Therin Lies the Catch

Well it's all coming back to me. Except not in that Celine Dion way where the two lovers are getting back together. Instead in the oh man was that hard and painful way. Last night was a beautiful dinner celebration for Jim's birthday. (Happy Birthday Jim!!) Over the course of dinner somehow Dave started asking Luke and I questions about Radius. We talked and described and answered the questions to the best of our ability. As it was all going down I realized (as I've realized on a number of occasions recently) that I have a number of open wounds yet. Wounds that have fragile scabs that crack off easily. I think I'm in for a good cry fairly soon.

A second thing that hit me kinda hard when Dave and I were driving back to Denver. He could totally tell that I was off and then very sweetly said "You know you can talk to me about this." It hit me that I wanted to. It hit me that I was afraid to because I was afraid of exposure. It hit me that this fear of exposure is part of the wound. It hit me that it would probably help to talk about. It feels like a catch 22. I didn't start talking about this last night because the fear of exposure is what feels biggest - the most real. Today I got more angry about that. Which while exhausting I'm hopeful that I can use that anger as energy. Energy to push through the fear or exposure to at the very very least speak truth about that fear. Also in there of course is the fear that he'll figure out I'm crazy. That you'll all figure out I'm crazy.