At a Loss

I'd like to post. I'd like to have a story to tell you. And in this moment I don't have anything that I'm ready to send into cyberspace - it's still running around inside my head and my heart. Trying to find words. And for my sake, more than yours, I would like to find those words. Stay tuned.

Experiencing the Theory

Well it's Saturday. Hooray! And I've actually gotten some things done around the house - like do the dishes from the entire week since I haven't done them at all this week! And Viv and I are going to Thornton later! I do not like the suburbs and yet it's nice to be able to hit Ulta, Old Navy and Walmart all in one fell swoop.

Last night I had a beautiful night at the Cork House and then on our porch with good friends, good food and good drinks. And today I am struck again with sadness and anger about some of our realities. We had a lot of good laughs at reality's expense last night. The laughs being funny because of all the bizarre perceived realities in them. I want to be able to step outside of it. I want to be able to escape the pain, sadness, anger that I feel right now to see the truth. To see reality. Because I have a hunch that what I will see is all the things I think are the point, all the things that are f-ed up and painful, all the ways in which it seems to me as though I've made choices that have sent the collective us down a destructive path aren't the point. Jesus had a way of showing people the things they thought were the point aren't the point. The point is him. I wish he would show that to me. I want to believe it. I have great examples of people believing it. And I'm tired of borrowing. I want to experience it for myself. Is it too much to ask to believe an experience instead of an idea? Cause right now it feels to me like another theory - an idea that's good in theory but not in practice.

Upper Respiratory Infection

That's why I've been on the couch, blowing my nose and sleeping the day away - or at least watching TV with Vivian. And now that I have antibiotics, allergy pills and nose spray in my system I'm feeling much much better!

I also got my hair highlighted today and I heart it. It looks natural AND I even got her to understand that I want to have longer hair. It felt fantastic to actually have communicated successfully and gotten what I wanted at the salon. Here's to communication.

Falling stories

I always enjoy a good falling story. Here are two from Aspen:

After we discovered that Luke's hotel was practically next door, we watched the concert, ate dinner and then decided to scope both hot tubs to see which one was better. We were walking through this outdoor mall/market type place and there were stairs. I was thinking that I was afraid I was going to fall and said so - at the same time Sheralee was thinking she might fall and then all of a sudden Vivian was on the ground. She stepped on her ankle instead of her foot and fell. We helped her and laughed!

The next afternoon we were at the Aspen Music Festival to hear Luke sing and were walking to the bathroom when my foot slipped off the side of the sidewalk and in an intense effort not to fall I was running - fast - through the grass around people who were sitting outside to hear the concert. It was hilarious! And I didn't fall.

Also - here's a crazy video that Luke took with his camera phone...enjoy.


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Oh the places you'll go

Aspen was fun! Vivian, Sheralee and I decided to take Independence Pass to get there instead of just going up I70. I was driving and it was beautiful and scary! There were points on the way down into Aspen after we reached the top and the continental divide where there was still snow on the ground when all of a sudden signs warned that the "Road Narrows" and then we were winding down this mountain on a road with no middle yellow line because there wasn't room for it. But it was still a two way road. There were a number of places where the road was on a cliff and woah - I don't really enjoy that type of driving! We took I70 home and it too was a beautiful drive - the cliffs outside of Glenwood Springs are breathtaking.

Once we got there it was so fun! Luke was going to drive and find us - the woman at his hotel even gave him driving directions when in fact our hotels were basically right next door. We took in a bit of a Nickel Creek concert, until it started raining and we ate dinner - at the top of the hill where they were playing, so we got to eat AND hear the concert. (we would have been able to hear it better if there weren't a bunch of kids running around without great supervision.) There was a beautiful rainbow that hit the ground very close by. I got to see Vince - if only for a tiny bit - and it was great to spend some time with Luke too and hear him sing.

There are days like yesterday when we woke up, got something to eat, and sat by the pool for a while (which is a pretty common weekend routine lately) where I realized that I have a pretty sweet life. I hopefully have pics up soon.

The only hitch is that I started coming down with a cold - something I think I caught on the plane last weekend and so now I'm home trying to kick it. Off to nap.

Off to Aspen

Man - I really do get to do a lot of cool stuff. Later this morning Vivian, Sheralee and I are jetting (and by jetting I mean driving) off to Aspen for a night. It's about 200 miles from here and we'll get a chance to visit Vince, hear Luke sing and get out of the city into the mountains to relax for a bit. My love for the mountains is an ever increasing close second to my love for Lake Michigan.

After getting back from Michigan this week was good and hard. Work was a little crazy because the president was in town again - he comes about once a month - and then once he left my boss got back into town. The communication of what had happened while he was gone got a bit crazy - I am often reminded that when I communicate it's a good idea to start a couple steps before what I think is a good starting point - think I could have saved myself some frustration if I'd done that.

And in Michigan it kinda slammed me in the face how much my orientation toward the world right now is toward not taking responsibility for other people's choices. I heard "well, that's their choice and I can't be held responsible for that" come out of my mouth about 200 times in the past two weeks. I don't know if I'm just starting to notice it, if I always do that, and while I think I have a history of taking too much of other people's issues and blaming them on myself I'm just not sure if I haven't gone too far to the other side of the pendulum. So that's a tiny glimpse into what I've been thinking about lately.

See you later - after I'm back from Aspen.

100 years

I think it's been about a million years since I've posted - and I've been BUSY living like I don't have 100 years to live! I went to Michigan on Saturday - left my house at 3:30 am - which was just plain to early! And the premise for which I was going to GR was for a family weekend. Except that wasn't really the whole story. I was really going to try and pull off a surprise party for my parents (who often read this blog, which is why you haven't heard anything...). They both turn 50 in 2006 so my sisters and I threw them a joint 100 year surprise birthday party - and it was AWESOME! They were surprised and people came and the food was good and it was fun and a ton of work. Props to everyone who helped - my sisters, Burt, Tim, Beth, all of you who kept the secret - THANK YOU!

I also had some amazing time with friends in Grand Rapids. Had dinner, played shuffleboard, drank Oberon and laughed and laughed on Saturday night. Sunday night I went to Mars Hill with Burt, Tim and Beth and then tried to go to Cottage Bar. Which is closed on Sunday...grr. Except then we went to Bombay Cuisine - which was beautiful and so yummy. I even got to go to Fat Boy!

In the end I didn't spend a ton of time with my family - and I didn't get any pictures. However the whole thing was way way fun! When I got to the airport I expected Sheralee to pick me up - in the car. But when I got to the top of the escalator - she, Viv and Jim were there with a big sign that said GORT in nail polish - hilarious and made coming back fun!

Then last night we went up to Lookout Mountain and Buffalo Bill's grave to have a picnic. It was so so fun! We grilled on the park grill, had Oberon that made it home in my suitcase, some wine, hamburgers, corn on the cob and potato mushroom skewers. Oh - and oreos. We grilled, talked, listened to music and danced on top of the picnic table in the dark. Love it! (the pic at the top is Jim, Vivian and Sheralee with Oberon and the grill...)

And now I'm exhausted. That I've-been-busy-having-fun satisfied exhaustion. Back to reality :) Oh - and I put a couple more pictures on my fotki site - you can link to it from the menu on the right...

7 hours

It's 8:33 pm on Friday, August 11. In 7 hours one or more of the Phillipses and the Borgmans are picking me up to go to the airport to fly to Michigan. (The Borgs are going on vacation.) And I have just gotten my laundry out of the dryer. And I haven't started packing. Unless you call doing laundry starting, because I do. And instead of packing, I'm blogging. Ahhhhh!

And for the record I'm selfishly mad at the TSA and the terrorists. And not because of my shampoo or perfume or contact solution I may have packed in my carry-on. No - because of the Oberon and Simply Red I want to bring back from Michigan to Denver. And now I have to either ship it, or pack it in a suitcase that I will then check. No - I'm not worried that my plane will blow up - for one, I'm not flying between the UK and the US. No - instead I'm angry that I can't carry a Starbucks I purchase in the airport onto a 6:30 AM flight! That is EARLY!

So here's to getting more than 2 hours of sleep tonight! And to bringing home my favorite beer and wine from Michigan :)

5000 hits!

I believe the 5000 hit mark will be reached today! As I write this post there have been 4997 hits on my blog in it's first 6 months or so and I'm happy!

I think this blog is helping me find my voice. Not only in an attempt to describe what's happening here for all you who want to check up on me, but also more globally. As I choose to articulate my voice, I'm heard, engaged and although it may sound trite, more alive. And for this I am deeply grateful. Because in that lies about my worth are dying. And dying hard.

So brace yourself...you're gonna be hearing from me :) And I promise in the very near future that will include stories about things that are actually going on. Instead of the dialogue that's in my head. Because I've been having fun - and I'd love for you to hear about it. And there's been pain - although I'm not sure I'll post about that directly.

Here's to 5000!

Are You Sure It's Only Tuesday?

I'm not convinced. I think I may have had a mean trick played on me this week - it feels like tomorrow should be Friday - not Wednesday. Between anticipation of going to Grand Rapids this weekend, total and complete shock over events in Radius last night, and just general craziness I feel like I've had a weeks worth of experiences in two days! I do hope that the rest of the week flies by!

It's funny. And by it I mean I was in this crazy funk last week and for no reason of anything I did it's gone. I had a beautiful weekend just hanging out - and there's part of me that wants to say that being with people and having truth about being loved and wanted spoken to me that my community saved me. And in what's coming next I do NOT want to negate the beauty and importance of that. The thing that's most real however is how still it's the love of God that I'm longing for and how in my experience none of that could have happened in his absence. And it's his presence and his comfort and his love for and through me that I long for in increasing ways. So thank you community. For showing me in obvious ways that it doesn't work without Jesus. I hope we can continue running after him together.

Old Shit

It's amazing to me how old shit crops up. How it's just waiting down there to take you down - to rain on your parade and convince you that you're worthless.

I have no - I repeat no - evidence in my current world that I am anything but loved. And yet I am able to convince myself 100% that people are just being nice, that I'm being kept around until something better comes. Or as a fun project. Or as something that's funny to talk about when I'm not around. These are really old pains and wounds that continually crop up. And it pisses me off. It makes me angry again about being the easy target when I was growing up. It makes me angry that I let these voices keep me awake at night. It makes me angry that my friends have to put up with my shit - old shit that has nothing to do with them. It makes me angry that it lingers. That it won't go away.

Tonight was beautiful. And yet I walk away sad. And it makes me angry that I'm not able currently to enjoy life for what it is. Beautiful. Fullness. Joyful. Lucky. I am so damn lucky and I can barely see it!

Soul Hunger

I think my soul is hungry. Sure, that could be my stomach talking, and yet, I think it's my soul. For connection. For God. For love. See the thing is I haven't been feeding my soul well lately, and so like my stomach, it digest the things I give it, takes the good, discards the bad and waits for more. And it complains when it's been too long between meals and there is no snack.

My problem in this moment is that I've let it go to long. To the point where I'm just plain hungry and so zapped that I don't have the energy to discover what I want. I just want. And there is no fast food for the soul - I know, I know - there's chicken soup for the soul...it's just that it's summer and I don't want chicken soup. And now the metaphor has gone too far!

Peace out.

Sleep

I've begun to not be able to sleep through the night again. And the sleep I'm getting is very light - at least it feels that way. I'm convinced that this is a sign that there's something festering down in my core somewhere. And I would like to find it. And the fact that it doesn't work that way, that I have to wait until it's ready to come up irritates me. It's like the moments before you have to throw up - you know it's not going to be pleasant (understatement) and at the same time you know it's gonna help you feel better in the long run.

My gut is that it has something to do with a feeling of isolation. Not necessarily personal - I've been beautifully connected lately - it's more global. That my world here - even after nearly a year is still quite small. And I think there may be some anticipation of going to GR in there too - positive and negative. And it could be something 100% different than all of this. Who the hell knows?

Happy Birthday Colorado

To celebrate it's birthday (I believe 130th) the state of Colorado didn't think it was going to get enough gifts so it had the tax man demand nearly $1000 from me. Surprise surprise I didn't want to pay - nor did I think I had to! So I freaked out for a while, took a vacation to Stapleton* and then took Monday afternoon off of work to get the whole thing straightened out. I wrote a nice letter that used big tax terms to prove that I was a part year resident and so there was no way I owed that much. Got myself all geared up to be assertive and not a push over and then marched on down to the tax office - conveniently located 4 blocks from my apartment. After waiting in line for about an hour it was my turn - 57, number 57? I went up, stated that I needed to challenge this tax bill, the lady looks up my account and asks "Were you a partial year resident?" I say why yes of course I was so she gave me a form to fill out that I didn't include with my taxes - although I remember filling it out - and once I (re)submitted that form I was fine! I don't know why they just couldn't have sent me a note that said - please submit this form or you will owe $1000 - noooo of course they had to scare the shit out of me first!

*Stapleton is 15 minutes from our house and I think quite possibly within Denver city limits. It's the site of the old airport that's in the midst of redevelopment. Which means Sheralee, Vivian and I could get a nice cheap hotel room for the night and sit out at the pool and hot tub. It was AWESOME and I hope we get to do it again soon! Oh - and we ate at iHop. Who does that?