mmmmm.....

So the Iowans of Radius went to Pella this weekend. They may disagree with me when I say that perhaps the most important thing they did was go to the bakery and bring Sheralee and I some Banket! Banket - for those of you not from Holland (MI or otherwise) - is a dutch Almond pastry that is to die for! I think I'm in vander heaven.

Things that make you go huh?

Okay - I would like to make some observations on crazy people. Meghan, Vivian and I email most of the day - and I've found I get most of my news through this forum because Viv and Megs are looking at stuff all day long and send links along for comment. I would like to make some of my observations known to the world.

1 - On Brittany The new poster child for pro-life (news article here)
So Brittany's new nude statue is somehow associated with the Manhattan Right-to-life people because it "celebrates the recent birth of Spears's baby boy, Sean, and applauds her decision of placing family before career." And I say give me a gagillion dollars and I'll put my family first too!

2 - On TomKat The no-so-new poster people for Scientology (news article here)
There's a woman in this article that kept quiet for 18 hours when giving birth to her daughter who is now 18. This woman says "It actually wasn't that difficult, because you know what effects it could have" Really - you know what effects it could have? I would like to know if this woman is silent with her daughter now that she's 18. It's my experience that talking with her now is probably more damaging than screaming during birth.

I think I just thew up a little in my mouth

As I was writing the last post Meghan sent me this link. I think I threw up a little in my mouth as I was reading it.

Community

In Radius (my church community) we talk a lot about community and how it's part of our salvation and it's the way we were created to live and blah blah blah. And based on my experience I was starting to believe there wasn't so much truth in that.

However - last night I experienced community in an amazing way. And somehow it turned something in my core. There's some sort of pain or angst that I can't find this morning - and dammit - it feels good. {so thanks guys}

And - while I think Radius at large is far from where it could be community wise - the night gives me a tiny glimmer of hope that perhaps change is possible.

Done, I am done

in oh so many ways -

I am done with the first round of a huge project at work! Here comes the hard part - proofing - the part where everyone else points out mistakes that I missed and makes fundamental suggestions about where I've gone wrong. This part is hard for me.

I am done fearing abandonment. Well - I supposed what I'm really done is hiding it. I fear abandonment dammit - and I wish I didn't.

I am done worrying about using sleep aids - I'm just going to keep doing it - sleep changes everything. Means I have to go to Target soon...

I am done trying to figure it out. Done trying to figure me out. I'm just going to be. I'm just plain done. Done doing. I am tired. tired. tired.

Beautiful Disaster

This is going to be a stretch - I'll admit - and I still wanna post about it, so you can decide whether to read or not.

Yesterday I was given a crazy picture. I was listening to my iTunes at work while doing the mundane tedious task of updating this tiny detail in about 500 records in our database (no joke...and not the point) and I rediscovered a Kelly Clarkson song that I love - Beautiful Disaster from her Breakaway album. Kelly's singing about someone she loves who she can't figure out and who's just messy and disastrous. It's a tender song - and all of a sudden I was given a picture that this is what God sees. Maria is a messy disaster and yet Trinity's lovingly looking at me saying:

Oh when I don't know
I don't know what she's after
But she's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

Like - I get it, you're messy and you don't know what you're after - and I love you in a soft, tender, free way. I love you because of you - not in spite of you. It's somehow comforting.

Breathe...just breathe

I hope today that I can remember to take some time here and there to just breathe. In and out and in and out and continue to release more and more control!

I had so much hope about a new haircut, that I now hate...just hate. I asked her take some of the sides off, and now you can see my ears! They're fine ears I just don't like to be able to see them and I apologize to all of you who will see me that you have to look at them - feel free to look away if it's painful.

Inner Scream

Do you ever feel like there is a scream building inside of you? That all of your innards are actually physically knotting up until a moment when a very loud actual scream will force itself out of your throat no matter what you do to try and silence it? That is how I feel this week - and this certainly isn't the first time I've felt this way in my life.

I typically experience this horrible place when I feel like I'm going to be injured in my lack of control. (which by the way is true in this moment) There's most of me that believes in the safety of belovedness - and yet - really truly living from that place usually seems impossible. And in the midst of it I wonder - perhaps the distinction is that my identity is safe and secure in Trinity and it's still possible for me to feel injured and attacked. Even though my identity is safe - there's pain in the attack. Like sitting in a bomb shelter - I'm safe and yet there's pain of being in close quarters with a bunch of other people and pain of knowing that my world is never going to be the same.

I would love to write more practically what it is that's creating this inner scream - and I just don't feel at liberty to blast it all over the internet at this moment - most of it has to do with my job.

Sensible shoes

I wore sensible shoes to walk to work for the second day in a row today. That makes me sad...I dislike sensible shoes - they're not pretty! And - I promise you I would fall if I didn't wear sensible shoes in the snow that's been falling. Maybe if the managers of the Dakota would clear their sidewalk...and they don't.

For the first time in a couple of weeks I'm feeling definitely flatlined. I'm not feeling anything and I don't like it. It seems like I'm not learning anything or growing I just am. And not in the good way where I'm able to just be - the ugh way where I don't feel engaged. I'm afraid I'm shutting myself down or closing myself off to be able to go to work every day without wanting to hurt someone. I'd like to find another way.

A little song

I "wrote" this song on my way into work this morning (sung to the tune of "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas):

It's beginning to look a lot like Michigan
In Colorado
The sun hasn't shone for days
It's snowy and blowy and cold
And everyone's a little bit cranky.

They were forecasting 10-12 inches of snow in the Denver metro area and I think we maybe got 3 inches. I was really hoping to get a snow day, shoot!

Cable!

Oh the beauty of modern technology! We now have cable and internet at home - I'm writing this post sitting on my couch watching cable television and waiting expectantly for Best Week Ever to come on! I said before we got the cable that all I really wanted was to eliminate the need for the bunny ears - and - I think I'm going to enjoy the extra channels.

I posted some new pictures on fotki yesterday - be sure to check them out.

Random night of no sleep

Last night after class (l to r) Sara, Vivian, Meghan and I went out to this great wine bar in Lodo to celebrate Meghan's birthday. We had a great time talking about random stuff and even though I was feeling somewhat swirly I had a wonderful time and am looking forward to celebrating Meg more this weekend.

Since I got home around midnight I didn't feel comfortable taking the sleep aids that have been my friend lately and I didn't sleep well. In the midst of my light sleep I heard a huge crash, someone yelling "Where'd he go?" and a whole bunch of sirens - some which stopped right outside my apartment, and some which kept going. Since I was awake then I of course got up and looked out the window only to see a car in the front yard of the homeless coffee shop across the street. I saw no one in the car or in the police cruisers that were all over the scene, but I did seen a bunch of cops shining flashlights in bushes and underneath parked cars. I think I watched for at least half an hour - nothing happened during that half hour of course, but I kept watching. A camera man from Fox 31 showed up somewhere in there so I was hoping to find a story on their website this morning...but no. Needless to say, my unrested self is feeling quite uncentered this morning!

On Being Full Present

I am upset with myself today. On a number of occasions this week I've felt the urge to call my friend Christy who lives in Michigan. I never did. Now I wish I had.

Somewhere in the past let's say three years in my life at Mars Hill, Rob gave a teaching about living fully present - part of the teaching went a little like this - sometimes those little voices in our heads aren't our own. That part of living life fully present (and I would add alive or aware) is to listen to those voices, discover what's true and go for it. That's when we experience life to it's fullest - the abundant life if you will. I think there will certainly be a cost or pain involved in this, and in this moment, I'm willing to take that risk. I don't remember if the teaching touched on that - it could be my little addition ;)

Here's to living the full life!

80 Years!

It is this man's 80th birthday today! Happy Birthday Grandpa. (and with him is the newest member of our family, Rebecca Haveman)

At the beginning of my time on this blog I told stories of spilling things! Well after a few weeks of being nearly spill free (you'd think I was a 5 year old) Monday of this week I had a huge relapse! In my Monday morning team meeting the cover of my travel coffee mug wasn't pushed on all the way so I spilled a little on myself...luckily on black pants. Later in the afternoon g called an impromptu meeting and I went into his office with a nalgene 2/3 full of hot tea. I was carrying it by the cover, which was not screwed on and all of a sudden the entire cap slipped off the bottle, which crashed to the floor spewing tea all over me (clothes, face, hair) the walls, the ceiling, the carpet, the desk - EVERYWHERE! Oh my gosh - when I got over the shock of it I laughed hard - and thankfully so did everyone else!

Praise the Jesus

I was right! It was the symptoms of PMS that sent me to the edge of reason yesterday. Now - I'm not denying that there's something driving some sadness in my soul - and I don't think that's what put me on the verge of tears over a scone yesterday.

Thsi week I've been talking to Trinity via a breath prayer - a prayer that comes easily and regularly - it feels to me like a spiritual practice. I laugh at myself a little each time because the prayer that comes most easily is Jenny's prayer from Forest Gump - "Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here." And yet - Trinity knows that I'm not asking for an escape hatch, instead I'm asking for more intense ways of surrender. Sometimes I wonder if this (or any) prayer simply works to calm me down - yet in this moment I choose to believe that Trinity is up there laughing with me and saying "finally, finally this girl is asking for what we have to give."

Additionally - Natasha Bedingfield's song Unwritten has had a ton of meaning for my current place on the journey. Especially the part that says:

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin

The key it feels in this moment is to release my inner vision - for me that means to release and surrender my vision of what life, specifically my life, was, is and will be. It's not up to me - and that's a relief!!

Cravings

I seriously hope that today I am suffering from PMS. Not something I usually desire - and - I am just so tired from continuously digging into the reasons behind my sadness that PMS seems like the easy way out in this moment. I've been close to tears all morning over a craving for a cranberry scone from the Wealthy Street Bakery via Four Friends with a venti cup of Cinnamon Nut Spice coffee. It's not unusual for me to crave these two items - and I'm just not usually this upset about it.

TGIF!

I'm sure I've posted under the TGIF heading before...and it's so true yet again! This week was incredibly painful - mostly at work again - and sitting here at Friday I'm exhausted, a little sad, and proud that I was able to have a really hard conversation with my boss(es). I'm still screaming the question - God what are you teaching me in this! It seems as though it's the only sane question to ask and yet it feels a little selfish. As if I want to learn the lesson in order to avoid future pain like the pain of this week - and not completely to lean closer to Trinity and continue to become a clearer picture of God to the world. Are ulterior motives alright? I don't know, and this is the reality of the current moment.

I'm also in this moment looking forward to one month from today - April 7 - and the Radius Community Intensive. Some of my favorite people are coming from Michigan for it, and I'm hoping later today and/or over the weekend to invite a few more people again! I'm so thankful to have these weekends to leave more space for Trinity and allow Love to lead where it wills.

Oh the Drama

Do I create it? By not being able (or willing...that's up for debate) to let a seemingly bad choice go by and instead trying to affect change, am I creating a situation that's unhealthy for me? Would sitting back and letting life happen instead be better for everyone? Where is my responsibility? I can't deny that my actions (or lack thereof) affect the world. But where does it end? Does it end?

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my Dad's 50th birthday! Yep - he's gettin' old!

Surrender is so damn hard

Not complicated...but hard.

I know to my core that I am secure in my identity as beloved. I know to my core that nothing in this world that I do or that happens to me will change this. Yet there's this disconnect between knowing, understanding and surrender. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps the point is surrender without understanding. That maybe, just maybe I'm adding in an unnecessary step. That old Nike slogan - Just Do It. - keeps running through my head today. Just surrender. That is my desire for today.

On the same line I've been starting to get a new picture of surrender. That surrender is not "I'm unhappy in my job and I need to surrender that unhappiness and work hard at being happy because God is in control!" That surrender rather is "I'm unhappy in my job and I acknowledge and embrace that as fact - not as bad - and I give Trinity the steering wheel. And the next step is out of my control - no matter what the next step is." The second seems scarier with the loss of control - and yet I know (though I don't understand) that Trinity is Love and in Love I am safe...no matter what.

In other news...

Last night there was a fire at the sketchiest hotel ever - The Royal Host. The news keeps saying the police are investigating arson...I say it was probably a post-hooker smoke gone bad.

Oh what I am to learn from all of this?

Seriously - I wish I would have followed my intuition and stayed home from work today! I took the Tylenol PM a little (an hour or so) past my usual 9 p.m. self-imposed deadline and could not wake up this morning so I called in sick. Then I realized aside from a pounding headache I really was fine and so I got ready and came into the office...big mistake!

1 ~ It's 66 degrees on the way to 72 and sunny - a perfect day to be outside!
2 ~ Since the rest of the organization doesn't have it's act together it's been decided that we'll launch the next big thing online - next Friday! (that's in 11 days people)
3 ~ The headache is only getting worse.

I think I'll take a walk now - get some caffeine and chocolate, these things always help right?

Kick-ass Moving Sale

My friend Wendy's having a moving sale this weekend - stop by, say hi and spend lots of money! See you after 8:00 am Saturday at 1642 Ogden. Click here or here for more information!

Boxes

You know - it's really too bad that we as humans have limited understandings. That our limited understanding leads us to knowingly and unknowingly put things, ideas, people and god into boxes so that we can have some illusion of control. In reality the only thing I have control of is my choices - I am made up of the collection of my choices. And that collection of choices, that looks to you like Maria, is beloved by Trinity. That's the reality I'd like to live in, and I'm gradually realizing that desire more and more.

So where's this rant coming from? Don't worry...it's going to continue. In my community (which I love more every day even though it's hard as hell) there's been great importance and value place on "how you, person x, can love me well" and I'm fed up with it. Each time I, Maria, am asked to act in a certain way because "it will love me well" it feels like I am being put into someone else's box. That instead of all of us giving from our cores in all our unique ways I can only give in ways that others understand. It feels small and limiting and gross. Here's my commitment - I will give all of me in increasing ways knowing that in the midst of it I'm even putting myself in a box and I hope to God that I can continue to kick down the walls in me!