Transformation

The move from GR to Denver brought all of my abandonment fears to the surface and I've been sitting in the pain of it pretty much since September. I've certainly desired transformation in this area of intense pain, and believe that through the love of Trinity it's possible, and this week, after seeing it in others and desiring it for myself, I've been able to recognize transformation in myself and it's truly beautiful.

My dear friend and roommate is having a birthday on Sunday and she and I were communicating off and on all day yesterday about a venue for her birthday dinner. In the course of our discussion we did come up with the perfect place, but it's closed on Sundays. (side note...we found this out when we tried to go there last weekend...) We decided to move the party to Saturday, even though I have to work and would have to come to the party late. This decision made me sad, but in my sadness I became acutely aware of my journey.

A month, even a week or two ago, this decision would have sent me right into an abandonment swirl, but yesterday I was only sad that I would have to miss part of the party. There was no fear that I wasn't wanted. There was not pain in knowing she chose with the knowledge that I wouldn't be able to be there. It felt beautiful not only because there was less pain for me, but also because I was free to make the best decision for her - the party that would love her the best.

In the end the party moved to a different venue, and back to Sunday, and I can be there. Which makes me very happy. But that doesn't feel like the point. The point seems to be that I'm beginning to understand my identity as a beloved part of the Trinity. I saw it - and I've been searching for it and will continue to run after it.

(OK - I can't figure out how to transition into this point, but I need to mention that while I was writing this post I was drinking coffee out of a travel mug that leaks. Only I didn't know that it leaks and so I spilled coffee all down the front of my shirt. Twice.)