Where Do I Turn Next?

This morning on my way into work I noticed that there are GPS trackers on the 16th Street Mall busses. For those of you not familiar with Denver this is a free shuttle that lives up to it's name - it drives on one street, 16th! The screen did say GPS not available - does that mean though that sometimes it is available? For the drivers getting lost? On 16th Street? Seriously!

My Overactive Mind

The highs have been high and the lows have been low this week. In the last two weeks I've celebrated surviving a year in Denver and one of the best birthdays ever. I had a sense of hope connected to the commemoration of these two events - hope that things were starting to take a turn. Hope that as summer turned to fall and year one turned to year two that things are getting better. Easier. I had (and I suppose technically still have) a couple of new things in the works that for a moment or seven felt like confirmation, like a sign that things were turning around. I felt the happiest I had in at least a year if not more. And then those things seemed to evaporate. They fell off the radar screen. And I'm left with questions:

• Did I read the signs wrong?
• Did I say something wrong?
• Do I keep hoping?
• What's so hard about picking up the phone?
• Do I keep trying to move forward?
• Do I buck it up and just make the best of what I have?
• Did I put my hope in the wrong path?
• What's coming next?
• Did I just get too eager?
• Is the next fall going to be harder because the high was higher?

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. An iceberg that's cold at night when I'm trying to sleep but looks harmless during the day. One that was beginning to melt and I sincerely believe will probably always be there - and hopefully will start melting a bit soon so that one day, long from now, it's a little cube. One I can drop in an umbrella drink and be done with.

I Ain't Sayin She a Gold Digger

Thanks Luke for the smile this brought to my face at the end of an emotionally hard day yesterday!

So it turns out that in a low moment yesterday I realized it's possible I just want to be taken care of. That I'm tired of earning everything - that perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to live in the 1950s. That I think I could clean, cook and watch after kids in return for a home, food and some lovin'. That perhaps I don't fit in the 9-5 world. Which would be a fine realization except that the salaries for doing something I might actually like won't pay my rent. So I'm thinking I'll expand my job search to include 'Gold digger'. Do you think there's a category for that on monster?

On Realistic Expectations

Siggh.

I am so impatient today - and frustrated. I was expecting an important phone call yesterday, Monday, September 25, 2006 before 5:00 pm. It's now Tuesday, September 26, 2006 at 3:46 pm. And I have not yet received this phone call. And I'm anxious and irritated and frustrated.

Here's my thing - if when setting expectations about a process you believe you will respond on Monday then say that AND follow through on it. If there is even 1% of you that anticipates that perhaps Monday is not when you'll call then be more vague - say sometime next week, early next week - anything! For me - and I know I'm not really normal - and still for me honesty is better than giving an estimate that may be rushed. That you may not be able to follow through on. So if you know that you'd really like to get back to me on Monday and know that it may be on Tuesday or Wednesday - then either tell me that OR tell me that you'll get back to me by Wednesday. I will appreciate it.

Grrrr.

Twenty-Seven

Today I turn 27. Jeff told me last night that 27 means I'm now in my late twenties. To his credit he also said that's a pretty cool place to be - that there's this sense of found identity along with still being in the twenties and having fun. Thanks Jeff.

Now I'm glad that at 27 Jeff's found some sort of identity because I'm not sure I fit into that part of the "late 20s" category. Don't get me wrong - I certainly understand myself better than I did 5 years or even a year ago - and I think there' s perhaps part of me that's caught up in an understanding that this process of discovery never ends. So perhaps I really do fit in my late 20s and I'm getting too technical!

But if the rest of year 28 (as Sheralee reminded me I'm beginning - not year 27) feels anything like today has so far - I'm in! Let's go! Last night was a beautiful celebration with friends at our place and I'm really in a happy place this morning! So here's to the next year. May it be beautiful, fabulous, filled with friends, laughter, love, wine, Jesus, and increasing amounts of living in reality.

Creepy!

After a long day of piercing* and shopping Sheralee and I were relaxing at home last night watching a movie when out of nowhere there was someone trying the doorknob of our outside door in the kitchen and then knocking. It's not unusual for our friends to use that door, but we weren't expecting anyone. So I got up and couldn't see anyone out the kitchen window so I went to the balcony to look outside to see who it was. (not easy to scale the wall of the balcony to get on to the porch) I peeked my head out and all I could see was someone dressed all in dark clothes with a hoodie on so that I couldn't see a face - at all! It was so creepy - especially since there have been a number of occasions where we forget to lock that door after someone comes or leaves. We called the police non-emergency line but by the time we were talking with them s/he was gone and since I couldn't see a face I couldn't give a good description. So I'm just hoping it doesn't happen again.

*As a celebration Sheralee and I got our belly button's pierced yesterday. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be and is quite pretty I think!

Say Nothing At All

I thought perhaps it was time to address the lack of personal posts here on the blog. It's certainly not because of a lack of interesting, exciting and fun things going on. It's more that I'm not ready to post about it on the blog. Mostly because there's some pretty darn cool stuff that I don't want to jeopardize by broadcasting it all over the internet. I promise that the moment it's safe I'll have stories and details posted :)

For now I leave you with this. I was surfing the radio waves yesterday in my car on the way home from Target. There wasn't anything good on my presets so I started scanning. The first song I came to was the theme song from Titanic. I didn't know they still played it on the radio. I forgot to check the station, if I had I would be telling you to boycott it. This is worse I think than James Blunt and I loathe James Blunt.

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day

So I saw on craigslist (one of my many obsessions) that today is Talk Like a Pirate Day. There are some commemorations of it here in Denver that I'm sure involve a lot of beer and arrgh and for that reason sound fun. In lieu of actual celebrating here's my pirate profile:

You are The Cap'n!

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

If you can't laugh at yourself...

Laugh at someone else...

So last night when I got home from picking Vivian up at the airport (welcome home Vivi!) Jim and Sheralee were looking at stuff on the internet - a fantastic pastime if you ask me! Sheralee found this video that's a spoof of Nooma and Rob Bell. The opening and a couple lines that get Rob to a 'T' are the funniest things if you ask me - see for yourself:


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Dalai Lama in da House

Don't you just want to give this cute man a hug? And sit down with him and talk about life? I do. And I wouldn't necessarily recommend running out to buy a ticket to hear him speak in a big arena. For the record the picture is of the His Highness the 14th Dalai Lama and I heard him speak this afternoon in Denver.

I honestly didn't know much about him or the Dalai Lama before I went - the extent of my knowledge was that he's the exiled leader of Tibet, he's the leader of Buddhism or at least the monks and that he's pro-peace. I was curious to see what he had to say and a friend was getting tickets - so I went in on the whole deal. After waiting in line for a half an hour just to get in the building (still don't have any idea why!) and listening to some Tibetan music and an intro by the Mayor of Denver he took the stage.

I tried hard for a while to understand what he was saying through his thick accent and after a while I gave up. Because I was bored. From what I could understand his main point was that if we all live compassionately and have a warm heart full of love the world would be a better place and we'd all be happy, or at least happier. And I agree - wholeheartedly. I just wasn't wowed by what he said. I'll admit I got the chills when he entered the room - and I believe he has great influence in the world and I"m thankful he's against war. And I still think I'd like to sit down with him and have coffee or a glass of wine - just wasn't impressed with his speech for the masses.

One Unpredictable Year

One year ago today Sheralee and I left our hotel room in Omaha, Nebraska for the second day of cross country driving and ended our trip here in Denver. I remember in the weeks after arriving some friends telling me that in a year I probably wouldn't recognize the person I'd become. And I think that's true - although not exactly in the way they or I understood. The past year has been the hardest I can remember and the things that have happened could not have been anticipated by anyone. And yet as I sit here thinking back this morning I don't think I would have made a different choice had I known the struggles of the past year. It would have been a much harder decision certainly - and one I'm not positive I would have changed.

So in a New Years of sorts here are some toasts to the next year:
Here's to increasing amounts of freedom
Here's to more nights on the porch
Here's to finding Jesus
Here's to more depth of friendship
Here's to Love
Here's to a job that lasts more than 6 months
Here's to life

Breaking My Rules

Well I'm breaking my own rules of life by posting on the blog while at work. I'm here all by myself today and it's so damn hard to concentrate and be motivated since I don't really like what I do. It scares me a bit because I've been looking at a few other jobs with a small staff and I wonder if it's me that's lazy or if I really could get some work done on my own. And I've come to the conclusion that it's probably a bit of both. That with the right motivation I could get some work done in a small office - and I currently don't have that fire lit under me.

I also wish that I had a camera with me here today. From our offices the mountains actually look purple! I've never seen them like this before and it is beautiful!

Everything you think about sales people is TRUE

Today was awful. Not a total loss - I had a fun dinner with Meghan - but awful nonetheless. The National Sales Manger has been in town for the past two days to help me learn how to be a better sales person. And my feeling that I didn't want to learn the things he wanted to teach me was right on! Turns out this guy gets excited about sales - I always thought sales was something you do until you find a job where you don't have to kiss someone else's ass 100% of the time to be successful. Plus - he wants to teach me how to con. How to pretend to be someone I'm not and promise things I don't have in order to get in the door. Seriously I sat in on a couple of phone calls he was making today where I don't think there was an ounce of truth in what he was saying. Well there was an ounce - he didn't lie about his name at any point in time. I was just getting more upset and more upset because I sooo will not lie. In fact most of the things he was trying to show me how to do I won't do. And if that gets me fired, that gets me fired.

Thankfully after he left I had a quick discussion with a coworker about it - and he felt the same way I did. So tomorrow I talk with my boss about it and we'll see where we go from there.

Oh - and one more thing - after he got some business for the company he told me "there's no way you could have gotten that listing, I needed my years of experience to know the right questions to ask and to feel him out." I'm not joking when I say that it took a lot of willpower to not physically hurt him at that point. It was after a couple of days of hearing about how fantastic he is and how long he's been with the company and how good he is at sweet talking receptionists. Arrrrrrrrrgh! (yup I'm a pirate) I want a new job soo bad! Hopefully I'll have something to report on that soon.

989 - A Summary

Well we're back from 989 and it was really quite fun. After missing a turn on the way up and taking a longer, alternate route through snow (yes falling snow on Sep't 8 less than an hour and a half from home) to get to the cabin we had a great time. We sat in the extremely chlorinated hot tub, and spent a little bit of time a the South Park Music Festival, watched a TON of football, grilled, sat outside a bit and relaxed. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to post soon.

This weekend away however has left me in a strange place - unlike the last couple of weekend trips. I've been talking with a few people about how often what you see is a direct result of what you believe. Or in other words the way you interpret situations and actions and experiences is a direct result of what you believe about yourself and the people you're with - but mostly what you believe about yourself. And I was struck with the reality of that for myself in strange moments this weekend and it pissed me off. The things I believe about myself cause me to feel pain and hurt more than I need to. More than perhaps is real. And I would like to believe different things about me. I just don't know how to do that.

And in this moment I'm completely distracted by dreading work tomorrow. The president and a long time sales guy for the company are going to be in town. And as part of this I may have to cold call offices with the sales guy to learn techniques. And by cold call I mean show up with no appointment and try to talk to people to sell them our service. I'm a pretty good learner if I want to be, and this is a skill I do think I can live without. So here's to hoping the next two days go by quickly!

989

I'm so excited to go to the mountains this weekend! On the last trip Sheralee took for work she was in the town of South Park, CO - yes the TV show is named after this town - and saw an advertisement for a music festival this weekend. This led to her finding a cabin in the mountains asdlkjfwhere we're going to stay this weekend - there's a jacuzzi tub and a golf hole and wildlife and more and I'm just so glad to be getting out of town for the weekend. We went grocery shopping last night and tonight and are all set to go. Yay!

In other news - I interviewed for a job two weeks ago and have not heard a peep since I left the interview. I've left voicemails and emails and I have now officially given up. There's I'm sure some sort of reasonable explanation - but I don't want to hear it. I'm choosing to believe they're crazy people. Makes my life easier that way.

And since I haven't posted in a while and I'm sure you've missed it, here are some pictures of one of the cutest babies ever, Cheyenne:

I heart this dress from my Aunt Maria

Seriously, get this thing off my head

I've finally mastered smiling, and I LOVE it!

You don't want inside this mind

Ok - so there's been plenty going on here this week. The long weekend was so so much fun! Just so did not want to go back to work - let's hope that this short week goes quickly!

So it's funny. There's been plenty on my mind - as I've alluded to before and the last couple of days have helped me put words to what I've been thinking about. First I've been struck with the realization that in just two weeks I'll have been in Denver for 1 year. One year that was almost nothing like I thought it would be. One year in which I have learned so much, and one year later I still miss much of what and who I knew in Michigan. And one year that I'm actually quite thankful that I've experienced something else.

And the second thing I've been struck with - more than at any other time I can remember - is total distraction with dating. And the fact that I'm not. Not that I've ever made a conscious decision not to date - just that in the last couple of weeks it's been driving me crazy that I'm not. And the thing is, I'm not lonely per se. It's more that I think I'm living more than I ever have and that's a part of me that's alive, and yet not living. If that makes any sense.

So there's that. There's a small taste of what's been on my mind. At least the parts I can put words to.

Happy Holiday Weekend!

Hope you're enjoying the long weekend! I have been - and then again - it hasn't been all roses. Friday night started off rocky - was in a bad mood, not certain what it was all about and there are a couple of hunches. Then we drank up the rest of the Oberon here - inside since it was freezing and windy out.

Yesterday I woke up not feeling great - for a couple of reasons, which are kinda gross and I will not subject you to them here. Sheralee and I watched a really sappy movie on TBS - I cried dammit - and then we went to Flatirons to walk around. I wanted to return something which is why we went all the way out there and then the Charlotte Russe there was under construction! We also went to the taste of Colorado and heard Dennis DeYoung sing - he DID sing Mr. Robato among other things, but we did not hear him ask us to come sail away. Which is what we wanted - granted, we also left early because it was COLD and I still wasn't feeling great.

I think I got about 12 hours of sleep last night - praise the jesus! And I'm feeling a bit better physically this morning! On tap: more Taste of Colorado, relaxing at Vivian's pool and hot tub. And plenty of fun I'm sure! More to come later about what's been on my mind (which is a bunch of stuff) because it's certainly been affecting everything!