Filling Space

This year I've decided, mostly at the last minute and for non-Lenten reasons, to give up sweets for lent. I thought it was a good way to start back on the eating right kick.

Then yesterday happened. I was in the yearly "kick-off" meeting for my office when I realized that I had lost all perspective on my job. To make a long story short, it was one of those ah-ha moments where I realized something I felt like should have been obvious before - I don't belong here. I didn't walk away from this episode feeling defeated, or disgusting, or like my self-esteem had been dealt another blow. Instead I walked away thinking, this isn't my place, it's time to continue to do the work of finding a place where I can feel at home. I wanted that realization to feel light, but it was heavy. That work is hard, and at the risk of sounding like a spoiled child, I'm tired of it.

It was in this moment, and the rest of the afternoon, that I was reminded of one of the lines of liturgy from the Ash Wednesday service at HFASS. I don't remember the words exactly but it was something like "For the strength to not fill the Lenten space with something else, Lord give me strength". In a normal day, I would have found chocolate, soothing chocolate, to help me through the afternoon. The way I saw it, I had two choices, and I thought about them as I wandered through two drug stores. I could share in Jesus' suffering and lean on the Spirit to calm me, or I could find something salty and hope it soothed like chocolate.

In that moment I chose a can of mixed nuts. I ate, and I ate, and I ate a few more. It soothed nothing. The lovely thing about God though, is that it didn't matter that I chose the nuts first. It mattered only that I still saw that I had achieved nothing, and realized it. She was still willing to take my hurt and soothe. I realize now that in those drug stores I didn't actually have two choices. I had one, and I could choose it now, or choose to delay it by eating nuts.

Here's to leaving the nuts next time around.

Eating Crow - Yum

I can not believe I'm saying this, but I've begun training to run in the Running of the Green in March. I started with Pilates on Monday and running 10 minutes yesterday. I like it. Seriously. I was so proud of myself for running 10 minutes without stopping. I know - small accomplishment - but for someone who hyperventilates easily, it was huge. HUGE.

I've always thought runners were crazy. I actually still think that, and at the same time I had to do something to get myself healthier and more fit. Here's to feeling like I can accomplish something and to having an excuse to buy cute workout clothes.

Happy New Decade

Things at the ole' office have been pretty darn slow for the last couple of weeks and while I was expressing frustration (read: complaining) about the boredom last night John suggested that if the tables were turned he'd be getting a whole lot of blogging done. Which seemed like a duh moment, I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me before.

I've been sitting here the last few days thinking about how much changes in a year. I don't know why I'm always surprised by this. It seems like for so many years things came and went and while there were some things that changed, for the most part my life as I experienced it was pretty stable. Then I made the choice to shake it all up and move to Denver, and since that moment the change roller coaster has not stopped shooting me all over the place.

I used to think I was laid back. I actually think I used to be more laid back, but I'm afraid let all the unexpected change and consequence of the last four-ish years turn me into a control freak. Or maybe I just always was a control freak, but things were always going my way and so I could live in a happy state of denial.

Therefore, my resolution for the next decade, because God knows I'm only going to make baby steps in the next year, is to start letting go. Start celebrating things the way that they are and stop trying to fit them into neat little baskets. Start trying new things. Stop trying to be perfect. When I look back I can see that the best times, the times that I've been most deeply moved, deeply happy, and deeply changed for the better have been messy.

Here's to the twenty-teens being filled with messy messy growth and joy.

Summer Hiatus

Without meaning to I've taken a hiatus from blogging this summer. I'm hopeful that fall brings me back to the computer, but I make no promises. My home computer is blissfully up and running after being bogged down with too much stuff and not enough memory. I have one JA to thank for that and, in the words of my father, "I'll be forever grateful".

Today I'm writing to publicly proclaim a new goal so that I have people to help hold me accountable! By my next birthday (and by next I mean a year from now, not two weeks from now) it is my goal to be employed in a place where I don't answer other people's phones, make their files, type their letters, send their emails, and do all the piddly things they don't want to do. By this time next year I want to be in a new place where I'm challenged, have responsibility, flexibility and the space to have opinions and voice them on a regular basis.

Bottom line: I'm tired of being someone else's bitch all day long and it's time to do something about it.

New Apartment

About two months ago I moved into a new apartment. I had been living in the cutest tiny little studio in the Capitol Hill neighborhood and after two years I wanted to spread my wings. Living in a larger place has allowed me to have people over more often, has left me feeling more like a grown up, and has quite frankly made me pretty darn happy. The first morning I woke up in this apartment I knew my life would change forever because the sun actually shone in the windows. I can barely believe I spent 2 years living in an apartment that never (and I mean never) got direct sunlight!



I'll post a bunch of pictures here - I hope you enjoy them:

Right Place Right Time

Do you ever have those moments where it feels like the right thing was in the right place at the right time. Without getting too cliche I tend to think that's god working her magic and it happened again today. If you're on facebook and have 10 minutes go to the Nooma page and watch the new Nooma. It spoke to me today in beautiful ways.

Out to Sea

Here it is Thursday night, I can barely remember the last time I've posted over here, but I'm compelled to write. Compelled and yet speechless.

Cricket. cricket. crickeT.

I think compelled and yet speechless is indicative of how I've been feeling lately. I sometimes think I'm just a walking contradiction. Partly because of the disconnect I so often feel between the things I say and the things I actually do and also partly because sometimes I really truly feel like I'm completely at home in two opposite sides of the coin. In this specific moment I can't come up with an example that I'm willing to post on the blog, but I'm hoping I'm not so crazy that no one can identify with what I'm saying.

One way I'm starting to feel compelled and yet speechless has to do with my job. I'm so thankful to have a job. One that pays me comfortably and so far has been fairly stable. At the same time I'm incredibly bored there. I'm capable of so much more, I'm just not compelled to move out of the comfort zone without some sort of a vision. Vision. I am completely jealous of people who have a vision or a passion or know that one thing that makes them tick. Sometimes I think there are as many things that make me tick as there are things.

In the last 6-8 months I feel like I'm coming back to life, and I think some of this push and pull is why I let myself be turned off for a while. It's so damn hard. I get so seasick with the going back and forth that I needed some moments on dry land. I welcome being back at sea, being alive. I think it's just going to take some patience, grace and getting used to.

Peace. m