To Summarize

I had a fantastic time when Jill was here. It was almost like a drug for me - and by that I mean having someone to spend time with for an entire week was a high that I just can't explain and the detox of getting back to normal life is not easy. However - while she was here we saw a LOT of stuff! We played at Garden of the Gods, saw the Coors Brewery tour, the Celestial Seasonings tour, putzed in Golden, had tea at the Boulder Tea House, putzed in Boulder, cooked, had Wahoo's Fish Tacos, had an impromptu St. Patrick's Day party complete with Shepherd's Pie and discovering your leprechaun name. We played Yahtzee and Battleship and Hit the Deck, sat in the hot tub, watched American Idol and I slept while Jill enjoyed Lost. I'm sure this is not all, and yet it's enough to show that we had a rockin good time. And that I put a lot of miles on my car.

In the coming down and getting back to real life I was struck again with a realization that I was beginning to come to before she came and shelved while she was here. I am lost. I know where I've come from, and I have no idea where I'm going. You know how people have dreams and plans and hopes. I have almost none of this. I live each day with little regard for the next. I was taught for a long time that this was great. That worrying about the future is not trusting. I've realized in the past month or so however that there's a difference between worrying and dreaming and planning. I'm in the process of claiming some hopes and dreams - and building a plan from there with the understanding that things will probably not go exactly as I think they will.

I've been playing with a couple analogies and both of them are equally true so I'll try to explain what I've been feeling this way. I feel like my life has been a hike in the woods. I had a map and food and water and somewhere I took a wrong turn. I didn't realize it for a while though, and I'm not quite sure where that turn was. Instead of consulting my map, or trying to get help I started hugging a tree and hoped someone would eventually find me. The other analogy is a boating analogy and it's quite similar. In this story I started off on an oceanic voyage in a small sailboat. I lose my way again, and instead of calling the coast guard or searching for ships nearby I put in anchor so I don't drift any longer and hope that another boat crosses my path.

Well, I'm done waiting. I'm trying to make choices that put me back on the journey. I still don't believe life is about any sort of destination, but if I'm not going anywhere, seeing anything, I'm still missing the point. And that sucks.