My first listing!

Woohoo! I've been questioning whether I'm ever going to get better at my job - and today I got my first listing! Yeah! It's amazing how hard starting something - anything - from scratch is!

Check out the new link to my friend Beth's blog about going to Nicaragua - she leaves in a week and a half to be there for seven weeks!

Long Weekend part deux

I feel like I need a weekend to recover from this weekend! Nick and Wendy's wedding was beautiful. I loved getting to know Sheralee's brother. We saw some beautiful (and bizarre) things up in the mountains. I got to meet many people who I'd heard a lot about. There was a beautiful moment on a porch.

And - in this moment it feels like this was the longest weekend of my life - and not necessarily in a good way. I am physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted and just really desire space in this moment. I just don't know when I'll be able to take it.

Here's to a four day work week!

Long Weekend!

In this moment I'm so thankful that there is a three day weekend coming up! I have no patience with myself right now because I'm not kicking ass at this new job. Thing is, I'm the only person who's not having the patience. Thankfully!

Love

So for the past 2 weeks or so I was pretty darn down. The change of jobs had me completely lost yet again and longing for something familiar - specifically to the job and then triggering other stuff. And in it I felt alone. For a million reasons - including not letting people or Jesus into it.

On Sunday evening I went for a walk and I just started letting it all out. A common phrase around here related to surrender is to sit in your pain/day/joy/whatever and "ask Jesus to do whatever it is he needs to do to bring himself and Love into me in increasing ways." Now I don't like to say that. Mainly because I'm fairly certain that whatever it is that needs to be done will be extremely painful or hurtful and I'm not going to like it. So instead I've just been asking to learn how to give love better. And I'm starting to feel better. Coincidence, possibly. Mainly because I have NO idea how to love well and I don't think I've gotten any better in the past 3 days. In fact there were points yesterday especially where I felt like I just plain backslid. And - in it - I feel different, like I'm on a different path. I don't know where it or I are going - in fact it feels more like just being than moving or going.

Here's to giving love in increasing ways.

Mmm..Saturday

I'm still completely blown away by having an entire weekend where I'm not expected to work. It helps to have a vacation every week to make the routine of going to work more bearable and accessible.

I mean - last night I went to dinner with Vivian, Meghan and Sheralee - we had a drink, sat outside, read trivial pursuit questions and relaxed! Today I went shopping with Meghan, I got groceries, talked with Jim and Sheralee, went to the art store and I'm still going to eat with Jen, Wendy and Sheralee and then go out to celebrate Sharon's birthday. AND - after all that I still have all day tomorrow to relax and get some other stuff done.

It feels amazing to make my own choices about how to spend a weekend without having to take work obligations into the picture. I understand that I chose the job - and - it usually felt like I was trapped by having to work around my weekend work schedule. Hooray for freedom!

Fun Story

Please visit Meghan's blog to read a fun story that Vivian and I wrote over email yesterday!

A not-so-fun story was last night's Will & Grace series finale. I found it extremely depressing...partially because of my state of mind, and partially because it scares the snot out of me that people can be so close for years and years and then not connect for even more years after that. I know that it happens all the time, and my hope is for deep lasting loving connection.

Krispy Kreme, Baby Foxes and a Desire for Connection

So after a day of meeting with the president that I thought was going to be training I was exhausted! And stayed home to watch American Idol and then I watched an entire hour of Scrubs. And then I felt lonely. So I called Sheralee to see if anyone was still hanging out at Vivian's and they convinced me to come over. We watched something for a few minutes and then drove all the way to Aurora for Krispy Kreme. Mmmmm. And on the way home Jim was telling us how he'd seen a fox on 7th street the other night. As I was claiming that he was lying Sheralee saw a fox cross the street ahead of us (on 7th) and then we saw these two babies playing on the side of the road. They were terribly cute and ended up going down the storm drain - that must be where they live.

It was a beautiful time and then when I got home I was still painfully sad and lonely. To the point where I just start wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why I have no patience and whether I'm just plain closed off to the connection and love I desire. Thankfully I was able to get it out and talk about it with Sheralee who beautifully spoke truth into my lies. Thankfully today was better. At the same I'm starting to wonder if it changes. If connection and transformation is possible. Whether a constant longing for connection ever diminishes. Today is May 17 - exactly 8 months after I arrived in Denver. Does the loss of the familiar ever get easier? Will this place ever feel as familiar as the last place? Or will I always feel graspy for connection?

Long day!

The president of my company is in town today and that meant meetings, meetings and more meetings! I am still anxious to get started calling and getting into the swing of what I'll actually be doing. I thought that's what we'd be talking about today, and that's not what happened. Hopefully it'll happen tomorrow - I'm anxious to get selling!

I'm excited though to sit and be tonight. And watch American Idol!

A COLD camping trip

This weekend I went camping with some friends. We went on a beautiful hike from our campsite in Golden Gate Canyon State Park to Panorama Point - where we had a beautiful view of the Continental Divide - and then back to our campsite.

Then we spent the rest of the day hanging out - roasting brats and hot dogs, eating smores and having interesting conversation. We discovered that Panorama Point was only a short drive from our campsite (I have to admit this was a tad bit disappointing) and tried to watch the sunset. There was no sunset - instead we saw some beautiful clouds and rain falling in the distance.

The night was COLD sleeping. I was in a tent with three other girls - on ONE air mattress - that is until Maria D went into the car because she was cold. Thankfully it started to warm up in the morning for a little better sleep. And by warm up I mean it was 41 degrees while we were cooking breakfast - according to Luke's magic watch.

All in all it was a great trip - and it was wonderful for my soul to be able to get away and be outside for a long long time. If you follow the My Pictures link on the right of the page you can see some pictures of the trip. And some other pictures that I finally rescued from my camera - enjoy :)

Sometimes I just wanna say huh?

I have a beautiful new job that after three days I think is really going to be a good thing. And still for some reason in this moment I feel more unhappy than when I was at the last job. I didn't - and don't - believe that a new job would make everything easier. What I didn't realize was that in actuality the pain of the last job allowed (or caused however you want to look at it) me to lose sight of some of my core sadnesses and joys. And now that the pain of the job is gone the old pains are there. Front and center. I believe - deep down - that ultimately this is a good thing. I'm growing. And growing is painful. Just ask Hayden - growing her teeth is hurting - big time! It's hard though to keep the reality of growing pain in sight. I mostly just get frustrated that no matter what happens I can't seem to find contentedness.

So for now - I'm thankful for friends who love and understand. I'm thankful for people in my community who know better than I how to approach the deep sadness. And I'm thankful to have a night to sit and watch America's Next Top Model and American Idol! Here's to Joanie and Katherine.

Five things that are changing my life

1 - Lunch hours - yup an entire hour that I'm allowed to take without a guilt trip! In fact it's pretty well expected that I take it.

2 - The 8-5 work day - as in "Maria it's 5:00 and I don't want to push you out, but it's time to go home."

3 - Training - this one's a bit harder, and at the same time it's expected that I don't know everything. Who knew!

4 - Value - or perhaps respect is a better way to put it. It's amazing to be asked on the second day "so tell me again what you didn't like about your last job. We'd really like to keep you around."

5 - Hope - that life can and will be better. That it won't always be this hard. That wholeness is available in increasing ways. That negativity won't always have a grasp on me. That love and truth will be real and within reach.

First Day

So the first day was random. I started by reading through the phone manual - yes - that's the truth. Everything except the computer in the office is from 1970 including the phone and it is crazy - completely crazy. And it just kept being random of more reading reading and reviewing something else. I'm just so used to being tossed into doing something that it nearly drove me crazy. I'm sure it didn't hurt that I got perhaps 3 hours of sleep last night and so every time I was left to read I had to fight to stay awake and even when the guys were talking I had to fight to concentrate.

And after it all they still want me to come back tomorrow. Hooray!

Really? Fabio? Really?

I just don't get it...all these women tonight on Extreme Makeover Home Edition were drooling over Fabio. I just don't get it, I think he's greasy and icky.

I'm relaxing tonight and getting ready to start my new job tomorrow. I'm starting to get pretty nervous about it. And - it seems as though they already love me, I just have to be myself and work hard to be successful. I think I'm certainly in a bit of denial about how hard it's going to be. I'm just thankful to be given an opportunity to try something new at almost no risk!

Plus - at the Cinco de Mayo festival today we got some awesome carnitas and it turns out the restaurant that makes them is a block and a half from my new office...convenient :)

Here's to new beginnings!

Jesus hearts My Space

I was feeding my newest addiction last night - my space - when I hit a person who had Jesus as their number 1 friend. I never knew Jesus lived in England, or surfed the internet...I learn something new every day! So frickin random.

Hey - to all you bloggers - I need some help. I finally got a picture on my profile, and I want it to show up on my blog like everyone else does. How do I do that? Do I have to update my template with a link?

Sheralee and I are having a Cinco de Mayo Happy Hour party at our place this afternoon...hope to see you there!

So here's a little bit more

Recap:
Last Thursday - quit my job
Last Friday - 2 interviews - one temp agency one permanent job...also with a staffing agency
Tuesday - met with staffing agency again and took job selling their services to businesses and agreed to start on Monday

So for the rest of this week I have free to be me. And to get my mind around all this. And it's harder than I thought it was going to be. I go back and forth between thankfulness for having the space to process and frustration that all I'm doing is sitting and processing...like when you talk about something so much it turns into a bigger deal than it actually is.

side note - best week ever is on the today show...i heart best week ever

It has been great to have space to connect with people back home (Christy...you're next!!) and Sheralee and I had a beautiful afternoon drinking Margarita's outside at Wahoo's Fish Tacos. Perhaps it just comes back to change...and it being hard.

Quick update!

So Sheralee's computer has been down since Sunday - sad! And it magically started working again today...hooray!

I have a new job - I start on Monday doing business to business sales for a staffing agency. I think it's going to be hard and fun. The coolest part of the whole situation is when I said to the guy interviewing me that I don't know anything about the industry and he replied that I have the personality that they're looking for and are willing to give me the tools I'll need to succeed.

I'm excited for the opportunity. More later!