F$%&

So yesterday was hell on earth! I pulled a 14 hour day for the second time since Friday. I was called to the carpet in a meeting about some projects that were incomplete - mainly because I didn't even know they existed - I'm still working to find where my true responsibility lies in all of it. My boss is walking the fine line between directly asking for what he needs and being mean - usually falling on the mean side. We had a big fancy event last night - for which I broke out my best dress just in time to sit in a back hallway and print pictures all night because of someone else's poor planning - and then that person was a bitch about it. Not cool. I'm just not sure how much longer I can sit in the unpredictability of how I'll be treated at work - it's killing me, truly killing me. Thankfully my beautiful roommate sat with me in it at the end of the night - I honestly don't know if I'd have been able to face it again today without our conversation.

On top of all of this my sister was in an accident and the judicial system in the country where she lives is completely screwed up. Makes the USA look good...or at least decent. I don't want to post the entire story here on the blog...let's just say the situation makes me want to take a second look at no fault accident laws - there may actually be some merit there.

My Celebrity Status

Yup - I'm now a local celebrity. The Rocky Mountain News did a feature on the president of my company and my picture (with my name in the caption) was part of the article. I'd love to say more and once again, I don't want to get fired for my blog...

And it's back to Monday...
This weekend was good and hard all at the same time. I worked a lot (ick), got tweaked a bunch, and in the tweaked messiness I had a couple of incredibly important, good, hard conversations with a couple of people who mean so much to me. And in the midst of it I realized how far I've come and how growth and transformation is a lifelong process. (read - I also realized how far I have to go.)

More on that later...now I have to get to work. (oh - and by the way it's supposed to be in the 70s today and tomorrow...I LOVE Denver!)

Follow up

Last night in class during our discussion of Soul, Sharon asked a question that echoed the question of balance that I posted yesterday. How do you balance living from belovedness in community? What does that look like? Of course my notes are at home and I didn't write everything down, but what Nick said was that the orientation needs to be toward Jesus at the Center. That community is important to be the face of Trinity to us and for us to be the face of Trinity to the community. And - me having my orientation toward Trinity is the only way that it can work. It was an "aha moment" that I can't quite put back into words as perfectly as I had hoped.

In other news -
~~I was driving into work this morning and heard the Evenescence song about "All of me" and was reminded how meaningful that song is to me.
~~Our apartment was broken into last night. The burglars were in a hurry and took a stereo of Sheralee's (that she loves) and some jewelry from my room. We were lucky we weren't home when it happened and that they didn't see Sheralee's computer or her camera - and - it was still violating to think of someone being in our place.

Balance

The past week has been hard for me. Relationally there were some hard interactions - all most likely necessary, and hard nonetheless. Today I am struck yet again with this struggle - how do I balance finding my identity as Beloved by Trinity with the desire to connect truly and deeply with those around me? Certainly there's an understanding that connecting truly and deeply with those around me is an expression of Trinity and and works only when grounded in belovedness. At the same time when looking back on my swirl(s) when connection is seemingly lost or diminished there's the reality that I'm not living from belovedness. I guess the point of this rambling is - Can belovedness be understood outside of community? Can belovedness be understood outside of relationship? This tension is real to me in this moment.

ps - Today in the office I'm hearing the music that my old job had as hold music...good music, and I feel like I'm eternally on hold.

Joy in a picture

This is Burt. Burt sent me this picture this morning as a reminder that he'll be in Denver in 44 days! I am so excited for him and his buddy Tim to come - excited to spend time with them and excited for them to experience the Community Intensive. I don't know what else to say...perhaps to paraphrase Rob Bell...I don't care who you are - this picture has to make you smile!

More lyrics

I've been listening Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley on repeat today. Music has been a beautiful way for me to be in touch with what I'm feeling lately. This song talks about how love isn't perfect rather it's a broken hallelujah.

"But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah"

The song's perhaps a tad depressing, and, to me in this moment, it's full of hope. Hope that even though I'm in a broken place I can still offer hallelujah and understand it's accepted. Perhaps the brokenness is even expected.

On the word 'but'

I promised a post on how I've cut the word but (with one 't') out of my vocabulary - here it is.

It's been said that inserting 'but' into a sentence cancels out everything that's said before it. Mirriam Webster defines but as "except for the fact" - which I think reinforces this understanding of the word.

I've found that usually when you insert but into a sentence, both the statement before the 'but' and the statement after the 'but' are true. For example - I was invited out of town with a friend this weekend, and I'm not going to be able to make it. I have to work and I have a meeting on Sunday. If I told my friend "I would love to go out of town with you but I have to work and I have a meeting" what I'm telling her is that I don't really want to go with her. If I say "I would love to go out of town with you and unfortunately I have to work and I have a meeting" I'm telling her that I appreciate the invite and I'm disappointed I can't make it.

Perhaps that wasn't the best example. I think it's more obvious how detrimental the word is in a sentence that starts "I love you but" or "I desire transformation but". If a short connector is what you're looking for I think 'and' is a much better option. It shows that all you're saying is true as you understand it. "I love you and" or "I desire transformation and" show where you're starting from and something that's holding you back from expressing that to the fullest.

That's my two cents. Thanks for reading.

Oh the lies...

...they are so strong. I have to believe that Trinity is stronger than the lies, and, it's a difficult fight for me in this moment. I'm tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of believing and waiting to see. Tired of fear. Tired of vulnerability. I desire to live life to the fullest - the abundant life. I just hope it doesn't look like this forever.

Sorry Megs...and other random thoughts

The Colorado Powerball Jackpot was $365 million yesterday! Meg's theory was that it was getting so high because God wanted her to win it and so he was preventing anyone else from winning. But - someone in Nebraska bought the winning ticket. (Megs - did you go to Nebraska yesterday?)

Today is the third day in a row that it's been below 10 degrees farenheit when I woke up in the morning. Last night on my way home from work (around 9:30) there was a bank sign that said 2 and on Friday night there was a sighting of -7 on a bank sign. That's actual temperature people! I'm just thankful it's not too windy here in Denver and that even though it's cold the sun is still pretty much always out. I am certainly ready to have the 50 degree days back!

I've been struck this weekend by how my understanding of love is changing daily. (and I do mean love with a lowercase 'l') I used to think that to love someone meant to get to know them, enjoy their company and on occasion call out of them a destructive pattern or two. I think those things are a part of loving - and - it's so much more than that! Love is really rooted in knowing, continually striving to know more, and in that knowing comes facing and love. Love doesn't always mean enjoying someone's company, or being together all the time. Love means using all your minutes to face and know and in that knowing anything can happen! That's love (or at least what I know if it right now.) The hard part for me has been striving to know and understand myself - if I don't know and love myself how can I expect anyone else to? Trinity is the only one who's ever been able to do that well - and I'm certainly thankful for that!

Somewhere over the weekend my hits struck the 1000 mark! Thanks to all of you for stopping by. love, Maria

Love

I'm certainly still in some sort of a funk today. I know that there are specific situations in my world at the moment that are throwing me off, and, in the end it's more about me not living centered from a place of Love and belovedness. Recently, this song has been giving words to the hope I have about my journey. That ultimately it's about discovering that Love is enough - and living from that place - for me and for the world. Hopefully I can sparkle a little more every day.

Anna Nalick - In the Rough

You say you fell while holding diamonds in your hands"
It's your fault for running, holding diamonds," I said
And I offer no sympathy for that
I hear that it was you who died alone
And I offer no sympathy for that
Better off I sparkle on my own

And someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough

I turned around 3 times and wound up at your door
Now you say you know all you did not know before
And I offer no sympathy for that
I hear that it was you who died alone
And I offer no sympathy for that
Better off I sparkle on my own

And someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough

I got your love letters
I threw them all away
And I hear you think that I'm crazy
I'm driving 95
And I'm driving you away
And I shine a little more lately

Someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough
Someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough

I shine a little more lately

ps - watch soon for a post on the word 'but' and how I've cut it out of my vocabulary.

Pathetique

Are you ever going along, living life, thinking things are pretty good when you realize that something isn't quite right? This is what happened to me today. I was on a conference call with a coworker and a vendor - when Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata (track 1 of the link) started playing on the radio in the background and with no warning there were tears in my eyes. I've always loved this piece of music - and - that didn't really seem normal.

I certainly have some ideas what I may be sad about, I just didn't know I was in such a precarious place. Interesting.

A Goal

Today it is my goal to work while I am here at the office. I so slipped yesterday and I'm fairly positive I was talking with friends more than I was working. A couple of the conversations were important - not that they needed to be had at work - and a couple others were pure enjoyment!

So how am I going to achieve this goal? Well - I'm not logged into Skype, AIM or Google chat and I've turned my phone off. I can't (or if you wanna push it, won't) give up my Gmail addiction - I do need a little break now and then - and besides, Vivian and Meghan are some of the funniest people I know.

On a side note - last night I dreamt that my sister Jill (the youngest) got her ears pierced a bunch of extra times and was wearing huge dangly beads in each piercing. Not only is this generally random, Jill (in her own words this morning) "hates earrings and doesn't ever wear them."

Happy Valentime's Day

Love to you all!

Here's the view from the (huge) porch at the RCI site at the YMCA of the Rockies in Estes Park. See...I told you it was beautiful! And for the record, the picture certainly does not do it justice. There are a few more pictures at my fotki site (My pictures link to the left...) but there might have been some crack in the Wendy's chicken sandwich I ate on the way up the mountain because they really didn't turn out great... 

Today's been a busy and stressful day at work...and...it's all been legitimately work related. I haven't had a chance to talk with my boss - and probably won't today - which is still a bit disappointing. At the same time - we had bonafied grown up conversation about what's happening team wide he even had positive things to say today. All this conversation happened in a team meeting however, so I didn't feel comfortable busting out with the discussion I'd like to have about coaching him to manage me better.

In and amongst the stress the following things are making me happy:
1 ~ I had real hunger today for the first time in about two weeks. Not - I've missed meal time by a few hours so I should probably eat something. No - this was, hey - it's 12:15 and if I don't eat lunch I think I might die. Hooray for veggie burgers.
2 ~ I have a lot of good energy from yesterday. I had breakfast with Sara and then we had a RCI (Radius Community Intensive) meeting that was extremely productive. The meeting made me so excited about the way the experience is starting to take shape. After the meeting Wendy, Nick, Jim, Mark and I went up to Estes to look at the site and it is BEAUTIFUL! I took some pictures for us to remember and I'll try to post a couple of them up here once I get them off the camera.
3 ~ I get to talk to friends over email while I'm at work.

TGIF!

I'm so stinkin' glad that it's Friday. This week I had more run ins with my boss. Tuesday was bad for that, I spent Wednesday trying to convince myself (to no avail) that I didn't have to talk to him about it and yesterday and today he's been MIA so I haven't had the chance to talk to him.

Perhaps the reason I'm more glad it's Friday is because I'm excited about this weekend. Tonight I'm going out for dinner and that'll be fun. We may go for a late night Walmart run to attempt at staving off our Meijer withdraw. Tomorrow's Sonic and the Art Museum and The Elders at Gothic Theatre. Sunday I get to meet with Sara and then we have a RCI meeting and I'm heading up to Estes with other RCI team members for a site visit for April! Should be busy and fun - at least I get to sleep in tomorrow!

Happy trails everyone...

I'm going to let a friend speak for me today.

I didn't watch the Grammy awards last night. So while I didn't have the experience Meghan did, I couldn't express what she does here any better.

I was losing big time at trivia at Gov's. I think you need more than two brains on your team to get even close to winning.

Meijer

I miss Meijer. There's nothing like it in Colorado. Yes - this is a random thought and at the same time not so much. My friend Meghan and I email most of the day from work...here's a little excerpt from today's conversation - it's making me laugh out loud, so I thought perhaps you would enjoy it!

It all started because Megs didn't want to eat her lunch and so I encouraged her to try and trade with someone in her office.

Meghan: I doubt anyone wants a pbj sandwich and yogurt...plus I really want a cobb salad from Green next to the Corner Bakery on Araphoe.
Me: I'd trade you for ramen and an orange. Well - actually I'd trade the ramen for the sandwich. I don't want the yogurt.
Meghan: What kind of ramen?
Me: top ramen chicken flavor. I'm sad cause I can't find my favorite kind here in denver. I really like the Maruchen Creamy Chicken. I so can't find it in Denver
Meghan: Have you gone to King Soopers? They have a plethora of ramen choices.
Me: I think I've looked at King Soopers...but I'm not opposed to looking again. I think I'm going to email Meijer to see when they're moving to Colorado.
Meghan: LOL...amen..I miss it too...cheap gas, great groceries, ton to do at 3:15 am
Me: I miss it! the grocerey section was huge! I don't think people here get it...i mean the grocerey section alone was easily twice the size of safeway or king soopers or super target. there was at least three brands of everything and i think they carried every variety of every product. i mean the soup section alone was amazing.
plus - you never had to worry about it closing. for reference...the walmart just off of i25 (i think it's around thornton) is open 24 hours.
Meghan: I know what we can do Friday night!! You are right, people have no idea the beauty of Meijer.
Me: I did email them...i'll let you know if they reply to me. I mean - I'll quit my job to help build it if neccessary.
Meghan: LOL...Now, don't go to extremes, but I would be there to help open the doors. I love Meijer.
Me: well - they'd have to pay me. i wouldn't volunteer. and by help build i mean be regional president.
Meghan: Can I be the regional VP? How awesome would that be?
Me: I'm telling you it would kick ass - and i promise when I'm named rocky mountain regional president of meijer the first thing i'll do is hire you as rocky mountain regional vp.

Hope you enjoyed that little conversation...I do love the screen play type posts :)

UPDATE: I heard back from Meijer...sadly there are no plans to build a Meijer in Denver.

Hooray!

So I had a great experience getting my hair cut yesterday. First and foremost I really do like the cut - it's of course not quite as great this morning since I styled it, but a good cut nonetheless. I was happy with the entire experience - the stylist showed real interest in knowing what I wanted and pursued my personality a little bit to try and make sure the cut fit me. She took almost 45 minutes just cutting my hair (plus washing and styling) - and mentioned toward the end that she likes to spend a lot of time on someone's first cut with her to know their hair and know them. I think I'll go back to her...as long as it grows out decently.

I haven't posted much recently about me or my journey much beyond surface stuff - so here's an admittedly vague update. I've just been asking a lot of questions lately. About the nature of God, community, prayer and transformation. The thing is that I'm not coming to a lot of conclusions or answers AND I'm okay with that. The questioning actually feels more healthy than thinking I have all the answers and sticking to them. The conversations are actually more fun that way too. I'm lucky to have a lot of really smart and centered people around me to encourage my questioning and push me in healthy directions.

Hair

I'm getting my haircut tonight after work. I used to LOVE getting my haircut - the head massage, the discussion, Kelly. Now - having my haircut brings great stress because I just don't know how it's going to turn out. The last time I got my haircut in Denver I cried. I cried for a couple of days.

This time I asked better questions to hopefully get a stylist more suited to my hair. I really hope it works out! I don't want to cry over my hair. Because of growth and transformation, fine - but not hair.

Joy's coming!

My sister bought a plane ticket to come to Denver to visit during her spring break! Can't wait.

Other than that not too much to report. I'm still feeling a bit under the weather I think. Can't put my finger exactly on it, but my muscles are achy and I have almost no energy. Hopefully that energy comes back soon!

Been sick

So I've been sick and away from the computer for the last few days...I'm feeling better now - ready to eat up at a super bowl party this afternoon.

Even though I've been pretty lazy - others have been busy and there's now tons of information about the April Radius Community Intensive (CI) up on the Radius website. I've been to two CI's now and both of them have been incredible weekends where I've been able to see places where God wants to meet me and grow me, where I've learned more than I imagined I could in one weekend, and where I've experienced beautiful moments of community and what it may have been meant to be. I would love to see all your faces there, but alas...there's only room for 80 registrants. So - register now before there's no room left at the inn. Go here for all the information you could ever want about the CI.

Oh - and feel free to post a comment or email me directly if you have any questions about Radius or the CI. I would love to talk to you more about it.

Grrr

I so want to post about work on here...and I don't want to get fired for my blog, so all I'm going to say is this: I'm not feeling great today (I woke up feeling weak) and the day quickly started going downhill once I'd been in the office an hour or so.

My boss pulled me into his office for huge speech that I don't think I deserve. It was the "if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times" speech. I've heard it a lot in my time, but not for at least 10 years. I'm not saying I can't improve, all I'm saying is I can't live up to someone else's expectations if I don't know what those expectations are. You may have told me once, but that once was so vague that I don't really understand it. I know now to pursue harder, and hopefully my boss will be more explanatory.

whew...that feels better