My first listing!

Woohoo! I've been questioning whether I'm ever going to get better at my job - and today I got my first listing! Yeah! It's amazing how hard starting something - anything - from scratch is!

Check out the new link to my friend Beth's blog about going to Nicaragua - she leaves in a week and a half to be there for seven weeks!

Long Weekend part deux

I feel like I need a weekend to recover from this weekend! Nick and Wendy's wedding was beautiful. I loved getting to know Sheralee's brother. We saw some beautiful (and bizarre) things up in the mountains. I got to meet many people who I'd heard a lot about. There was a beautiful moment on a porch.

And - in this moment it feels like this was the longest weekend of my life - and not necessarily in a good way. I am physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted and just really desire space in this moment. I just don't know when I'll be able to take it.

Here's to a four day work week!

Long Weekend!

In this moment I'm so thankful that there is a three day weekend coming up! I have no patience with myself right now because I'm not kicking ass at this new job. Thing is, I'm the only person who's not having the patience. Thankfully!

Love

So for the past 2 weeks or so I was pretty darn down. The change of jobs had me completely lost yet again and longing for something familiar - specifically to the job and then triggering other stuff. And in it I felt alone. For a million reasons - including not letting people or Jesus into it.

On Sunday evening I went for a walk and I just started letting it all out. A common phrase around here related to surrender is to sit in your pain/day/joy/whatever and "ask Jesus to do whatever it is he needs to do to bring himself and Love into me in increasing ways." Now I don't like to say that. Mainly because I'm fairly certain that whatever it is that needs to be done will be extremely painful or hurtful and I'm not going to like it. So instead I've just been asking to learn how to give love better. And I'm starting to feel better. Coincidence, possibly. Mainly because I have NO idea how to love well and I don't think I've gotten any better in the past 3 days. In fact there were points yesterday especially where I felt like I just plain backslid. And - in it - I feel different, like I'm on a different path. I don't know where it or I are going - in fact it feels more like just being than moving or going.

Here's to giving love in increasing ways.

Mmm..Saturday

I'm still completely blown away by having an entire weekend where I'm not expected to work. It helps to have a vacation every week to make the routine of going to work more bearable and accessible.

I mean - last night I went to dinner with Vivian, Meghan and Sheralee - we had a drink, sat outside, read trivial pursuit questions and relaxed! Today I went shopping with Meghan, I got groceries, talked with Jim and Sheralee, went to the art store and I'm still going to eat with Jen, Wendy and Sheralee and then go out to celebrate Sharon's birthday. AND - after all that I still have all day tomorrow to relax and get some other stuff done.

It feels amazing to make my own choices about how to spend a weekend without having to take work obligations into the picture. I understand that I chose the job - and - it usually felt like I was trapped by having to work around my weekend work schedule. Hooray for freedom!

Fun Story

Please visit Meghan's blog to read a fun story that Vivian and I wrote over email yesterday!

A not-so-fun story was last night's Will & Grace series finale. I found it extremely depressing...partially because of my state of mind, and partially because it scares the snot out of me that people can be so close for years and years and then not connect for even more years after that. I know that it happens all the time, and my hope is for deep lasting loving connection.

Krispy Kreme, Baby Foxes and a Desire for Connection

So after a day of meeting with the president that I thought was going to be training I was exhausted! And stayed home to watch American Idol and then I watched an entire hour of Scrubs. And then I felt lonely. So I called Sheralee to see if anyone was still hanging out at Vivian's and they convinced me to come over. We watched something for a few minutes and then drove all the way to Aurora for Krispy Kreme. Mmmmm. And on the way home Jim was telling us how he'd seen a fox on 7th street the other night. As I was claiming that he was lying Sheralee saw a fox cross the street ahead of us (on 7th) and then we saw these two babies playing on the side of the road. They were terribly cute and ended up going down the storm drain - that must be where they live.

It was a beautiful time and then when I got home I was still painfully sad and lonely. To the point where I just start wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why I have no patience and whether I'm just plain closed off to the connection and love I desire. Thankfully I was able to get it out and talk about it with Sheralee who beautifully spoke truth into my lies. Thankfully today was better. At the same I'm starting to wonder if it changes. If connection and transformation is possible. Whether a constant longing for connection ever diminishes. Today is May 17 - exactly 8 months after I arrived in Denver. Does the loss of the familiar ever get easier? Will this place ever feel as familiar as the last place? Or will I always feel graspy for connection?