Tigers give me a heart attack. One inning left - they're behind by one. We'll see what happens.

So it did snow. I was convinced that it was a big scare thing and that we were maybe going to see a flurry. Nope - I haven't seen it snow hard like that in a long time. I think we maybe got 4 inches here in Denver - wet heavy snow that came down in just a couple of hours. My boss' wife measured 22 inches at their house in Conifer which is somewhere about 8000 feet. The only good thing about the snow was that I didn't have to go out to a job site. It was just postponed - in reality I would not have minded going out today - just not with the snow.

I'm glad tomorrow's Friday. I'm ready to sleep hard and long - without the alarm. And to have some time to relax and just be and not try to accomplish something. I'm still a bit exhausted and I'd like to sleep.

Exhaustion

I am exhausted. I hit a wall today about 2:45 and just wanted to sleep. Until tomorrow! Well if I'm honest I'd like to sleep through tomorrow. I have a meeting in the morning and then it's off to work with the crew for most of the day. And it's supposed to get cold and snowy overnight. If it was like today then I'd be totally in for working with them. And it's just plan supposed to be kinda icky tomorrow. Fun.

So here's to a night of nothing but relaxing and eating blueberry pancakes!

Discovering Pop Culture

So this weekend I was driving a friend's car. And it was ghetto. Part of the ghetto was that the stereo only works when a tape is in the tape player. Yup - tape. I shouldn't be soo surprised by this though, my car doesn't have a CD player either. Anyway - there was not a wide selection of tapes in the car. So I was listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival over and over and over again. And I started to wonder if I was just hearing the lyrics wrong or if they were probably just high. But they ARE saying "Tambourine's and Elephants are playing in the band."

And I laugh at myself every time I have these little realizations. All pop culture before about 1995 I have absolutely no idea about. I just wasn't exposed to too much pop culture before that. So on the one hand I get so excited when I discover things like this - it's brand new and fun. And other times I get totally frustrated because it seems as though I'm always playing catch up. So I'm sure I'll continue to find joy and fun in the old. Cause it's new to me.

Crazy

My mind has been going in 100 different directions today. I had a beautiful weekend that left me with much to think about. And mostly I'm thinking about how I want to become healthier emotionally, spiritually and physically. Although physically is just kinda tacked on there because it feels like the right thing to say.

This summer was hell. More hell than the previous 8 months had been. And those had been hard too. There are about a thousand things I don't understand. And I think about 995 of those things I probably never will. And I was struck in a big way this weekend about how I walked away from it and decided that everyone else was crazy. Because that was an easy way to explain while really ignoring the wounds I felt so strongly. It was easy to do that because as I did my circumstances began to change. Which I think this may be a coincidence. I don't think calling things that had hurt me crazy had anything to with change. I say this because I came to the realization yesterday that when confronted with it I'm still hurting. I want to work through the pain in more healthy ways so that I can enjoy the change in circumstances. So that I'm not bogged down by more stupid shit. So that I can give my energies and tiny hope reserves to the thing we call Radius. Because that is I think what I want. I'm tired of sitting in the fear of getting burned again. I want to be healthier so that I can see Jesus. So that I can see the things he wants to teach me. The ways he wants to explode my way of understanding him, myself and the world we live in.

Simultaneously I want to see Jesus right now without doing any of it. It feels like fuel for hope. Confirmation of being on the right track. And I think there's a sense of "I know you can show up for me, so why the hell can't I see it. Why aren't you holding my hand and helping me understand these hurts."

And I don't have any conclusion. I just tried to write one and it was so contrived and what I feel like I should say that I was making myself sick and deleted it. This is my tension. And I'll live in it for now. And I apologize for in my world calling you all crazy and myself the only sane one.

Baseball and Ballet

I believe that yesterday may be one of those days you look back on and say - hey remember that really random day when we went downtown to watch the Tigers in the World Series and then went to the Ballet...after a full day of randomness? It was awesome and totally crazy all at once.

I started the day off with a snowy walk to Panera for coffee with Wendy. The sun was out and everything looked beautiful - although the snow was already beginning to melt. Vivian met us there a bit later and we walked down to the Library for a cooking demonstration. This installation was tapas from a restaurant here and was really quite fun. It was like being on a cooking show and there were even samples and a recipe packet to take home. From there we went back to my place, grabbed the ghetto cruiser I'm currently driving, and went up to the Denver Merchandise Mart for an antique show. It was gigantic! And to celebrate a successful week one I picked up this fantastic purse!

That random enough for you? Good...cause it keeps going! While we were there Sheralee called because she had locked her keys in the car at the Zoo. So after we finished up at the antiques we headed home to grab her extra clicker and then over to the Zoo. From there we went down to S. Gaylord Street to try a bakery/cafe Sheralee had found called Devils Food Cafe. It was tasty! And the block it was on was cute so we poked around there for a while.

Don't worry. It gets better. From there Vivian and I changed into nice clothes for the Ballet and headed downtown for the Tigers game. I had heard that the Blake Street Tavern had these cool things that let you choose which TV to listen to if the game you wanted to watch wasn' t on the big screen. I thought it was on the block right by Coors Field and we looked and looked and couldn't find it. While we were text messaging Google this homeless guy started harassing us for 90 cents and wouldn't leave us alone, so we just went into Sports Column. Which was showing the game and was totally packed. So we eventually found where Blake St. Tavern was...about 4 blocks from where we were...so we walked down there and it was packed for the CU game and we couldn't get a seat near the TVs that were showing baseball. So we ended up at Breckenridge Brewery...after what seemed like tons of walking.

We watched the disappointing game fora while and then caught a cab back to the performance hall where I realized the Ballet started at 7:30 and not 8:00 like I thought it had. They graciously stuck us in the back and at the first intermission we found our real seats. Which were pretty good actually - front row of the Loge section - dead center.

From the Ballet we entertained the option of continuing on with the random random day...but Vivian and I were both reaching the end...so we just went home. It's days like this that make me realize I have a pretty darn fantastic life!

Sunrise

The sunrises in Denver have been spectacular this week. I'm guessing they're often spectacular, it's just that I haven't been up to watch them until now. The hours to my new job are 7:30 to 4:30 with an hour for lunch. I'm told I could also go in at 8 and take a half hour lunch and for now I'm sticking to hour lunches because I just plain usually need the break. Anyway - now that I'm driving to work toward the sunrise (instead of walking away from it) I've been awestruck by how beautiful it is. And they've all looked different!

Overall the first week at the new job has been very good. I still am not in love with the location. However - the job functions, the team orientation and being in an office of more than three is extremely enjoyable. Tomorrow I have to go to a trade show. How awful. (she said sarcastically) I know it's still the first week and the honeymoon phase and yet I'm so hopeful that this time I may be able to stay longer than 6 months! And the joy is as much in the not sending out hundreds of resumes any more as it is in the general sense of stability in my life.

I said to a friend this week that I feel as though I'm in a time of transition. Again. The entire past year certainly has been one big transition, and yet this feels different. In a good way. And in a crazy turn of events it's a change I'm able to relax and take as it comes instead of stressing and trying to control. (to a degree...not completely) Tonight I'll go to Bible Study and I'm guessing we're continuing last week's discussion/teaching about how God is committed to me. And you. Individually. And even in a week that's been fantastic I'm skeptical. Cynical even perhaps. (sadly) I wish I could put my finger on exactly why. Today it just feels like too much to ask for or hope for. That the God of the Universe has any sort of interest in me. And there's something that at the very same time feels sick and wrong about having that reaction. Like - hey - things are going great for you and you still can't even believe Me. And I slowly am beginning to feel my outlook shift. To something more like - I'm still not sure this is right. And yet, what's the harm in choosing to believe it is and seeing where it leads. That's what every body's doing in the end right? And to get back to the sunrise, I think perhaps what's gotten me over the hump is this overwhelming sense that the sunrises were there just for me. Which feels ludacris, and clear all at the same time.

I don' t know. Call me crazy. This is what happens when I don't blog for a week.

Oh Wow!

The first day at a new job will sooo take it out of you! I'm right now on information overload and excitement about starting something new...and now it's time for a break!! More later...just know I'm doing well.

Whirlwind Weekend!

For the last couple of days my Dad's been here in Denver and we've been having a great time! His flight got in Thursday late and left early early this morning, so Friday and Saturday are what we had together. Friday we took it easy in the morning, had breakfast at one of my favorite places in Boulder - Lucille's - where my Dad proceeded to announce that he hates organic food. Now this is perfectly fine to me, and I get the feeling that Boulder residents are fairly non-violent. And we're still in Boulder! I was a tiny bit afraid we were going to get into a little fight with someone right there in the restaurant.

After filling up on tasty food we went up to Rocky Mountain National Park - which is farther away than I remember it being - for a hike. We took a 7 mile hike starting at 9200 feet and going up another 750 more. Welcome to the elevation Dad! It took us about 3 hours and thankfully aside from about the last half mile the elevation gain was all first and then we went down. Part of the trail was "unimproved" and I think that's what took the most of our time. That and the parts of the trail that were covered in snow/ice - I almost fell at least once! Once we got back to Denver we went downtown for dinner with a friend and then crashed!

Saturday Dad made breakfast for Sheralee, Jim and I and it was awesome! Then we walked around the 16th Street Mall where we went in all the little touristy t-shirt shops so my Dad could find a shirt. After walking home we met Vivian and went to Lik's for ice cream and then to the King (Queen) Soopers to get some supplies for the party we were having at Mark & Jen's. The football party was way fun. Unfortunately Sheralee was the only one in the room rooting for the Gators - sorry Sheralee! And then this morning bright (well technically very dark) and early we headed back to the airport.

All of this in my noisy noisy car. Today I'm relaxing, doing dishes (oh yeah - my dad plunged out our sink while he was here too) and preparing for a new job tomorrow! Here's to a day to center.

$636

That's how much the guy at Grease Monkey said it would take to fix my car. And maybe an extra $100 if it took a little longer than they were thinking. I said thank you very much and took my car and left. As they pulled my car around there was a guy in the waiting room who told me that a similar thing happened to his car and a place down the street fixed it for $400. Now that sounds a little better and still not great. Plus - I was grossed out by said guy because he was chewing tobacco in the waiting area. Gross!!!

I really do think that if the right person looks at it they may be able to just clamp it up. Putting even $400 into this car sounds like a lot to me in this moment!

I'm Sorry Denver

For the noise I subject you to every time I drive my car! Last night after a drink celebrating the end of Vivian's session 2 improv classes I went over a bump at a light rail crossing. I was afraid my trunk was going to pop up but instead all of a sudden my car was making an ungodly amount of noise. Dave thinks I knocked part of the exhaust pipe off - and I'll get it checked out this afternoon or tomorrow morning. For now it sounds like 4 Harley's are driving down the street when I'm driving my little Grand Am. And apparently I need new brakes too - that will have to wait until I'm back on some one's payroll...

A Week of No Job

Well I'm home. On the couch. And it feels pretty good. And at the same time there's something completely disorienting about it. Here's a quick time line for you:

3:00 pm, Friday 10/6 - accepted offer of new position
8:00 pm, Sunday 10/8 - completed resignation letter
8:00 am, Monday 10/9 - reported for work
9:30 am, Monday 10/9 - presented resignation letter to boss shortly after he arrived
10:00 am, Monday, 10/9 - left job after 2 weeks notice was not accepted
1:00 pm, Monday, 10/9 - moved start date of new job up one week

Which leaves me with this week off. And I hope to create some space for my soul and my mind and my heart to get a bit of understanding and clarity around the situation. I also plan to clean my apartment, and do some laundry and enjoy some time with my Dad.

October 7, 3 pm, 80 degrees!

I am trying to enjoy today's beautiful weather! It's sunny, warm and predicted to get cold overnight with a high of 55 tomorrow and highs in the 40s on Monday and Tuesday. Brrr.

So since things are slightly official at this point I would like to announce that I have a new job! I'll be doing marketing as part of a team again and I'm so stinking excited. I'll be submitting my letter of resignation on Monday morning - please think of me then and if you pray - pray for courage for me.

Well I'm off to the park to play horseshoes. Really? Yes. Gotta take advantage of this beautiful afternoon somehow.

All at Once

I'm feeling these days like it's either feast or famine in my world. In the past couple of weeks it seems as though all sorts of things are happening all at once. And in the midst of it all I haven't had a chance to really process through any of it. I'm just kind of sailing along, and by sailing I mean power boating along and things are happening and I'm making choices and I still don't really feel connected to why I'm doing some of the things I'm doing. Or how I got to the point I am.

And so - for at least the next week and ideally for a long time after that I'm trying to pay attention to the Spirit in and around me. The Spirit that helps me find center and by center I mean that grounded place where decisions are less stressful because I know where my center is. That centered place where it doesn't have to be about me. That place where reality is understood to a greater extent - where some sort of clarity may be found. I'm positive I have ideas about what this looks like that will be shot to pieces - and my hope is that in the shooting I'll see the beauty of what's behind the wall. Of what living in the Spirit truly actually looks like.

For the last 12 hours it's been kicking my butt and giving me hope and in a crazy turn of events - energy. What up Spirit?

One Week!

In one week my Dad is coming to visit! And after seeing this and a bunch of other pictures I asked that he bring the little one with him. He was up for it, and my sister vetoed. Come on Shanna! Please. Pretty Please?

One thing I miss

Thanks to Vivian for bravely snapping this picture while driving the fancy rental car in Michigan a couple weeks ago. I miss Meijer. Or if you prefer Meijer's. Walmart and Target are helpful. And just not the same. Did you know you can be Meijer's friend on myspace? I'm not yet - something about that feels a bit crazy in the head. And I'm not writing it off totally.

Conditional Trust

I've begun to notice more and more how conditional my trust, surrender, love (insert whatever word helps you best) for the Divine is. Like when things start going my way I'm up for it - for trusting, surrendering, whatever.

For instance - in the past couple of weeks there have been a few things I've wanted and looked for. When it looked good I was hopeful, it was easy and then when it started to look like things were falling apart, that things weren't going my way, I got totally angry and untrusting. I'm struck with this today because I thought that today was going to be unbearable at work. And because we're suddenly and uncharacteristically busy the training I thought was going to happen today - not going to happen. And the trainer - headed back out of town today - so it's not going to happen any time soon. And all of a sudden I'm fine.

And then I go around in the justification circle because it feels a bit like being a fair weather friend. It sounds a little something like this. Hey - I'm thankful to the Jesus - it's not like I'm leaving him totally out of this. And the people in the Bible needed all sorts of miraculous signs - and they could see Jesus. So it's not unreasonable that I would desire some sort of sign myself. So I'm fine. Somehow that doesn't seem quite right either.

I don't have any sort of resolution or conclusion to make here...just what's been on my mind this morning.

What's also been on my mind - how cute this little Cheyenne is!

Here's To Trying New Things

Yesterday I took my first motorcycle ride! At first I was scared! Every time we went around a curve it seemed as though we were accelerating into the turn. But as I got used to it and what I should be doing it was so much fun! And the Aspens were beautiful - all yellow and shining in the sun. I forgot my camera (grr) but here's a taste of what I saw:

Where Do I Turn Next?

This morning on my way into work I noticed that there are GPS trackers on the 16th Street Mall busses. For those of you not familiar with Denver this is a free shuttle that lives up to it's name - it drives on one street, 16th! The screen did say GPS not available - does that mean though that sometimes it is available? For the drivers getting lost? On 16th Street? Seriously!

My Overactive Mind

The highs have been high and the lows have been low this week. In the last two weeks I've celebrated surviving a year in Denver and one of the best birthdays ever. I had a sense of hope connected to the commemoration of these two events - hope that things were starting to take a turn. Hope that as summer turned to fall and year one turned to year two that things are getting better. Easier. I had (and I suppose technically still have) a couple of new things in the works that for a moment or seven felt like confirmation, like a sign that things were turning around. I felt the happiest I had in at least a year if not more. And then those things seemed to evaporate. They fell off the radar screen. And I'm left with questions:

• Did I read the signs wrong?
• Did I say something wrong?
• Do I keep hoping?
• What's so hard about picking up the phone?
• Do I keep trying to move forward?
• Do I buck it up and just make the best of what I have?
• Did I put my hope in the wrong path?
• What's coming next?
• Did I just get too eager?
• Is the next fall going to be harder because the high was higher?

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. An iceberg that's cold at night when I'm trying to sleep but looks harmless during the day. One that was beginning to melt and I sincerely believe will probably always be there - and hopefully will start melting a bit soon so that one day, long from now, it's a little cube. One I can drop in an umbrella drink and be done with.

I Ain't Sayin She a Gold Digger

Thanks Luke for the smile this brought to my face at the end of an emotionally hard day yesterday!

So it turns out that in a low moment yesterday I realized it's possible I just want to be taken care of. That I'm tired of earning everything - that perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to live in the 1950s. That I think I could clean, cook and watch after kids in return for a home, food and some lovin'. That perhaps I don't fit in the 9-5 world. Which would be a fine realization except that the salaries for doing something I might actually like won't pay my rent. So I'm thinking I'll expand my job search to include 'Gold digger'. Do you think there's a category for that on monster?

On Realistic Expectations

Siggh.

I am so impatient today - and frustrated. I was expecting an important phone call yesterday, Monday, September 25, 2006 before 5:00 pm. It's now Tuesday, September 26, 2006 at 3:46 pm. And I have not yet received this phone call. And I'm anxious and irritated and frustrated.

Here's my thing - if when setting expectations about a process you believe you will respond on Monday then say that AND follow through on it. If there is even 1% of you that anticipates that perhaps Monday is not when you'll call then be more vague - say sometime next week, early next week - anything! For me - and I know I'm not really normal - and still for me honesty is better than giving an estimate that may be rushed. That you may not be able to follow through on. So if you know that you'd really like to get back to me on Monday and know that it may be on Tuesday or Wednesday - then either tell me that OR tell me that you'll get back to me by Wednesday. I will appreciate it.

Grrrr.

Twenty-Seven

Today I turn 27. Jeff told me last night that 27 means I'm now in my late twenties. To his credit he also said that's a pretty cool place to be - that there's this sense of found identity along with still being in the twenties and having fun. Thanks Jeff.

Now I'm glad that at 27 Jeff's found some sort of identity because I'm not sure I fit into that part of the "late 20s" category. Don't get me wrong - I certainly understand myself better than I did 5 years or even a year ago - and I think there' s perhaps part of me that's caught up in an understanding that this process of discovery never ends. So perhaps I really do fit in my late 20s and I'm getting too technical!

But if the rest of year 28 (as Sheralee reminded me I'm beginning - not year 27) feels anything like today has so far - I'm in! Let's go! Last night was a beautiful celebration with friends at our place and I'm really in a happy place this morning! So here's to the next year. May it be beautiful, fabulous, filled with friends, laughter, love, wine, Jesus, and increasing amounts of living in reality.

Creepy!

After a long day of piercing* and shopping Sheralee and I were relaxing at home last night watching a movie when out of nowhere there was someone trying the doorknob of our outside door in the kitchen and then knocking. It's not unusual for our friends to use that door, but we weren't expecting anyone. So I got up and couldn't see anyone out the kitchen window so I went to the balcony to look outside to see who it was. (not easy to scale the wall of the balcony to get on to the porch) I peeked my head out and all I could see was someone dressed all in dark clothes with a hoodie on so that I couldn't see a face - at all! It was so creepy - especially since there have been a number of occasions where we forget to lock that door after someone comes or leaves. We called the police non-emergency line but by the time we were talking with them s/he was gone and since I couldn't see a face I couldn't give a good description. So I'm just hoping it doesn't happen again.

*As a celebration Sheralee and I got our belly button's pierced yesterday. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be and is quite pretty I think!

Say Nothing At All

I thought perhaps it was time to address the lack of personal posts here on the blog. It's certainly not because of a lack of interesting, exciting and fun things going on. It's more that I'm not ready to post about it on the blog. Mostly because there's some pretty darn cool stuff that I don't want to jeopardize by broadcasting it all over the internet. I promise that the moment it's safe I'll have stories and details posted :)

For now I leave you with this. I was surfing the radio waves yesterday in my car on the way home from Target. There wasn't anything good on my presets so I started scanning. The first song I came to was the theme song from Titanic. I didn't know they still played it on the radio. I forgot to check the station, if I had I would be telling you to boycott it. This is worse I think than James Blunt and I loathe James Blunt.

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day

So I saw on craigslist (one of my many obsessions) that today is Talk Like a Pirate Day. There are some commemorations of it here in Denver that I'm sure involve a lot of beer and arrgh and for that reason sound fun. In lieu of actual celebrating here's my pirate profile:

You are The Cap'n!

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

If you can't laugh at yourself...

Laugh at someone else...

So last night when I got home from picking Vivian up at the airport (welcome home Vivi!) Jim and Sheralee were looking at stuff on the internet - a fantastic pastime if you ask me! Sheralee found this video that's a spoof of Nooma and Rob Bell. The opening and a couple lines that get Rob to a 'T' are the funniest things if you ask me - see for yourself:


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Dalai Lama in da House

Don't you just want to give this cute man a hug? And sit down with him and talk about life? I do. And I wouldn't necessarily recommend running out to buy a ticket to hear him speak in a big arena. For the record the picture is of the His Highness the 14th Dalai Lama and I heard him speak this afternoon in Denver.

I honestly didn't know much about him or the Dalai Lama before I went - the extent of my knowledge was that he's the exiled leader of Tibet, he's the leader of Buddhism or at least the monks and that he's pro-peace. I was curious to see what he had to say and a friend was getting tickets - so I went in on the whole deal. After waiting in line for a half an hour just to get in the building (still don't have any idea why!) and listening to some Tibetan music and an intro by the Mayor of Denver he took the stage.

I tried hard for a while to understand what he was saying through his thick accent and after a while I gave up. Because I was bored. From what I could understand his main point was that if we all live compassionately and have a warm heart full of love the world would be a better place and we'd all be happy, or at least happier. And I agree - wholeheartedly. I just wasn't wowed by what he said. I'll admit I got the chills when he entered the room - and I believe he has great influence in the world and I"m thankful he's against war. And I still think I'd like to sit down with him and have coffee or a glass of wine - just wasn't impressed with his speech for the masses.

One Unpredictable Year

One year ago today Sheralee and I left our hotel room in Omaha, Nebraska for the second day of cross country driving and ended our trip here in Denver. I remember in the weeks after arriving some friends telling me that in a year I probably wouldn't recognize the person I'd become. And I think that's true - although not exactly in the way they or I understood. The past year has been the hardest I can remember and the things that have happened could not have been anticipated by anyone. And yet as I sit here thinking back this morning I don't think I would have made a different choice had I known the struggles of the past year. It would have been a much harder decision certainly - and one I'm not positive I would have changed.

So in a New Years of sorts here are some toasts to the next year:
Here's to increasing amounts of freedom
Here's to more nights on the porch
Here's to finding Jesus
Here's to more depth of friendship
Here's to Love
Here's to a job that lasts more than 6 months
Here's to life

Breaking My Rules

Well I'm breaking my own rules of life by posting on the blog while at work. I'm here all by myself today and it's so damn hard to concentrate and be motivated since I don't really like what I do. It scares me a bit because I've been looking at a few other jobs with a small staff and I wonder if it's me that's lazy or if I really could get some work done on my own. And I've come to the conclusion that it's probably a bit of both. That with the right motivation I could get some work done in a small office - and I currently don't have that fire lit under me.

I also wish that I had a camera with me here today. From our offices the mountains actually look purple! I've never seen them like this before and it is beautiful!

Everything you think about sales people is TRUE

Today was awful. Not a total loss - I had a fun dinner with Meghan - but awful nonetheless. The National Sales Manger has been in town for the past two days to help me learn how to be a better sales person. And my feeling that I didn't want to learn the things he wanted to teach me was right on! Turns out this guy gets excited about sales - I always thought sales was something you do until you find a job where you don't have to kiss someone else's ass 100% of the time to be successful. Plus - he wants to teach me how to con. How to pretend to be someone I'm not and promise things I don't have in order to get in the door. Seriously I sat in on a couple of phone calls he was making today where I don't think there was an ounce of truth in what he was saying. Well there was an ounce - he didn't lie about his name at any point in time. I was just getting more upset and more upset because I sooo will not lie. In fact most of the things he was trying to show me how to do I won't do. And if that gets me fired, that gets me fired.

Thankfully after he left I had a quick discussion with a coworker about it - and he felt the same way I did. So tomorrow I talk with my boss about it and we'll see where we go from there.

Oh - and one more thing - after he got some business for the company he told me "there's no way you could have gotten that listing, I needed my years of experience to know the right questions to ask and to feel him out." I'm not joking when I say that it took a lot of willpower to not physically hurt him at that point. It was after a couple of days of hearing about how fantastic he is and how long he's been with the company and how good he is at sweet talking receptionists. Arrrrrrrrrgh! (yup I'm a pirate) I want a new job soo bad! Hopefully I'll have something to report on that soon.

989 - A Summary

Well we're back from 989 and it was really quite fun. After missing a turn on the way up and taking a longer, alternate route through snow (yes falling snow on Sep't 8 less than an hour and a half from home) to get to the cabin we had a great time. We sat in the extremely chlorinated hot tub, and spent a little bit of time a the South Park Music Festival, watched a TON of football, grilled, sat outside a bit and relaxed. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to post soon.

This weekend away however has left me in a strange place - unlike the last couple of weekend trips. I've been talking with a few people about how often what you see is a direct result of what you believe. Or in other words the way you interpret situations and actions and experiences is a direct result of what you believe about yourself and the people you're with - but mostly what you believe about yourself. And I was struck with the reality of that for myself in strange moments this weekend and it pissed me off. The things I believe about myself cause me to feel pain and hurt more than I need to. More than perhaps is real. And I would like to believe different things about me. I just don't know how to do that.

And in this moment I'm completely distracted by dreading work tomorrow. The president and a long time sales guy for the company are going to be in town. And as part of this I may have to cold call offices with the sales guy to learn techniques. And by cold call I mean show up with no appointment and try to talk to people to sell them our service. I'm a pretty good learner if I want to be, and this is a skill I do think I can live without. So here's to hoping the next two days go by quickly!

989

I'm so excited to go to the mountains this weekend! On the last trip Sheralee took for work she was in the town of South Park, CO - yes the TV show is named after this town - and saw an advertisement for a music festival this weekend. This led to her finding a cabin in the mountains asdlkjfwhere we're going to stay this weekend - there's a jacuzzi tub and a golf hole and wildlife and more and I'm just so glad to be getting out of town for the weekend. We went grocery shopping last night and tonight and are all set to go. Yay!

In other news - I interviewed for a job two weeks ago and have not heard a peep since I left the interview. I've left voicemails and emails and I have now officially given up. There's I'm sure some sort of reasonable explanation - but I don't want to hear it. I'm choosing to believe they're crazy people. Makes my life easier that way.

And since I haven't posted in a while and I'm sure you've missed it, here are some pictures of one of the cutest babies ever, Cheyenne:

I heart this dress from my Aunt Maria

Seriously, get this thing off my head

I've finally mastered smiling, and I LOVE it!

You don't want inside this mind

Ok - so there's been plenty going on here this week. The long weekend was so so much fun! Just so did not want to go back to work - let's hope that this short week goes quickly!

So it's funny. There's been plenty on my mind - as I've alluded to before and the last couple of days have helped me put words to what I've been thinking about. First I've been struck with the realization that in just two weeks I'll have been in Denver for 1 year. One year that was almost nothing like I thought it would be. One year in which I have learned so much, and one year later I still miss much of what and who I knew in Michigan. And one year that I'm actually quite thankful that I've experienced something else.

And the second thing I've been struck with - more than at any other time I can remember - is total distraction with dating. And the fact that I'm not. Not that I've ever made a conscious decision not to date - just that in the last couple of weeks it's been driving me crazy that I'm not. And the thing is, I'm not lonely per se. It's more that I think I'm living more than I ever have and that's a part of me that's alive, and yet not living. If that makes any sense.

So there's that. There's a small taste of what's been on my mind. At least the parts I can put words to.

Happy Holiday Weekend!

Hope you're enjoying the long weekend! I have been - and then again - it hasn't been all roses. Friday night started off rocky - was in a bad mood, not certain what it was all about and there are a couple of hunches. Then we drank up the rest of the Oberon here - inside since it was freezing and windy out.

Yesterday I woke up not feeling great - for a couple of reasons, which are kinda gross and I will not subject you to them here. Sheralee and I watched a really sappy movie on TBS - I cried dammit - and then we went to Flatirons to walk around. I wanted to return something which is why we went all the way out there and then the Charlotte Russe there was under construction! We also went to the taste of Colorado and heard Dennis DeYoung sing - he DID sing Mr. Robato among other things, but we did not hear him ask us to come sail away. Which is what we wanted - granted, we also left early because it was COLD and I still wasn't feeling great.

I think I got about 12 hours of sleep last night - praise the jesus! And I'm feeling a bit better physically this morning! On tap: more Taste of Colorado, relaxing at Vivian's pool and hot tub. And plenty of fun I'm sure! More to come later about what's been on my mind (which is a bunch of stuff) because it's certainly been affecting everything!

At a Loss

I'd like to post. I'd like to have a story to tell you. And in this moment I don't have anything that I'm ready to send into cyberspace - it's still running around inside my head and my heart. Trying to find words. And for my sake, more than yours, I would like to find those words. Stay tuned.

Experiencing the Theory

Well it's Saturday. Hooray! And I've actually gotten some things done around the house - like do the dishes from the entire week since I haven't done them at all this week! And Viv and I are going to Thornton later! I do not like the suburbs and yet it's nice to be able to hit Ulta, Old Navy and Walmart all in one fell swoop.

Last night I had a beautiful night at the Cork House and then on our porch with good friends, good food and good drinks. And today I am struck again with sadness and anger about some of our realities. We had a lot of good laughs at reality's expense last night. The laughs being funny because of all the bizarre perceived realities in them. I want to be able to step outside of it. I want to be able to escape the pain, sadness, anger that I feel right now to see the truth. To see reality. Because I have a hunch that what I will see is all the things I think are the point, all the things that are f-ed up and painful, all the ways in which it seems to me as though I've made choices that have sent the collective us down a destructive path aren't the point. Jesus had a way of showing people the things they thought were the point aren't the point. The point is him. I wish he would show that to me. I want to believe it. I have great examples of people believing it. And I'm tired of borrowing. I want to experience it for myself. Is it too much to ask to believe an experience instead of an idea? Cause right now it feels to me like another theory - an idea that's good in theory but not in practice.

Upper Respiratory Infection

That's why I've been on the couch, blowing my nose and sleeping the day away - or at least watching TV with Vivian. And now that I have antibiotics, allergy pills and nose spray in my system I'm feeling much much better!

I also got my hair highlighted today and I heart it. It looks natural AND I even got her to understand that I want to have longer hair. It felt fantastic to actually have communicated successfully and gotten what I wanted at the salon. Here's to communication.

Falling stories

I always enjoy a good falling story. Here are two from Aspen:

After we discovered that Luke's hotel was practically next door, we watched the concert, ate dinner and then decided to scope both hot tubs to see which one was better. We were walking through this outdoor mall/market type place and there were stairs. I was thinking that I was afraid I was going to fall and said so - at the same time Sheralee was thinking she might fall and then all of a sudden Vivian was on the ground. She stepped on her ankle instead of her foot and fell. We helped her and laughed!

The next afternoon we were at the Aspen Music Festival to hear Luke sing and were walking to the bathroom when my foot slipped off the side of the sidewalk and in an intense effort not to fall I was running - fast - through the grass around people who were sitting outside to hear the concert. It was hilarious! And I didn't fall.

Also - here's a crazy video that Luke took with his camera phone...enjoy.


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Oh the places you'll go

Aspen was fun! Vivian, Sheralee and I decided to take Independence Pass to get there instead of just going up I70. I was driving and it was beautiful and scary! There were points on the way down into Aspen after we reached the top and the continental divide where there was still snow on the ground when all of a sudden signs warned that the "Road Narrows" and then we were winding down this mountain on a road with no middle yellow line because there wasn't room for it. But it was still a two way road. There were a number of places where the road was on a cliff and woah - I don't really enjoy that type of driving! We took I70 home and it too was a beautiful drive - the cliffs outside of Glenwood Springs are breathtaking.

Once we got there it was so fun! Luke was going to drive and find us - the woman at his hotel even gave him driving directions when in fact our hotels were basically right next door. We took in a bit of a Nickel Creek concert, until it started raining and we ate dinner - at the top of the hill where they were playing, so we got to eat AND hear the concert. (we would have been able to hear it better if there weren't a bunch of kids running around without great supervision.) There was a beautiful rainbow that hit the ground very close by. I got to see Vince - if only for a tiny bit - and it was great to spend some time with Luke too and hear him sing.

There are days like yesterday when we woke up, got something to eat, and sat by the pool for a while (which is a pretty common weekend routine lately) where I realized that I have a pretty sweet life. I hopefully have pics up soon.

The only hitch is that I started coming down with a cold - something I think I caught on the plane last weekend and so now I'm home trying to kick it. Off to nap.

Off to Aspen

Man - I really do get to do a lot of cool stuff. Later this morning Vivian, Sheralee and I are jetting (and by jetting I mean driving) off to Aspen for a night. It's about 200 miles from here and we'll get a chance to visit Vince, hear Luke sing and get out of the city into the mountains to relax for a bit. My love for the mountains is an ever increasing close second to my love for Lake Michigan.

After getting back from Michigan this week was good and hard. Work was a little crazy because the president was in town again - he comes about once a month - and then once he left my boss got back into town. The communication of what had happened while he was gone got a bit crazy - I am often reminded that when I communicate it's a good idea to start a couple steps before what I think is a good starting point - think I could have saved myself some frustration if I'd done that.

And in Michigan it kinda slammed me in the face how much my orientation toward the world right now is toward not taking responsibility for other people's choices. I heard "well, that's their choice and I can't be held responsible for that" come out of my mouth about 200 times in the past two weeks. I don't know if I'm just starting to notice it, if I always do that, and while I think I have a history of taking too much of other people's issues and blaming them on myself I'm just not sure if I haven't gone too far to the other side of the pendulum. So that's a tiny glimpse into what I've been thinking about lately.

See you later - after I'm back from Aspen.

100 years

I think it's been about a million years since I've posted - and I've been BUSY living like I don't have 100 years to live! I went to Michigan on Saturday - left my house at 3:30 am - which was just plain to early! And the premise for which I was going to GR was for a family weekend. Except that wasn't really the whole story. I was really going to try and pull off a surprise party for my parents (who often read this blog, which is why you haven't heard anything...). They both turn 50 in 2006 so my sisters and I threw them a joint 100 year surprise birthday party - and it was AWESOME! They were surprised and people came and the food was good and it was fun and a ton of work. Props to everyone who helped - my sisters, Burt, Tim, Beth, all of you who kept the secret - THANK YOU!

I also had some amazing time with friends in Grand Rapids. Had dinner, played shuffleboard, drank Oberon and laughed and laughed on Saturday night. Sunday night I went to Mars Hill with Burt, Tim and Beth and then tried to go to Cottage Bar. Which is closed on Sunday...grr. Except then we went to Bombay Cuisine - which was beautiful and so yummy. I even got to go to Fat Boy!

In the end I didn't spend a ton of time with my family - and I didn't get any pictures. However the whole thing was way way fun! When I got to the airport I expected Sheralee to pick me up - in the car. But when I got to the top of the escalator - she, Viv and Jim were there with a big sign that said GORT in nail polish - hilarious and made coming back fun!

Then last night we went up to Lookout Mountain and Buffalo Bill's grave to have a picnic. It was so so fun! We grilled on the park grill, had Oberon that made it home in my suitcase, some wine, hamburgers, corn on the cob and potato mushroom skewers. Oh - and oreos. We grilled, talked, listened to music and danced on top of the picnic table in the dark. Love it! (the pic at the top is Jim, Vivian and Sheralee with Oberon and the grill...)

And now I'm exhausted. That I've-been-busy-having-fun satisfied exhaustion. Back to reality :) Oh - and I put a couple more pictures on my fotki site - you can link to it from the menu on the right...

7 hours

It's 8:33 pm on Friday, August 11. In 7 hours one or more of the Phillipses and the Borgmans are picking me up to go to the airport to fly to Michigan. (The Borgs are going on vacation.) And I have just gotten my laundry out of the dryer. And I haven't started packing. Unless you call doing laundry starting, because I do. And instead of packing, I'm blogging. Ahhhhh!

And for the record I'm selfishly mad at the TSA and the terrorists. And not because of my shampoo or perfume or contact solution I may have packed in my carry-on. No - because of the Oberon and Simply Red I want to bring back from Michigan to Denver. And now I have to either ship it, or pack it in a suitcase that I will then check. No - I'm not worried that my plane will blow up - for one, I'm not flying between the UK and the US. No - instead I'm angry that I can't carry a Starbucks I purchase in the airport onto a 6:30 AM flight! That is EARLY!

So here's to getting more than 2 hours of sleep tonight! And to bringing home my favorite beer and wine from Michigan :)

5000 hits!

I believe the 5000 hit mark will be reached today! As I write this post there have been 4997 hits on my blog in it's first 6 months or so and I'm happy!

I think this blog is helping me find my voice. Not only in an attempt to describe what's happening here for all you who want to check up on me, but also more globally. As I choose to articulate my voice, I'm heard, engaged and although it may sound trite, more alive. And for this I am deeply grateful. Because in that lies about my worth are dying. And dying hard.

So brace yourself...you're gonna be hearing from me :) And I promise in the very near future that will include stories about things that are actually going on. Instead of the dialogue that's in my head. Because I've been having fun - and I'd love for you to hear about it. And there's been pain - although I'm not sure I'll post about that directly.

Here's to 5000!

Are You Sure It's Only Tuesday?

I'm not convinced. I think I may have had a mean trick played on me this week - it feels like tomorrow should be Friday - not Wednesday. Between anticipation of going to Grand Rapids this weekend, total and complete shock over events in Radius last night, and just general craziness I feel like I've had a weeks worth of experiences in two days! I do hope that the rest of the week flies by!

It's funny. And by it I mean I was in this crazy funk last week and for no reason of anything I did it's gone. I had a beautiful weekend just hanging out - and there's part of me that wants to say that being with people and having truth about being loved and wanted spoken to me that my community saved me. And in what's coming next I do NOT want to negate the beauty and importance of that. The thing that's most real however is how still it's the love of God that I'm longing for and how in my experience none of that could have happened in his absence. And it's his presence and his comfort and his love for and through me that I long for in increasing ways. So thank you community. For showing me in obvious ways that it doesn't work without Jesus. I hope we can continue running after him together.

Old Shit

It's amazing to me how old shit crops up. How it's just waiting down there to take you down - to rain on your parade and convince you that you're worthless.

I have no - I repeat no - evidence in my current world that I am anything but loved. And yet I am able to convince myself 100% that people are just being nice, that I'm being kept around until something better comes. Or as a fun project. Or as something that's funny to talk about when I'm not around. These are really old pains and wounds that continually crop up. And it pisses me off. It makes me angry again about being the easy target when I was growing up. It makes me angry that I let these voices keep me awake at night. It makes me angry that my friends have to put up with my shit - old shit that has nothing to do with them. It makes me angry that it lingers. That it won't go away.

Tonight was beautiful. And yet I walk away sad. And it makes me angry that I'm not able currently to enjoy life for what it is. Beautiful. Fullness. Joyful. Lucky. I am so damn lucky and I can barely see it!

Soul Hunger

I think my soul is hungry. Sure, that could be my stomach talking, and yet, I think it's my soul. For connection. For God. For love. See the thing is I haven't been feeding my soul well lately, and so like my stomach, it digest the things I give it, takes the good, discards the bad and waits for more. And it complains when it's been too long between meals and there is no snack.

My problem in this moment is that I've let it go to long. To the point where I'm just plain hungry and so zapped that I don't have the energy to discover what I want. I just want. And there is no fast food for the soul - I know, I know - there's chicken soup for the soul...it's just that it's summer and I don't want chicken soup. And now the metaphor has gone too far!

Peace out.