A Trip to the Vision Store

I was home alone last night; which explains a lot of what's going to come next. I genuinely believe that I'm a social person - and I also know that I use that to avoid dealing with my inner crap sometimes. (And by sometimes I mean regularly.)

There are a number of things I've been initially struck with recently but haven't gone down the road of pursuing, changing or questioning. Among them:

1. I'm not currently in any sort of discussion, meeting or learning about God outside of myself.
2. I'm not a visionary.
3. My ideas of where I would be in life at 27 are not any sort of reality. (This one I do not like to admit.)

I'm positive all of these are interconnected in creating the grid through which I'm currently experiencing life. It was the last two that were causing me fits last night - and what I was thinking about instead of sleeping well last night.

I'm not a visionary. I'm impulsive and I live with a focus on today more than anything. This I believe is why I have a HARD time saving money, and part of the reason I'm unhappy at work, and why I never really know what I really, really want. This may seem counter intuitive to not being where I thought I would be at 27, but it's really not. I'm smart, talented, funny, creative and a whole host of other things that leave me well equipped to be "successful" as other people define it. The cold hard truth is that I however, assumed that by now I would be married and a mother. So I honestly really didn't think real hard about plan B. Here I am - neither of those things, and it leaves me wondering a hell of a lot of things - the number two being why marketing? Why am I in this profession? I know technically how I got here, I'm just not sure I buy into the fact that it's the best place for me. I'm in desperate need of a new vision. I'm dying for some inspiration. But I can't just go to the store and get some. So what next?

This is where my exhausted self finally fell asleep, and where I'm still sitting this morning. I've got nothing more. Not that this is the end or that I'm done thinking and pursuing, I just haven't gone to formulating the next step. Oh - I did dream of discussing bra fits with Melinda, maybe that means something.

Long Weekend

I had no idea how much I needed a long weekend. That stretch from New Year's Day to Memorial Day with no work holidays is a long stretch! Now it's only a month before there's another work holiday. Plus my family is coming in June. Yay!

After enjoying happy hour on Friday night perhaps a bit too much Sheralee and I headed off for some camping on Saturday morning. We tried to get a site at a park near Morrison, but they were full. The woman there sent us to Chief Hosa campground near Evergreen. We had a good time there even though we couldn't make a fire - we grilled a beautiful dinner of chicken veggies and potatoes, walked around, Luke came to visit and we even cooked eggs on the grill in the morning. We had purchased a couple fire starter logs to have a "fire" however - the crazy camp lady was watching us like a hawk and though we started one of them we smothered it out because it wasn't enjoyable because we were too paranoid. We were certainly the hoes of Chief Ho-sa campground though - we tried to lay out in between cloud covers and had girly magazines and no kids.

Sunday we went to the "beach" at the park where we had tried to camp first and then went out later because Vivian had a guest in town and yesterday was spent doing crazy errands instead of sitting at the Congress Park pool - which doesn't open until this weekend.

All in all it was fantastic to have a long weekend and I'm so glad that this is now a 4 day week!

Tribute to Grace Adler

I mean...Gladys Knight! I was admittedly bored during the finale of American Idol this week. This moment however, made me smile :)

Observed

I've been eating dried fruit for a snack. I don't get to the grocery store all that often and the dried stuff keeps longer than the fresh stuff. However - when I eat the dried blueberries it looks a lot like I'm eating animal turds. That must be why I'm getting funny looks from my coworkers.

Camping?

Anyone have suggestions for a good campground within about an hours driving distance of Denver? I've been looking on the internet, and there seem to be a number of decent options, but seeing as I've not done much camping out here yet I really have no idea what to look for.

Suggestions? Anyone? Anyone?

Unsettled

Today I'm feeling career unsettled. Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I've been taught about work and vocation. I tossed a bit of what I'd been taught as far as your work being a part of what you were created to do, and your choice of work being somehow spiritual. Instead I prefer to look at work more holistically - as in, my whole life and being is a testament, and no matter what I do it's more about my approach and intentions than the actual title and company. I still think that's true, and at the same time I've been fairly unhappy in this and the previous two jobs that I've held. Is it indicative of a deeper problem? Have I just done a poor job of choosing jobs because I've acted spontaneously? Is it some sort of combination? Why do I get to 6 months on a job and become really restless?

No answers. Just questions. I do not like these phases.

Color Palette

I've picked out colors for my new place and I'm really excited. I started painting some trim last night and hopefully I'll be able to knock the whole place out this weekend! We'll see. I'm leaving the bathroom the same greenish teal color that it was when I moved in - I'm just painting the trim in there white so the room has some definition. Other colors include Library Mahogany for the accent wall (north side of the apartment), Cymric Silver for the rest of the walls and Vermeer for the table and stools. Sounds pretty doesn't it? (I tried to get pics of the colors to post, but alas I can't get them to work...)

In Mourning

For my girl Melinda who got kicked off American Idol last night. So sad. Yet another example of how stupid the American people are.

Hilare!

So the following things are making me laugh today:

1 - Missed Connections on craigslist:

You Dropped Your Bible and I Saw Your Thong - m4w - 30
I was walking down the sidewalk and you, a very good looking woman from the backside, dropped what appeared to be the Holy Bible, bent to pick it up, and through no fault of my own, I saw your thong...and wow. I know Jesus spent some time with Mary Magdalene, and likely she wore next to nothing under those sack cloths, but I have to admit, your short skirt and fluorescent pink thong were way sexier, and made me want to get to "know" you, in the Biblical sense, of course. I'm not Christian, but if we can stick to the basic 10 Commandments and leave the Pope out of it, I think we'll be ok. Oh, by the way, I was the very tall, tan, curly-haired, non-Christian gentleman walking behind you.

2 - Text message from Vivian: I D K, my BFF Jill...

3 - I've learned that there are 22 phones in the house Vivian grew up in, and they all have different rings. One day (very soon...) I'll get to hear them with my very own ears!

What Did You Do Last Night Maria?

Glad you asked! Sheralee and I met at the old apartment last night to clean. As part of the deal to leave our lease early we agreed to clean the place so that our landlord could show it. So we got something to eat as a celebration of the last bit of moving work getting done and got to it. This involved me getting up on the porch railing to take down some lights that were up there, cleaning out the fridge and the freezer, Sheralee cleaning out the oven (yucky), and general cleaning. While we were getting started the sky was getting blacker and blacker and eventually we were in the middle of a giant thunderstorm complete with winds, torrential rain and hail.

In the midst of this rain Sheralee remembered that her windows were open so she tried to leave to go close them. When she was leaving she found that our alley had been replaced with a river and so she ended up taking my car. Except my key to her place wasn't on that key ring, so I ran her keys out to her - in the downpour and with the car parked in about 8 inches of rushing gutter water. She finally made it back to her place, to find that the rain did in fact get all over the place.

Later as we were taking out the trash to get ready to mop the floors I handed my keys to Sheralee as she was heading outside. It seemed to be taking a while for her to get back so I went out to the dumpster and couldn't find her. I started to worry just a bit when I saw her walking down the sidewalk. Yup - my keys ended up in the dumpster. So we tried getting them out with the broom handle and it just wasn't working. So I went dumpster diving - for my keys. Thankfully the trash had been taken out recently and it was mainly our trash in there. But it was a yucky soggy dumpster.

We still have to mop the floors. Hopefully that will be a piece of cake later today.

I'm In

Logistically this was the easiest move ever! I feel like a broken record when I say it, and it's true, I don't have a lot of stuff so 6 people and a little less than 2 hours got everything moved from old apartment to new apartment. The settling in is going to take a bit longer - I'm excited to paint, and at the same time I need to put some shelves up in the kitchen and the bathroom, so I want to paint soon to be able to start hanging stuff on the walls. (Wow I have some weird train of thought going on there.)

It's going to take a while to get used to living in a studio. I don't love having everything in the same room, and there's something about living in such a small space that feels a bit like failure. Like if I could just get a better paying job and take better care of my finances I could have a bigger place, like a grown-up. I keep trying to convince myself that it's okay and that it will still be comfortable to have people over. That convincing is not going too well. Hopefully time and experience will be helpful. After all, it has been two nights, and for me those two nights would have been hard even in the biggest of mansions because I'm just not very good at change. 4 blocks is a lot closer than 4 states though, so I'm hopeful adjusting this time around is going to be easier than the last.

T minus 24 Hours

I'm moving tomorrow. By this time tomorrow I will be ready to go - everything laundered and packed in boxes ready to move. Even if that means I don't sleep tonight (for two Fridays in a row).

Every day this week I have woken up with this huge sense of anxiety. My assumption is that it's about the move, but it's so general - and with no mind racing. Anxiety I feel in my stomach, that makes me want to stay in bed forever. My hope is that once I'm in the new place starting to settle in that it will slowly start to dissipate. I also believe that once I have keys to the new place some of this will die too.

Here's to a smooth move!

Today I Miss the Dutch Dancers

Even the Holland High band that danced and played music!

Found: In My Apartment

I have a plastic tub where I stick stuff that I think someday I might want to look back on, or I might want to show my kids should I ever have any. I found this box last night when I was beginning to pack up my apartment and I opened it up and this poem was on top.

Dearest Maria,
You represent to me the best of all the future has to offer.
You are like the 2 of Hearts.
Like the Queen of Hearts,
The Ace of any suite.
If you were a tree, I would be the 4 of spades
If You were sugar, I would be the 8 of any suite
Without Your Love, I am the 10 of clubs.
To obtain your sweet company, I would draw a joker.
With you, I feel richer than any diamond.
My deck of cards will never be complete
Until you give me back my Heart.

I laughed so loud - the poem was one in a series that a friend wrote to me and a third friend after losing a bet. A bet about whether or not this friend and I could be in bed before midnight (or maybe it was 1:00) every night for an entire week. If we lost we had to clean his dorm bathroom - and I don't know how he thought he could win with that disgusting task on the table. The entire story is still funny to me and I'm glad I kept the poems.

Dude Mom, Shoes Are For Feet

Not babies! Get me out of this thing and let me go see Auntie Maria!

Stealing a Moment

I'm stealing a moment here before I get to work for a quick update. This past weekend I participated in a Relay for Life event with some people that I work with. All in all it was a good time - I did however drink one too many energy drinks and my sensitive little system has been complaining! I thought I was feeling better yesterday and then this morning I wake up and I'm all nauseous again. Guess I learned that one the hard way.

It's also moving week for me. I did not think I would ever be ready to say this, and yet, I'm ready to move. Sheralee moved out a little more than a week ago and our apartment is just too big for me and my things. It echoes and I'm ready to be in a place that's all mine - where I get to make all the decisions. Most of all though I'm ready to feel stable in my living space. I haven't had that since Christmas, and holistically I think it's hard to be healthy when something's out of whack - and for the last 6 months, that's been living space. Don't get me wrong - it hasn't been all bad - just ambiguous. I'm ready for that to turn to stability.

My inner world has certainly been busy as well. I don't have the energy to go into it all right now. I think sometime soon I will though. Plus - only 42 days until my family comes to visit!! They're bringing with them my new computer as well so I'll be able to post from home. Which means I'll be back in about 7 weeks! Woohoo!

34 Degrees!

I'm scheduled to participate in the Relay for Life at Conifer High School tonight. It's an overnight walk (6pm to 6am) to benefit the American Cancer Society at a high school football field. Tonight it's supposed to be 33 and snowy. Yuck.