Crazy

My mind has been going in 100 different directions today. I had a beautiful weekend that left me with much to think about. And mostly I'm thinking about how I want to become healthier emotionally, spiritually and physically. Although physically is just kinda tacked on there because it feels like the right thing to say.

This summer was hell. More hell than the previous 8 months had been. And those had been hard too. There are about a thousand things I don't understand. And I think about 995 of those things I probably never will. And I was struck in a big way this weekend about how I walked away from it and decided that everyone else was crazy. Because that was an easy way to explain while really ignoring the wounds I felt so strongly. It was easy to do that because as I did my circumstances began to change. Which I think this may be a coincidence. I don't think calling things that had hurt me crazy had anything to with change. I say this because I came to the realization yesterday that when confronted with it I'm still hurting. I want to work through the pain in more healthy ways so that I can enjoy the change in circumstances. So that I'm not bogged down by more stupid shit. So that I can give my energies and tiny hope reserves to the thing we call Radius. Because that is I think what I want. I'm tired of sitting in the fear of getting burned again. I want to be healthier so that I can see Jesus. So that I can see the things he wants to teach me. The ways he wants to explode my way of understanding him, myself and the world we live in.

Simultaneously I want to see Jesus right now without doing any of it. It feels like fuel for hope. Confirmation of being on the right track. And I think there's a sense of "I know you can show up for me, so why the hell can't I see it. Why aren't you holding my hand and helping me understand these hurts."

And I don't have any conclusion. I just tried to write one and it was so contrived and what I feel like I should say that I was making myself sick and deleted it. This is my tension. And I'll live in it for now. And I apologize for in my world calling you all crazy and myself the only sane one.