Off, just plain off

In true Maria fashion I've been posting random things for the past few days because I don't know how to express what it is that's the most real to me. Here's an attempt - hopefully I can continue to get better at this.

I'm off. Just plain off. When I moved from GR to Denver I was extremely off. And then slowly I began to understand the way things worked in this new city/community I was a part of. And as I learned I found there were things I didn't understand and other things I didn't agree with. As I began to put words on what didn't make sense to me and then communicated those ideas to the people around me everything started falling apart again.

And this makes me wonder - is it all in my head? What of life is real and what of it do we create? I want so badly to understand what of what I'm experiencing and seeing is reality and what of it I'm inventing. I need to invite others into this or else it's all going to be of my creation. Yet relating at all is hard and painful right now - I'm afraid of what inviting others in will look like. What new pain it will bring. My people pleaser is screaming for attention right now - mostly I just want to be liked. And my ideas in the past few weeks haven't been liked. This is what is scary and painful. Can I separate my ideas from myself? Am I allowing my ideas to be my identity? My ideas are definitely under attack - I believe this to be reality. Does this mean I am too, or can I separate the two? I have absolutely no idea - more of a rhetorical question really.

I've been reading Donald Miller's book "Through Painted Deserts". There was a moment in it where he talks about how a person really doesn't start questioning their way of life, their existence until they move away from the place where they grew up. I'm certainly finding that to be true!