Thursday, May 07, 2009

Out to Sea

Here it is Thursday night, I can barely remember the last time I've posted over here, but I'm compelled to write. Compelled and yet speechless.

Cricket. cricket. crickeT.

I think compelled and yet speechless is indicative of how I've been feeling lately. I sometimes think I'm just a walking contradiction. Partly because of the disconnect I so often feel between the things I say and the things I actually do and also partly because sometimes I really truly feel like I'm completely at home in two opposite sides of the coin. In this specific moment I can't come up with an example that I'm willing to post on the blog, but I'm hoping I'm not so crazy that no one can identify with what I'm saying.

One way I'm starting to feel compelled and yet speechless has to do with my job. I'm so thankful to have a job. One that pays me comfortably and so far has been fairly stable. At the same time I'm incredibly bored there. I'm capable of so much more, I'm just not compelled to move out of the comfort zone without some sort of a vision. Vision. I am completely jealous of people who have a vision or a passion or know that one thing that makes them tick. Sometimes I think there are as many things that make me tick as there are things.

In the last 6-8 months I feel like I'm coming back to life, and I think some of this push and pull is why I let myself be turned off for a while. It's so damn hard. I get so seasick with the going back and forth that I needed some moments on dry land. I welcome being back at sea, being alive. I think it's just going to take some patience, grace and getting used to.

Peace. m

4 comments:

Joel Swagman said...

for what it's worth, I often feel the same way. That is, I feel that I'm at a job I'm bored at and that is under-utilizing my talents, but I'm very reluctant to move on because I don't know what else I would do with myself, and lack a clear vision.
It's probably a fairly common thing. But we should both do our best to rise above it.

Maria said...

Thanks for the comment Joel. I know it always helps to know that I'm not alone feeling like I'm losing my mind :)

I wish us both the courage and vision to rise above it! I know that I want to, and taking one small step at a time is probably the way to go, I'm just working up the power to do it.

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