Homesick

It's amazing how homesick hits here and there. Today I was homesick. I called home yesterday to tell my family to watch for me on TV - even though there was a snowball's chance in hell that I was going to make it on seeing as I was in the back of a box schmoozing and making sure every had food and a drink in their hand. And then later, after the game, I was talking to my Mom who was telling me all about how my beautiful little niece can hold things with both hands. And how she loves the toys my sisters and I have sent. I wanted to be there. I want to cheer her on when she holds things. I want to give her kisses and squeeze her. I miss sharing things with my family on a daily basis - even though I know that I got fed up with stuff when I had that opportunity.

I've been watching the ticket prices for going home for Christmas and that doesn't help. They're not getting any cheaper. I'm still hopeful, and there's this reality that I may not get home for the holidays this year. That would be a first. A first I'd rather not experience.

I Take it Back

I've been complaining about having to work this afternoon. I had to go to the Bronco's game to schmooze for work. It was a Sunday afternoon, and I didn't want to work - that was pretty much all I was thinking about. And it was so much fun! The company has a box suite and there was food and drinks and it was like you could touch the field. I'm sure if I ever get to go to see the Bronco's again I'll be sitting in the top row of the stadium somewhere! So I take it back. I went to my first NFL game in style. And for that I am thankful! I do still want comp time though. It was still Sunday afternoon :)

Dammit Tigers!

I'm not any type of hardcore fan. In fact I'm not even sure I knew the Tigers were in the playoffs until my Dad came to visit. And I'm still disappointed. And a little embarrassed. The Tigers were not looking strong any of the times I watched them.

I slept hard and well last night - and it was awesome. No alarm. Waking up when it's light out! Here's to a good night sleep.

Not much more to say than that...feeling a compulsion to post on the blog though. So it's what you get :)

Hit the Ball!

I'm sitting here letting the Tigers give me a heart attack. One inning left - they're behind by one. We'll see what happens.

So it did snow. I was convinced that it was a big scare thing and that we were maybe going to see a flurry. Nope - I haven't seen it snow hard like that in a long time. I think we maybe got 4 inches here in Denver - wet heavy snow that came down in just a couple of hours. My boss' wife measured 22 inches at their house in Conifer which is somewhere about 8000 feet. The only good thing about the snow was that I didn't have to go out to a job site. It was just postponed - in reality I would not have minded going out today - just not with the snow.

I'm glad tomorrow's Friday. I'm ready to sleep hard and long - without the alarm. And to have some time to relax and just be and not try to accomplish something. I'm still a bit exhausted and I'd like to sleep.

Exhaustion

I am exhausted. I hit a wall today about 2:45 and just wanted to sleep. Until tomorrow! Well if I'm honest I'd like to sleep through tomorrow. I have a meeting in the morning and then it's off to work with the crew for most of the day. And it's supposed to get cold and snowy overnight. If it was like today then I'd be totally in for working with them. And it's just plan supposed to be kinda icky tomorrow. Fun.

So here's to a night of nothing but relaxing and eating blueberry pancakes!

Discovering Pop Culture

So this weekend I was driving a friend's car. And it was ghetto. Part of the ghetto was that the stereo only works when a tape is in the tape player. Yup - tape. I shouldn't be soo surprised by this though, my car doesn't have a CD player either. Anyway - there was not a wide selection of tapes in the car. So I was listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival over and over and over again. And I started to wonder if I was just hearing the lyrics wrong or if they were probably just high. But they ARE saying "Tambourine's and Elephants are playing in the band."

And I laugh at myself every time I have these little realizations. All pop culture before about 1995 I have absolutely no idea about. I just wasn't exposed to too much pop culture before that. So on the one hand I get so excited when I discover things like this - it's brand new and fun. And other times I get totally frustrated because it seems as though I'm always playing catch up. So I'm sure I'll continue to find joy and fun in the old. Cause it's new to me.

Crazy

My mind has been going in 100 different directions today. I had a beautiful weekend that left me with much to think about. And mostly I'm thinking about how I want to become healthier emotionally, spiritually and physically. Although physically is just kinda tacked on there because it feels like the right thing to say.

This summer was hell. More hell than the previous 8 months had been. And those had been hard too. There are about a thousand things I don't understand. And I think about 995 of those things I probably never will. And I was struck in a big way this weekend about how I walked away from it and decided that everyone else was crazy. Because that was an easy way to explain while really ignoring the wounds I felt so strongly. It was easy to do that because as I did my circumstances began to change. Which I think this may be a coincidence. I don't think calling things that had hurt me crazy had anything to with change. I say this because I came to the realization yesterday that when confronted with it I'm still hurting. I want to work through the pain in more healthy ways so that I can enjoy the change in circumstances. So that I'm not bogged down by more stupid shit. So that I can give my energies and tiny hope reserves to the thing we call Radius. Because that is I think what I want. I'm tired of sitting in the fear of getting burned again. I want to be healthier so that I can see Jesus. So that I can see the things he wants to teach me. The ways he wants to explode my way of understanding him, myself and the world we live in.

Simultaneously I want to see Jesus right now without doing any of it. It feels like fuel for hope. Confirmation of being on the right track. And I think there's a sense of "I know you can show up for me, so why the hell can't I see it. Why aren't you holding my hand and helping me understand these hurts."

And I don't have any conclusion. I just tried to write one and it was so contrived and what I feel like I should say that I was making myself sick and deleted it. This is my tension. And I'll live in it for now. And I apologize for in my world calling you all crazy and myself the only sane one.

Baseball and Ballet

I believe that yesterday may be one of those days you look back on and say - hey remember that really random day when we went downtown to watch the Tigers in the World Series and then went to the Ballet...after a full day of randomness? It was awesome and totally crazy all at once.

I started the day off with a snowy walk to Panera for coffee with Wendy. The sun was out and everything looked beautiful - although the snow was already beginning to melt. Vivian met us there a bit later and we walked down to the Library for a cooking demonstration. This installation was tapas from a restaurant here and was really quite fun. It was like being on a cooking show and there were even samples and a recipe packet to take home. From there we went back to my place, grabbed the ghetto cruiser I'm currently driving, and went up to the Denver Merchandise Mart for an antique show. It was gigantic! And to celebrate a successful week one I picked up this fantastic purse!

That random enough for you? Good...cause it keeps going! While we were there Sheralee called because she had locked her keys in the car at the Zoo. So after we finished up at the antiques we headed home to grab her extra clicker and then over to the Zoo. From there we went down to S. Gaylord Street to try a bakery/cafe Sheralee had found called Devils Food Cafe. It was tasty! And the block it was on was cute so we poked around there for a while.

Don't worry. It gets better. From there Vivian and I changed into nice clothes for the Ballet and headed downtown for the Tigers game. I had heard that the Blake Street Tavern had these cool things that let you choose which TV to listen to if the game you wanted to watch wasn' t on the big screen. I thought it was on the block right by Coors Field and we looked and looked and couldn't find it. While we were text messaging Google this homeless guy started harassing us for 90 cents and wouldn't leave us alone, so we just went into Sports Column. Which was showing the game and was totally packed. So we eventually found where Blake St. Tavern was...about 4 blocks from where we were...so we walked down there and it was packed for the CU game and we couldn't get a seat near the TVs that were showing baseball. So we ended up at Breckenridge Brewery...after what seemed like tons of walking.

We watched the disappointing game fora while and then caught a cab back to the performance hall where I realized the Ballet started at 7:30 and not 8:00 like I thought it had. They graciously stuck us in the back and at the first intermission we found our real seats. Which were pretty good actually - front row of the Loge section - dead center.

From the Ballet we entertained the option of continuing on with the random random day...but Vivian and I were both reaching the end...so we just went home. It's days like this that make me realize I have a pretty darn fantastic life!

Sunrise

The sunrises in Denver have been spectacular this week. I'm guessing they're often spectacular, it's just that I haven't been up to watch them until now. The hours to my new job are 7:30 to 4:30 with an hour for lunch. I'm told I could also go in at 8 and take a half hour lunch and for now I'm sticking to hour lunches because I just plain usually need the break. Anyway - now that I'm driving to work toward the sunrise (instead of walking away from it) I've been awestruck by how beautiful it is. And they've all looked different!

Overall the first week at the new job has been very good. I still am not in love with the location. However - the job functions, the team orientation and being in an office of more than three is extremely enjoyable. Tomorrow I have to go to a trade show. How awful. (she said sarcastically) I know it's still the first week and the honeymoon phase and yet I'm so hopeful that this time I may be able to stay longer than 6 months! And the joy is as much in the not sending out hundreds of resumes any more as it is in the general sense of stability in my life.

I said to a friend this week that I feel as though I'm in a time of transition. Again. The entire past year certainly has been one big transition, and yet this feels different. In a good way. And in a crazy turn of events it's a change I'm able to relax and take as it comes instead of stressing and trying to control. (to a degree...not completely) Tonight I'll go to Bible Study and I'm guessing we're continuing last week's discussion/teaching about how God is committed to me. And you. Individually. And even in a week that's been fantastic I'm skeptical. Cynical even perhaps. (sadly) I wish I could put my finger on exactly why. Today it just feels like too much to ask for or hope for. That the God of the Universe has any sort of interest in me. And there's something that at the very same time feels sick and wrong about having that reaction. Like - hey - things are going great for you and you still can't even believe Me. And I slowly am beginning to feel my outlook shift. To something more like - I'm still not sure this is right. And yet, what's the harm in choosing to believe it is and seeing where it leads. That's what every body's doing in the end right? And to get back to the sunrise, I think perhaps what's gotten me over the hump is this overwhelming sense that the sunrises were there just for me. Which feels ludacris, and clear all at the same time.

I don' t know. Call me crazy. This is what happens when I don't blog for a week.

Oh Wow!

The first day at a new job will sooo take it out of you! I'm right now on information overload and excitement about starting something new...and now it's time for a break!! More later...just know I'm doing well.

Whirlwind Weekend!

For the last couple of days my Dad's been here in Denver and we've been having a great time! His flight got in Thursday late and left early early this morning, so Friday and Saturday are what we had together. Friday we took it easy in the morning, had breakfast at one of my favorite places in Boulder - Lucille's - where my Dad proceeded to announce that he hates organic food. Now this is perfectly fine to me, and I get the feeling that Boulder residents are fairly non-violent. And we're still in Boulder! I was a tiny bit afraid we were going to get into a little fight with someone right there in the restaurant.

After filling up on tasty food we went up to Rocky Mountain National Park - which is farther away than I remember it being - for a hike. We took a 7 mile hike starting at 9200 feet and going up another 750 more. Welcome to the elevation Dad! It took us about 3 hours and thankfully aside from about the last half mile the elevation gain was all first and then we went down. Part of the trail was "unimproved" and I think that's what took the most of our time. That and the parts of the trail that were covered in snow/ice - I almost fell at least once! Once we got back to Denver we went downtown for dinner with a friend and then crashed!

Saturday Dad made breakfast for Sheralee, Jim and I and it was awesome! Then we walked around the 16th Street Mall where we went in all the little touristy t-shirt shops so my Dad could find a shirt. After walking home we met Vivian and went to Lik's for ice cream and then to the King (Queen) Soopers to get some supplies for the party we were having at Mark & Jen's. The football party was way fun. Unfortunately Sheralee was the only one in the room rooting for the Gators - sorry Sheralee! And then this morning bright (well technically very dark) and early we headed back to the airport.

All of this in my noisy noisy car. Today I'm relaxing, doing dishes (oh yeah - my dad plunged out our sink while he was here too) and preparing for a new job tomorrow! Here's to a day to center.

$636

That's how much the guy at Grease Monkey said it would take to fix my car. And maybe an extra $100 if it took a little longer than they were thinking. I said thank you very much and took my car and left. As they pulled my car around there was a guy in the waiting room who told me that a similar thing happened to his car and a place down the street fixed it for $400. Now that sounds a little better and still not great. Plus - I was grossed out by said guy because he was chewing tobacco in the waiting area. Gross!!!

I really do think that if the right person looks at it they may be able to just clamp it up. Putting even $400 into this car sounds like a lot to me in this moment!

I'm Sorry Denver

For the noise I subject you to every time I drive my car! Last night after a drink celebrating the end of Vivian's session 2 improv classes I went over a bump at a light rail crossing. I was afraid my trunk was going to pop up but instead all of a sudden my car was making an ungodly amount of noise. Dave thinks I knocked part of the exhaust pipe off - and I'll get it checked out this afternoon or tomorrow morning. For now it sounds like 4 Harley's are driving down the street when I'm driving my little Grand Am. And apparently I need new brakes too - that will have to wait until I'm back on some one's payroll...

A Week of No Job

Well I'm home. On the couch. And it feels pretty good. And at the same time there's something completely disorienting about it. Here's a quick time line for you:

3:00 pm, Friday 10/6 - accepted offer of new position
8:00 pm, Sunday 10/8 - completed resignation letter
8:00 am, Monday 10/9 - reported for work
9:30 am, Monday 10/9 - presented resignation letter to boss shortly after he arrived
10:00 am, Monday, 10/9 - left job after 2 weeks notice was not accepted
1:00 pm, Monday, 10/9 - moved start date of new job up one week

Which leaves me with this week off. And I hope to create some space for my soul and my mind and my heart to get a bit of understanding and clarity around the situation. I also plan to clean my apartment, and do some laundry and enjoy some time with my Dad.

October 7, 3 pm, 80 degrees!

I am trying to enjoy today's beautiful weather! It's sunny, warm and predicted to get cold overnight with a high of 55 tomorrow and highs in the 40s on Monday and Tuesday. Brrr.

So since things are slightly official at this point I would like to announce that I have a new job! I'll be doing marketing as part of a team again and I'm so stinking excited. I'll be submitting my letter of resignation on Monday morning - please think of me then and if you pray - pray for courage for me.

Well I'm off to the park to play horseshoes. Really? Yes. Gotta take advantage of this beautiful afternoon somehow.

All at Once

I'm feeling these days like it's either feast or famine in my world. In the past couple of weeks it seems as though all sorts of things are happening all at once. And in the midst of it all I haven't had a chance to really process through any of it. I'm just kind of sailing along, and by sailing I mean power boating along and things are happening and I'm making choices and I still don't really feel connected to why I'm doing some of the things I'm doing. Or how I got to the point I am.

And so - for at least the next week and ideally for a long time after that I'm trying to pay attention to the Spirit in and around me. The Spirit that helps me find center and by center I mean that grounded place where decisions are less stressful because I know where my center is. That centered place where it doesn't have to be about me. That place where reality is understood to a greater extent - where some sort of clarity may be found. I'm positive I have ideas about what this looks like that will be shot to pieces - and my hope is that in the shooting I'll see the beauty of what's behind the wall. Of what living in the Spirit truly actually looks like.

For the last 12 hours it's been kicking my butt and giving me hope and in a crazy turn of events - energy. What up Spirit?

One Week!

In one week my Dad is coming to visit! And after seeing this and a bunch of other pictures I asked that he bring the little one with him. He was up for it, and my sister vetoed. Come on Shanna! Please. Pretty Please?

One thing I miss

Thanks to Vivian for bravely snapping this picture while driving the fancy rental car in Michigan a couple weeks ago. I miss Meijer. Or if you prefer Meijer's. Walmart and Target are helpful. And just not the same. Did you know you can be Meijer's friend on myspace? I'm not yet - something about that feels a bit crazy in the head. And I'm not writing it off totally.

Conditional Trust

I've begun to notice more and more how conditional my trust, surrender, love (insert whatever word helps you best) for the Divine is. Like when things start going my way I'm up for it - for trusting, surrendering, whatever.

For instance - in the past couple of weeks there have been a few things I've wanted and looked for. When it looked good I was hopeful, it was easy and then when it started to look like things were falling apart, that things weren't going my way, I got totally angry and untrusting. I'm struck with this today because I thought that today was going to be unbearable at work. And because we're suddenly and uncharacteristically busy the training I thought was going to happen today - not going to happen. And the trainer - headed back out of town today - so it's not going to happen any time soon. And all of a sudden I'm fine.

And then I go around in the justification circle because it feels a bit like being a fair weather friend. It sounds a little something like this. Hey - I'm thankful to the Jesus - it's not like I'm leaving him totally out of this. And the people in the Bible needed all sorts of miraculous signs - and they could see Jesus. So it's not unreasonable that I would desire some sort of sign myself. So I'm fine. Somehow that doesn't seem quite right either.

I don't have any sort of resolution or conclusion to make here...just what's been on my mind this morning.

What's also been on my mind - how cute this little Cheyenne is!

Here's To Trying New Things

Yesterday I took my first motorcycle ride! At first I was scared! Every time we went around a curve it seemed as though we were accelerating into the turn. But as I got used to it and what I should be doing it was so much fun! And the Aspens were beautiful - all yellow and shining in the sun. I forgot my camera (grr) but here's a taste of what I saw: