If a thing loves, it is infinite.
William Blake

I found this quote today when searching for inspiration around some writing I'm doing at work and it seems so profound and simplistic at the same time. I share it because it reflects some of what I've been struck with recently - that Love has to be the point. I think I've always understood that life can't be about right and wrong, that it has to be about something more. And I think that something more is Love, and in Love we find the infinite, or the eternal.

Perhaps at this point you're thinking "hey Maria, this post is pretty darn vague" and you'd be right. Mainly because I'm pretty vague in my understanding of what I'm even thinking...it's more of a feeling or an intuition - I can't quite put it into words right now. Perhaps in a few posts I'll have more understanding, and in that more to write. For now, this is what I've got.

PS - I didn't know who William Blake was either. Read more at Wikipedia.

Loss for words

Crazy - I know! I'm never at a loss for words and yet, today I am.

The Radius team went on retreat this weekend in Breckenridge. It was a beautiful time of community and growing closer in many ways with the people who I've committed to community with and vice-versa.

And today, back in Denver (after the longest drive home ever), it's as if everything has changed and I don't know exactly what to do with it.

Mice II

Okay - so yesterday the mouse was a little cute - he was just scared. Today there's a bunch more and it's just plain starting to get obnoxious.

There was one that ran through Rebecca's cube...and I share a cube wall with her, so I'm sure it was in my cube at some point in time. Then another one - or perhaps the same little mouse - ran from another cube all across the office. One mouse was caught today and we had almost caught another one when it escaped.

So distracting and a little disgusting knowing that before our space was turned into offices this fall it was a restaurant. Maybe that's why the didn't make it?

Mice

I think our office needs a cat. A couple weeks ago Cyndi found that a mouse (or mice) had snacked on some Christmas chocolates that had been sitting on her desk - and so we've been careful to keep food put away.

Today Susan saw a mouse in her cube and Cyndi and I captured and let free a baby mouse that ended up underneath her monitor stand. The poor thing was so scared!

Welcome baby Kara!

My dear friend Christy is an aunt today! ...for the second time. Please welcome little Kara to the world. As you can see, Ellie is excited to be a big sister!

I soo can not wait until I'm posting the pictures of my new little niece or nephew on this blog. Only 4 1/2 more months!

Yet another example

Let it be said (even though I'm pretty sure it already has) that I'm not very good at change. Some people are - I've met them and I'm certainly a little jealous.

There's a Radius team retreat this weekend and based on experience and what I've been told, I know there is HUGE potential for old paradigms to be exposed and new ones to be created. In my head I understand that this leaves incredible amounts of potential for growth and that change isn't necessarily a bad thing. And - my soul is scared shitless. (sorry Mom...I couldn't come up with a better word.) Because of this unrest in my soul - every little thing is tweaking me. I think it's going to be a long week.

PS - Don't let this scare you...there's a Radius Community Intensive in April. I would love to see you there.

A gift from Trinity

Do you ever have days where you just wake up and know it's going to be a good day?

Today is a day like that for me. It started with the beauty of the snow on all the trees! I know I said last night when I was brushing the car before and after class that one day of winter was enough for me, but today I like the snow again. Mainly because it's sunny today and the snow was sticking to all the tree branches - it's so beautiful I almost want to cry. I had beautiful breakfast, work seems to be going fairly smoothly, I'm listening to the Beatles and looking forward to a relaxing weekend.

It feels like a gift from Trinity...

No friggin way!

I'm not setting a precident by posting twice in one day...and I am blown away by this guy. I saw him on the news this morning and thought it might be a spoof. Nope. People in this town are CRAZY about the Broncos!

This time it really is snowing

Over the past four months I've noticed that often when the mountains get a lot of snow it's reported across the country that Denver has gotten a foot of snow. Since I've been here in Denver it's snowed twice - once in October and once the first week of December. Coming from Michigan where I heard that it had snowed or rained for 46 days straight as of the first week in January, this phenomenon of mild winter is AMAZING!

This morning I woke up to snow for the third time, and I was surprised to find that it made me happy. Probably cause it doesn't happen all the time. I toyed with the idea of driving my car to work so my hair wouldn't get ruined, but realized that odds were good (knowing my track record) I would get in an accident so I walked. But - being true to myself I did not, I repeat, did NOT wear sensible shoes! and so I slipped into work, more than walked. Thankfully I didn't fall, but I certainly did entertain myself with all the slipping and I hope someone driving their car around Capitol Hill had a good laugh too.

It could have been funny to post a good falling story on the blog - assuming I didn't hurt myself. I like a good fall now and then like this one or this one - and, I'm thankful to have made it into the office safely, but with flat hair. Hopefully I'll make it home :)

Tristan & Isolde

I had Monday off for Martin Luther King Jr. Day - this was a totally new experience for me, I never had it off for school or work until now. Jared and I took advantage of the day off to go see Tristan & Isolde. I had been dying to see it since I saw the first preview and it lived up to my expectations, mostly.

The story line didn't hold together as much as I had hoped, but there were beautiful moments when the characters were talking about love that really hit home for me. I'll try not to give too much away, but if you don't like hearing about movies before you see them STOP reading. A little more than half way through the movie there is a scene where Tristan is talking to Isolde about love and his point is that a life lived without love is meaningless. Now - he's I believe just talking about romantic love, but the truth in his words certainly hit me in amazing ways.

Long Day

This day has seemed like it's incredibly long. Like it's three days instead of one. Perhaps that's what happens when you don't sleep well.

Last night at class I was struck with two things:

1. I am still living from the lie that I'm not lovable, or perhaps desirable is a better word. Tied in with that is the understanding that I'm not yet living from my identity as a beloved daughter of the Trinity. (I'm hit with this on a daily basis recently, the moment for yesterday just happened to be in class.)
   
2. Perhaps the "graspy Maria," as I like to call her, is alright. Is it possible that the Maria that desires community and intimacy of all kinds is the next version of me? The version of me that the Trinity is drawing me into? Perhaps she's not graspy at all, but is in fact just exactly the best version of myself that I can be at this moment. I've been trying to push her away, but it's my hope that at least for a while I can strive to be the best version of "graspy Maria" that I can be and in doing so take the shame out of being graspy.

This morning in a meeting I was struck with one more thing:

• I think I have a hole in my chin. This time around it was tea, not coffee. However I did manage to land some of it on my shirt. For the love! Will it never end?

Have a great weekend everyone!

Trouble with Coffee

I spilled coffee this morning for the second time this week. This time I set a covered travel mug down in order to zip up my bag and knocked it all over the carpet, a blanket and the wall in my room! It would have been a horrible way to start the morning but my roommate came to make sure I hadn't hit my head on something and we had a good laugh about it.

I am such a klutz! And don't even suggest it - I'm positive it's NOT a sign I should stop drinking coffee.

Welcome!

I didn't know if I was going to like blogging. So I figured I'd try it out for a while before letting anyone know I was blogging. But - after only a couple of weeks I'm convinced that it's a great way of letting people into what's going on with me. And I hope that blogging will become a vehicle of my continual transformation and hope to share my journey with others.

It's great cause I only have to type things out once and an infinite number of people can read it! Plus - there's not the pain of sending out a mass email and getting 1 or 2 responses!

So welcome to my blog if you're coming for the first time. You probably won't be getting to many more mass emails from me. Feel free to leave comments or questions and please don't stop emailing me directly!

Transformation

The move from GR to Denver brought all of my abandonment fears to the surface and I've been sitting in the pain of it pretty much since September. I've certainly desired transformation in this area of intense pain, and believe that through the love of Trinity it's possible, and this week, after seeing it in others and desiring it for myself, I've been able to recognize transformation in myself and it's truly beautiful.

My dear friend and roommate is having a birthday on Sunday and she and I were communicating off and on all day yesterday about a venue for her birthday dinner. In the course of our discussion we did come up with the perfect place, but it's closed on Sundays. (side note...we found this out when we tried to go there last weekend...) We decided to move the party to Saturday, even though I have to work and would have to come to the party late. This decision made me sad, but in my sadness I became acutely aware of my journey.

A month, even a week or two ago, this decision would have sent me right into an abandonment swirl, but yesterday I was only sad that I would have to miss part of the party. There was no fear that I wasn't wanted. There was not pain in knowing she chose with the knowledge that I wouldn't be able to be there. It felt beautiful not only because there was less pain for me, but also because I was free to make the best decision for her - the party that would love her the best.

In the end the party moved to a different venue, and back to Sunday, and I can be there. Which makes me very happy. But that doesn't feel like the point. The point seems to be that I'm beginning to understand my identity as a beloved part of the Trinity. I saw it - and I've been searching for it and will continue to run after it.

(OK - I can't figure out how to transition into this point, but I need to mention that while I was writing this post I was drinking coffee out of a travel mug that leaks. Only I didn't know that it leaks and so I spilled coffee all down the front of my shirt. Twice.)

The crazies always have a way of finding me

Below I would like to share with you some very strange interaction I had last night while I was working. I would like to say that interactions like these are rare, but alas, they're not!

Act I: Pre-show
Scene: Maria is welcoming people to the event, her post is near the bathroom and she notices a man walk out of the restroom carrying two glasses of what she hopes is white wine.

Man: (walks up to Maria) Where do I drop the urine samples?
Maria: (disgustedly) I'm not sure - perhaps you can check with someone inside.

Act II: Post-show
Scene: Maria is posted near doors to answer questions as people leave. The lobby is small, it's cold outside, and she's shivering. Man from before approaches and hovers.

Man: I'm not stalking you, I'm just waiting for a ride.
Maria: Oh sure - you know this isn't a road out here.
Man: Laughs. You know - all the ensembles tonight were great, but yours is the best.
Maria: (a bit confused - assumes he's talking about the orchestra) Thanks, we all think so too.
Man: No - I mean you.
Maria: (surprised) Oh - thank you.

some other unimportant small talk ensues - revolving I believe around Denver.

Man: I'm from Boulder.
Maria: Oh - I'm new to the area, just arrived from Michigan.
Man: [says something here about it being cold there]
Maria: It's certainly been nice to see the sun almost every day!
Man: And when it gets cold like this it's really not so bad.
Maria: Yeah - I mean if I had a coat I really wouldn't be cold at all right now.
Man: Or, if you were wearing a bra.
Maria: (disgustingly) Alright.

If I wasn't wearing a damn name tag and working on behalf of my employer I hope I would have had something very rude to say back to him. When I left he said he hoped he would see me around. I did reply that I didn't think the chances were good.