Is This It?

In my life as I know it I've been a fairly easy going, upbeat, positive thinker. It's come pretty easily. Then I moved to Colorado. While the positive thought about maybe someday, down the road, long from now still seems accessible, the short term seems pointless. I change this, I change that, this happens, that happens and yet I don't seem to be going anywhere. Is working day in, day out, paying the bills and trying to do the best you can all there is? Because seriously, if this is it then I'm moving to Hawaii, working at the front desk of a hotel for minimum wage and live in a tiny apartment. Cause then I'd get to go to the beach every day.

I don't know how to explain to you where this is coming from. Part of it is that there are a couple of things I want(ed) so bad that have not and are not turning out anything like I thought they would. There's part of me that's dying to those things, realizing that I had put some sort of false hope about those situations bring happiness. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of watching all these parts of me die - some for good reason, some I can't figure out - and so many times nothing is there to replace it. How long do things have to die? Where's the bottom? There was a time when I felt myself coming back to life, and now just a few months later I'm falling back again.