It's amazing to me how old shit crops up. How it's just waiting down there to take you down - to rain on your parade and convince you that you're worthless.
I have no - I repeat no - evidence in my current world that I am anything but loved. And yet I am able to convince myself 100% that people are just being nice, that I'm being kept around until something better comes. Or as a fun project. Or as something that's funny to talk about when I'm not around. These are really old pains and wounds that continually crop up. And it pisses me off. It makes me angry again about being the easy target when I was growing up. It makes me angry that I let these voices keep me awake at night. It makes me angry that my friends have to put up with my shit - old shit that has nothing to do with them. It makes me angry that it lingers. That it won't go away.
Tonight was beautiful. And yet I walk away sad. And it makes me angry that I'm not able currently to enjoy life for what it is. Beautiful. Fullness. Joyful. Lucky. I am so damn lucky and I can barely see it!
Friday, August 04, 2006
Old Shit
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2 comments:
for the record... i love who you are, i love being with you, and i don't mind at all that your shit pops up... you are an amazing woman and i love spending time with you :-)
Maria, how's it going? I just stumbled upon this blog in my internet surfing recently
...Um, looks like I picked a rather somber post to say hi on. I can identify with some of what you say here though. Specifically I have often had the feeling that friends are just hanging out with me because they have nothing better to do, and that if someone cooler came around I'd be off the scene. Perhaps thats a bit of a universal feeling. We can never see the good part of ourselves because we always focus on the negative
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