Fantasy

I'm exhausted. Today was a beautiful day - I went up into the mountains with some good friends. We ate, browsed in some shops, hiked a bit and came back into Denver. In and of itself this is an exhausting day, and, I have so much on my mind at the moment that staying engaged in the moment and enjoying the day took so much work in and of itself. I hope that this doesn't continue. I hope that I can find a job soon - or at the very least settle into what unemployment payments will be like.

In a beautiful moment this weekend I was sitting in a friend's front yard talking about the past, present, and future using cards with words picked anonymously from a stack. The word I pulled for my present was fantasy. At first it seemed incredibly ludicrous - but when I sat with the word I realized that I would love to view life for now as fantasy. As in - I currently don't have to work, but should, barring something with the unemployment, have my bills paid for. This is a fantasy of mine. And - I have the opportunity to look at my future through fantasy eyes to perhaps find a job that I can love. One where I can wake up in the morning and not dread going into work.

That fantasy is so hard to find. I get totally bogged down in worrying about money, and searching for currently open jobs to get back to work as soon as possible. I'd like to slow down.