mmmmm.....

So the Iowans of Radius went to Pella this weekend. They may disagree with me when I say that perhaps the most important thing they did was go to the bakery and bring Sheralee and I some Banket! Banket - for those of you not from Holland (MI or otherwise) - is a dutch Almond pastry that is to die for! I think I'm in vander heaven.

Things that make you go huh?

Okay - I would like to make some observations on crazy people. Meghan, Vivian and I email most of the day - and I've found I get most of my news through this forum because Viv and Megs are looking at stuff all day long and send links along for comment. I would like to make some of my observations known to the world.

1 - On Brittany The new poster child for pro-life (news article here)
So Brittany's new nude statue is somehow associated with the Manhattan Right-to-life people because it "celebrates the recent birth of Spears's baby boy, Sean, and applauds her decision of placing family before career." And I say give me a gagillion dollars and I'll put my family first too!

2 - On TomKat The no-so-new poster people for Scientology (news article here)
There's a woman in this article that kept quiet for 18 hours when giving birth to her daughter who is now 18. This woman says "It actually wasn't that difficult, because you know what effects it could have" Really - you know what effects it could have? I would like to know if this woman is silent with her daughter now that she's 18. It's my experience that talking with her now is probably more damaging than screaming during birth.

I think I just thew up a little in my mouth

As I was writing the last post Meghan sent me this link. I think I threw up a little in my mouth as I was reading it.

Community

In Radius (my church community) we talk a lot about community and how it's part of our salvation and it's the way we were created to live and blah blah blah. And based on my experience I was starting to believe there wasn't so much truth in that.

However - last night I experienced community in an amazing way. And somehow it turned something in my core. There's some sort of pain or angst that I can't find this morning - and dammit - it feels good. {so thanks guys}

And - while I think Radius at large is far from where it could be community wise - the night gives me a tiny glimmer of hope that perhaps change is possible.

Done, I am done

in oh so many ways -

I am done with the first round of a huge project at work! Here comes the hard part - proofing - the part where everyone else points out mistakes that I missed and makes fundamental suggestions about where I've gone wrong. This part is hard for me.

I am done fearing abandonment. Well - I supposed what I'm really done is hiding it. I fear abandonment dammit - and I wish I didn't.

I am done worrying about using sleep aids - I'm just going to keep doing it - sleep changes everything. Means I have to go to Target soon...

I am done trying to figure it out. Done trying to figure me out. I'm just going to be. I'm just plain done. Done doing. I am tired. tired. tired.

Beautiful Disaster

This is going to be a stretch - I'll admit - and I still wanna post about it, so you can decide whether to read or not.

Yesterday I was given a crazy picture. I was listening to my iTunes at work while doing the mundane tedious task of updating this tiny detail in about 500 records in our database (no joke...and not the point) and I rediscovered a Kelly Clarkson song that I love - Beautiful Disaster from her Breakaway album. Kelly's singing about someone she loves who she can't figure out and who's just messy and disastrous. It's a tender song - and all of a sudden I was given a picture that this is what God sees. Maria is a messy disaster and yet Trinity's lovingly looking at me saying:

Oh when I don't know
I don't know what she's after
But she's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

Like - I get it, you're messy and you don't know what you're after - and I love you in a soft, tender, free way. I love you because of you - not in spite of you. It's somehow comforting.

Breathe...just breathe

I hope today that I can remember to take some time here and there to just breathe. In and out and in and out and continue to release more and more control!

I had so much hope about a new haircut, that I now hate...just hate. I asked her take some of the sides off, and now you can see my ears! They're fine ears I just don't like to be able to see them and I apologize to all of you who will see me that you have to look at them - feel free to look away if it's painful.