Happy New Decade

Things at the ole' office have been pretty darn slow for the last couple of weeks and while I was expressing frustration (read: complaining) about the boredom last night John suggested that if the tables were turned he'd be getting a whole lot of blogging done. Which seemed like a duh moment, I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me before.

I've been sitting here the last few days thinking about how much changes in a year. I don't know why I'm always surprised by this. It seems like for so many years things came and went and while there were some things that changed, for the most part my life as I experienced it was pretty stable. Then I made the choice to shake it all up and move to Denver, and since that moment the change roller coaster has not stopped shooting me all over the place.

I used to think I was laid back. I actually think I used to be more laid back, but I'm afraid let all the unexpected change and consequence of the last four-ish years turn me into a control freak. Or maybe I just always was a control freak, but things were always going my way and so I could live in a happy state of denial.

Therefore, my resolution for the next decade, because God knows I'm only going to make baby steps in the next year, is to start letting go. Start celebrating things the way that they are and stop trying to fit them into neat little baskets. Start trying new things. Stop trying to be perfect. When I look back I can see that the best times, the times that I've been most deeply moved, deeply happy, and deeply changed for the better have been messy.

Here's to the twenty-teens being filled with messy messy growth and joy.

Summer Hiatus

Without meaning to I've taken a hiatus from blogging this summer. I'm hopeful that fall brings me back to the computer, but I make no promises. My home computer is blissfully up and running after being bogged down with too much stuff and not enough memory. I have one JA to thank for that and, in the words of my father, "I'll be forever grateful".

Today I'm writing to publicly proclaim a new goal so that I have people to help hold me accountable! By my next birthday (and by next I mean a year from now, not two weeks from now) it is my goal to be employed in a place where I don't answer other people's phones, make their files, type their letters, send their emails, and do all the piddly things they don't want to do. By this time next year I want to be in a new place where I'm challenged, have responsibility, flexibility and the space to have opinions and voice them on a regular basis.

Bottom line: I'm tired of being someone else's bitch all day long and it's time to do something about it.

New Apartment

About two months ago I moved into a new apartment. I had been living in the cutest tiny little studio in the Capitol Hill neighborhood and after two years I wanted to spread my wings. Living in a larger place has allowed me to have people over more often, has left me feeling more like a grown up, and has quite frankly made me pretty darn happy. The first morning I woke up in this apartment I knew my life would change forever because the sun actually shone in the windows. I can barely believe I spent 2 years living in an apartment that never (and I mean never) got direct sunlight!



I'll post a bunch of pictures here - I hope you enjoy them:

Right Place Right Time

Do you ever have those moments where it feels like the right thing was in the right place at the right time. Without getting too cliche I tend to think that's god working her magic and it happened again today. If you're on facebook and have 10 minutes go to the Nooma page and watch the new Nooma. It spoke to me today in beautiful ways.

Out to Sea

Here it is Thursday night, I can barely remember the last time I've posted over here, but I'm compelled to write. Compelled and yet speechless.

Cricket. cricket. crickeT.

I think compelled and yet speechless is indicative of how I've been feeling lately. I sometimes think I'm just a walking contradiction. Partly because of the disconnect I so often feel between the things I say and the things I actually do and also partly because sometimes I really truly feel like I'm completely at home in two opposite sides of the coin. In this specific moment I can't come up with an example that I'm willing to post on the blog, but I'm hoping I'm not so crazy that no one can identify with what I'm saying.

One way I'm starting to feel compelled and yet speechless has to do with my job. I'm so thankful to have a job. One that pays me comfortably and so far has been fairly stable. At the same time I'm incredibly bored there. I'm capable of so much more, I'm just not compelled to move out of the comfort zone without some sort of a vision. Vision. I am completely jealous of people who have a vision or a passion or know that one thing that makes them tick. Sometimes I think there are as many things that make me tick as there are things.

In the last 6-8 months I feel like I'm coming back to life, and I think some of this push and pull is why I let myself be turned off for a while. It's so damn hard. I get so seasick with the going back and forth that I needed some moments on dry land. I welcome being back at sea, being alive. I think it's just going to take some patience, grace and getting used to.

Peace. m

Marginalized

Denver has just gotten through it's first big snow storm of the season. Yes, it's March 27 and we got our first significant snowfall. I feel a bit funny complaining about this, and I certainly wasn't complaining yesterday afternoon when I got a snow day, but now that the fun is over, I'm ready for spring back.

Yesterday when we were sent home management of my branch of a huge corporation dangled the carrot of a possible snow day today as well. That didn't pan out - the roads were still sketchy this morning, but the sun has been out most of the day and I think things are starting to clear up. I was pretty disappointed to say the least when I hadn't received my snow day email by 7:00 am this morning, which started me off in a poor mood, but it really hasn't gotten better through the course of the day and here's why. It's on days like this that the marginalization I feel in my job is shoved in my face. The large corporation I work for has two kinds of people - those who make the money, and those who support. I'm in the supporting role, and as such the corporation as a whole puts very little value in my work. There's absolutely no support for training or enhancement, whenever there are cuts or sacrifices to be made its the support that takes the brunt of it, I'm not even afforded business cards, and I'm expected to do as I'm asked, and even endure verbal abuse with a smile on my face. This is the short list. The reason this so hits me on quiet days like today is that the people I work for, the people I support, can't be bothered to come into work when the roads are bad. They won't put their lives at risk, or wasted their time on congested roads to come in, but I'm expected to do so, and with a smile on my face. It so bothers me that my time and my safety is not as valued as theirs and it reminds me that my employer views me a second class citizen.

I'm not. I wish I had enough balls to stand up for myself and fight for a little respect. This economy and the fear of layoffs that have come every 2-3 months is what's keeping me from speaking out. Even writing that out there makes me a bit ill. I have a dream that one day I'll be my own boss. Until then I guess I'll learn how not to treat people.

Thank you ST for this St. Paddy's Day Fun!

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A Good Practical Joke

So which one of you was it? Who thought it would be funny to add my email address to the Crocs promotional mailing list? Whoever it was- I am in awe of your sense of funny. It really was hilarious - I remember some other similar pranks in college. Just hope I don't find out it was you because signing people up for email lists of products that they loathe is just a bit to easy.

The Crocs company however - not as funny. I have now asked three times to be taken off of their emailing list and I still keep getting them. I think I've been pretty patient. I mean I haven't been terribly insulting in my emails. For instance, I did not tell them that I use their product as part of a screening process for whether I'll date a guy or not. I did not tell them exactly how much I loathe how the Crocs look and I how I really think that they should be relegated to gardening and nowhere else. I did however say that while I don't like their product I respect their right to produce it and I wish they would respect my right to not get their emails. It's too bad Crocs couldn't get this right, it could maybe have raised them the tiniest way in my world, but now because of their bad customer service they've dropped even further from what was already pretty low.

Example

Hey there - I'm showing a friend how my blog works. Thanks for playing along :)

Here's a link to facebook.

Best Weekend Ever!

Oh my goodness. I can not tell you what a wonderful long weekend I had celebrating Sheralee's birthday. Sheralee and about 25 of her closest friends and family went up to Estes to celebrate her birthday. The house we stayed in was beautiful, the weather was unbelievable and the best time was had by all. Why you ask? There are so many reasons - topping my list includes spending hours in the hot tub looking out at the mountains or the stars depending on time of day, beautiful conversations had all around, walking in the snow, and at the same time being outside and comfortable in a tank top in January. There are so many reasons this weekend was great, but when I look back I think I will remember the fact that so many people who didn't know each other well came together and had beautiful times honoring someone they love very much. Happy birthday Sheralee. I hope you have fond memories of this for years to come.

Two Small Steps

I experimented tonight and it worked. I feel so successful!

First I tried cooking a Moroccan Stew (link) that I'd seen on one of the cooking blogs I read. I was reminded how much I hate chopping and peeling butternut squash and how I need a good knife. Once that was over with I really enjoyed this meal! I substituted quinoa for the cous cous to stay away from the gluten, but it was very delicious.

Then I tried making a little side table to sit a light on in my reading nook (pictured above). Sheralee and I went to a bunch of thrift stores this weekend and I was keeping a look out for a small side table and found nothing. I found a bunch of other stuff, but not the side table I was looking for. Then this morning I saw this link on Apartment Therapy. I have bunches of old magazines sitting around my apartment and four of them made a fun table for now! Of course now I'm not reading. I'm watching television and writing on my blog, but I have an entire stack of books to read sitting next to that chair. You will see a couple thrift store finds in this picture though - the old school upholstered pillows on the chair and two old Jesus pictures on the wall. Now Jesus can watch me read - I think he's really going to enjoy reading over my shoulder.

New Years Resolutions

It's now a full 7 days into the New Year, and I'm finally starting to nail down my resolutions for this year. I typically pay more attention to looking back and looking forward around my birthday, but I can never resist a good opportunity for reflection. In fact, I should think about a resolution that cuts back on reflection, I am so often caught up in it.

Instead, I believe I have come to my definitive list of resolutions for 2009, here they are:

1 - Keep going on the health kick I've been swept up in since the summer. I feel so much better when I stay on the plan, plus it's helped me lose a bit of weight.
2 - Pay attention to my creative side. So many people have asked me what this means and it's vague because, well because it is. I know that I'm healthier when I'm doing something creative and so I'd like to find a niche or a passion. Right now I'm leaning toward cooking, but we'll have to see.
3 - Go to the dentist.
4 - Get a passport.

I've already started on number 3 and called to set up an appointment. I haven't been so great at the other 3, but I have the whole rest of the year right?