Conditional Trust

I've begun to notice more and more how conditional my trust, surrender, love (insert whatever word helps you best) for the Divine is. Like when things start going my way I'm up for it - for trusting, surrendering, whatever.

For instance - in the past couple of weeks there have been a few things I've wanted and looked for. When it looked good I was hopeful, it was easy and then when it started to look like things were falling apart, that things weren't going my way, I got totally angry and untrusting. I'm struck with this today because I thought that today was going to be unbearable at work. And because we're suddenly and uncharacteristically busy the training I thought was going to happen today - not going to happen. And the trainer - headed back out of town today - so it's not going to happen any time soon. And all of a sudden I'm fine.

And then I go around in the justification circle because it feels a bit like being a fair weather friend. It sounds a little something like this. Hey - I'm thankful to the Jesus - it's not like I'm leaving him totally out of this. And the people in the Bible needed all sorts of miraculous signs - and they could see Jesus. So it's not unreasonable that I would desire some sort of sign myself. So I'm fine. Somehow that doesn't seem quite right either.

I don't have any sort of resolution or conclusion to make here...just what's been on my mind this morning.

What's also been on my mind - how cute this little Cheyenne is!